Grandchildren litter bias. Nurture or Nature...?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
So here's the deal: My husband has 2 sisters. One has 2 boys aged 16 and 22. The other has no children and is a second mom to those boys (who all live in the same city states away from here. My husband and I have 2 boys too, aged 4 and 2. We had kids later, obviously.
My husband's parents are excruciatingly close and vomit-inducingly affectionate with the older litter of grandchildren. They've been to EVERY SINGLE special milestone occasion event for these boys. They are a 5-6 hour drive from them and a 9 hour drive or flight away from us. They call, they correspond electronically with them, and what not. These grandparents know all of the latest happenings with the goings ons with these boys and go on and on about them down to basketball game scores and girlfriend woes. My boys? I get an biannual "please send me a list of possible Christmas/bday gift ideas as I have no idea what their interests are" message. So here's their relationship with my sons: I get "likes" on Facebook whenever I sporadically post about my offspring. On my eldest's 4th bday, my husband tells me, "let's call mom and dad for 4 year-old's bday." My response: "Um, shouldn't it be the other way around?" We call, grandpa answers, and he says that grandma can't come to the phone because she's already invested too much time on hold with the cable company about a problem (we've all been there, it sucks, but shit!) and to call back tomorrow. Yes, US call THEM back for our son's bday. Now for the caveat and the window of opportunity for you folks to write me off as a selfish bitch: Grandpa's health is not good and started deteriorating around boy 1 (4) was born. It's very difficult for them to travel via car or plane (I will concur with this sentiment). Grandma takes care of him and is very stressed out. But sh*t, we bought you a freaking iPad for Christmas 2 years ago so you could freaking facetime and it's proven to be a real one-way street. And when we do, there's little interaction between them and the g-children. Granted, they are old and depressed because they can't live the free-wheelin' life they once led, but man. We went to their house for T-giving and husband had conversation with sister (the one with kids) about how she talked with mom and mom cried on the phone about how she's so sad she can't have a relationship with our boys due to her circumstances, blah yada blah. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to kick sh+t off with her! I think she's just feeling sorry/guilty for herself. Anyway, while there for T-giving, she never engaged with my sons and hugged and loved all over the older litter. One morning, my boys woke up at 5 and I heard a door slam downstairs because of it (hello, sucks for us , too!). Excuse me if my kids' schedule, routine, eating habits, etc. are completely thrown off and people are ignoring them on top of it!!! Anyway, this is mainly a vent. Please tell me if I'm just a vile wench or if I deserve some commiserating. |
Anonymous
|
1.) I vote for vile wench
2.) I'd snub you too just for use of the word "litter" |
Anonymous
| Older kids are more interesting and easier to relate to than a 2 year old and a 4 year old. (I say this as a mom of a 2 year old and a baby). I bet the grandparents will be more interested and involved with your kids once it's a bit easier to relate to them. Hopefully they live that long. |
Anonymous
| OP here: Now that we've got the semantics slammer out of the way, what are all of your other thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Timing. Your DH's parents were prime grandparent age with their first. IME, this happens between 65 and 75. They are too old for the second group. They have already invested 20 years with the other grandchildren. We had a similar issue. If your parents are engaged, that is great. My children got one set that was worn out and one set that chose to be vacation and holiday grandparents. We found local alternatives. |
Anonymous
clarification: the prime years are BEFORE 65 and the change happens between 65 and 75. |
Anonymous
| I think the grandparents suck, but ... litter bias? Really?! Only on DCUM ... |
Anonymous
|
I've read that maternal grandmas serve a huge function in hunter-gatherer societies in caregiving and providing extra food. This bump is enough that it can make the difference between grandchildren's survival or not.
I've also read that an explanation for menopause (only humans and pilot whales have menopause) is not that women are outliving their normal lifespan, but that they are so essential to their DD's children's survival (hunter/gatherer) that it helps their genes survive by allowing them to assist their grandchildren. Human offspring take so long to become independent, if a woman is old and has babies then dies, the younger kids would probably die. Rather than putting more energy into new children--i.e. more children that die or don't do well is not selected for; instead less children but more resources going to them and grandchildren ends up ensuring more gene transmittal in the long run. So in sum, it could be some subconscious situation, OP, that DH's mom just gravitates toward her DDs kids. |
Anonymous
|
I don't think this problem is that uncommon. I remember my own grandmother preferring the cousins. When they came to visit she would buy special treats. When we came to visit, she would literally tell us not to touch the special treats in the cupboard because they weren't for us, they were for the other grandchildren. I think my parents made a mistake in forcing the relationship when she clearly wasn't interested. It would have been better not to visit so often rather than coming to visit someone who clearly wished you weren't there and that the other cousins were.
My mom favors my sister's kids because sis is a single mom and needs more help. Our kids are multiethnic/racial and this is more than my parents can handle. We are frostily polite on major holidays and that's sufficient. I think the lessons the kids would learn if we insisted on more would probably be harmful and painful. |
Anonymous
|
1) They are old and tired. Twenty years is really hard on the body.
2) grandparents are often closer to their daughter's children. The MIL DIL relationship is a huge hurdle. |
Anonymous
| "Litter"? I don't even know how to take OP seriously after that. |
Anonymous
| OP sounds like a real peach! |
Anonymous
This. Jeez, so crude. |
Anonymous
I think you are so right on here. My MIL is just like OP's - my kids are the same age as her great grand kids (some of mine are even younger). She loves them, but has no energy or patience to deal with them. My oldest is now 16 and they are developing a very nice relationship - now that he is older, no longer high energy, needs no supervision and no care. It's not my MIL's fault that I delayed having kids and I don't blame her for not doing what she really isn't capable of doing. |
Anonymous
You sound totally weird, OP. |