Grandchildren litter bias. Nurture or Nature...?
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Anonymous
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Some of you are being too hard on OP. She's not asking her children's grandparents to take her kids on a free trip to Disney. I think if grandma sat her young grandson on her lap and read him a board book, gave him a kiss and hug then went about her business the OP would be happy.
Is it so hard to kiss and hug toddlers/preschool? They are so cute and funny. Why aren't they affectionate towards them (when visiting during thanksgiving). I feel you, OP. My DH's niece is 21. Our DD is 2. When grandpa finally met her (they came to visit when she was 18 months), The older granddaughter called nonstop. Constantly interrupted dinner, etc. like she was jealous or something. It was soooo annoying. |
Anonymous
| I actually think it may have more to do with the fact that the older children are her daughter's -- I see this in my family, although there are some other reasons that play into it (my sister-in-law is not the warmest person in the world and has raised 3 rude children who are also not very warm). My brother and his wife started having children about 16 years before I had my son. Their grandmother (our mother) was obviously much younger and everyone lived within a 20 minute drive and still do. She of course loves her grandchildren but there was a marked difference when my son was born a couple years ago, and my mother even admits this to me. She is now 75, and we actually live a bit further than my brother, but she is just so in love with my son. I think it has to do with me being the baby in the family, but also think it has to do with the fact that I am her daughter. I have an older sister who also has a son who's in his early 20's and she is also much closer with him than with my brother's children. |
Anonymous
+1 2 and 4 year olds are boring. |
Anonymous
Lol. What does it mean if the OP is a "second wife"?? |
Anonymous
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First of all, I agree with the other posters that your use of the word "litter" is really offputting.
Second, this is one of those situations where it is understandable to some degree that you feel upset that your kids are not getting as much love and affection as your nieces and nephews. But rationally, the reason is that the grandparents are older, stressed, and probably don't have as much patience for little kids as they used to. It is nothing personal about your kids vs. theirs. |
Anonymous
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Wait til you are an elderly caregiver to an elderly spouse. Respect the fact they do slow down. That they can be more easily overwhelmed. That they don't want to drive a certain times or certain types of weather. That they act like they are 36 sometimes when they are 63, and suffer for weeks with whatever injury they incurred from over-exertion.
Have a little empathy. Do more of the heavy lifting yourself with respect to fostering a relationship between them and your kids. You are in your prime right now. They aren't. |
Anonymous
| I just want to pat you on the back repeatedly saying "Go ahead. Get it ALLLL out now...." |
Anonymous
| DH and I are the youngest in our families. The grandparents were much older when we had kids and our siblings kids got much more interaction and relationship with the grandparents. Now, they are all elderly and in frail health and can't do much with our kids. I wish that my kids had been able to have that active relationship, but it's just not that way. They love my kids as much as the older ones, but they did more for and have a more developed relationship with the kids that they were more actively involved with. |
Anonymous
| Your language is a little vile, but I may not go so far as to call you a wench. And you're talking about your in laws after all, so that is understandable. I can commiserate though because my own family is like this, so I know how you feel, but without the IL hatred built in. My parents retired and moved far away to be 5 min away from my sister who had young kids at the time. They lived here for 30 years and raised me here, and now are on the opposite coast. I later had kids of my own who are youngish like yours, but my sister's kids are tweens now. My mom babysat for my sister or picks the kids up from school or cooks holiday meals for them or goes to their recitals, to where now she is burnt out on it because she is old now. If I suggest a vacation with them, she says "Oh sure, then I'd have to cook for you" when I would not expect her to. I've never had the luxury of a babysitting grandparent 5 min away and rarely visit for holidays because it's too much hassle to travel that far since they don't live near an airport. So it sucks. All my kids get is Skype time, which I am fine with, but the grandchildren litter bias is palpable. I think it's nurture, not nature. It's from the geographic distance. Still it rankles that they didn't think I'd have kids and had no problem moving away from me and it continues to be a pain because my sister does not come here to visit, so we have to go out there, with younger kids. Also my dad rarely gets on Skype, so it's like I barely know what he looks like anymore. So it's like my sister got their best grandparenting years, and now they are like "been there, done that" and are too old and too far away to be able to be the same kind of grandparents they were to my sister's kids. Yet, what gets me is that my sister doesn't appreciate it and is spoiled by having them nearby. |
Anonymous
Maybe she is a vet and sees litters of puppies and cat vomit alot, or is a scientist, or highly intelligent or descriptive and uses big words like excruciating. Not OP, BTW. |
Anonymous
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What is this nonsense about preferring one's own daughter's children? That's BS. If anything, a favoring maternal grandparent would do it because they see it as an extension of themselves = EGO. Plain and simple. Haven't we evolved beyond that, people? Wow. I could actually see a "litter" of animals doing that, but people should not be doing that.
Also, have you considered that perhaps Mil was a terrible parent, and is now a terrible grandparent? Not a far reach! I do think that grandparent age, and grandparent energy level play into it. My SIL absolutely WORE my MIL OUT for free babysitting. Not OP, BTW. |
Anonymous
| OP, a "litter" is a group born all at one time. If you're going to try to be nasty, at least try to be accurate. |
Anonymous
| You are a vile wench. The grandparents were different people 20 yrs ago when your nephews were growing up. Remember how much energy you had 20 years ago?? They lived in the same city as your nephews. You live states away and they cannot travel. Not everyone likes to FaceTime and it is difficult to establish relationships and rapport with toddlers/preschoolers over the phone. They like to actually play with people. |
Anonymous
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Just another perspective this shift in relationships among grandchildren is a common dynamic in bigger families as well. I mean barring actual, intentional favoritism (giving your DH's parents the benefit of the doubt here because I presume they love you all just as much)- in a family of say 4-6, often the grandchildren can be spread out over 20 years or more. I am the oldest of the "kid cousins" in my generation at 35 with a child of my own and the youngest is still in HS. Our grandparent experiences are just much different. When I was in HS my grandparents (who started very young) were just retired basically, now they are in their 80s. There is no way that isn't going to change things somewhat.
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Anonymous
| My MIL adores kids, but we all waited so long to have kids that she is now almost 80. She would have been a much different grandparent if we had kids even 10 years ago. She tires easily now and doesn't have the energy to engage with rambunctious boys. |