I want a divorce. AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

Ditto. OP. If you love her, help her get help. She is depressed or anxious, or both.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like being a SAHM is a really shit job for some of you, sending you into a spiral of depression, therapy, and meds. I always figured it was hard work but it seems to make some people profoundly miserable. DS is due in a few months and I will go back to work after maternity leave bc I don't think we are ready to go to one income. I have never wanted to be a SAHM for a number of reasons, but you have my respect bc it seems like a very hard gig. Is it really so bad that it is depression-inducing and/or results in this behavior?

[Anonymous]

OP I was in your wife's shoes for years. I'm sure I was hell to live with.

Bottom line for me? Borderline Personality Disorder.. whatever that means. The easier to understand diagnosis for me was anxiety and depression.

I've been on meds for almost two years. I'm now more aware of when I'm on the verge of losing it, and can control myself. I made my own doctor's appointment, and a friend went with me.

I don't know if you want to save your marriage. I don't know if your wife would be willing to even consider checking into some possibilities. I'll tell you as a mom though, I wish someone had stepped in years ago. Before my oldest saw me as a monster with two heads. Those were his words.

Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Sometimes I act like this. No excuse, but it is when I need help. I need my dh to help out a bit around the house. For example this am my two kids under 5 were fighting the dog needed to go outside and get fed, baby needs a diaper change and a bottle. He was in bed still. He finally got up and took over feeding the dog. Minutes later the dog is following me and I realize that 2 inches beside the dogs bowl is an empty water bowl. It's this, that gets me going and my husband saying, huh?
So no I don't need a professional. Maybe a professional massage. I just need you to help a tiny bit more than you do.

Are we married to the same guy? ((((HUGS))))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like being a SAHM is a really shit job for some of you, sending you into a spiral of depression, therapy, and meds. I always figured it was hard work but it seems to make some people profoundly miserable. DS is due in a few months and I will go back to work after maternity leave bc I don't think we are ready to go to one income. I have never wanted to be a SAHM for a number of reasons, but you have my respect bc it seems like a very hard gig. Is it really so bad that it is depression-inducing and/or results in this behavior?

Seems like there are lots of tedious jobs with long hours. Is mothering more likely to result in a need for therapy than, say, coal mining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like being a SAHM is a really shit job for some of you, sending you into a spiral of depression, therapy, and meds. I always figured it was hard work but it seems to make some people profoundly miserable. DS is due in a few months and I will go back to work after maternity leave bc I don't think we are ready to go to one income. I have never wanted to be a SAHM for a number of reasons, but you have my respect bc it seems like a very hard gig. Is it really so bad that it is depression-inducing and/or results in this behavior?

Seems like there are lots of tedious jobs with long hours. Is mothering more likely to result in a need for therapy than, say, coal mining?

Yes--coal mining is physically difficult but not emotionally and mentally draining. I say this as someone whose father was a coal miner who would have rather put in a full day at work than spent an hour alone with his four kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like being a SAHM is a really shit job for some of you, sending you into a spiral of depression, therapy, and meds. I always figured it was hard work but it seems to make some people profoundly miserable. DS is due in a few months and I will go back to work after maternity leave bc I don't think we are ready to go to one income. I have never wanted to be a SAHM for a number of reasons, but you have my respect bc it seems like a very hard gig. Is it really so bad that it is depression-inducing and/or results in this behavior?

Seems like there are lots of tedious jobs with long hours. Is mothering more likely to result in a need for therapy than, say, coal mining?

Yes--coal mining is physically difficult but not emotionally and mentally draining. I say this as someone whose father was a coal miner who would have rather put in a full day at work than spent an hour alone with his four kids.

My mother was perfect with small kids under the age of ten. With teenagers, not so much. She was kind, loving, patients with small kids. You have to understand the developmental stages of babies and children, that they are very concrete and not at all abstract. Sometimes words and language mean nothing to them. It is all about just being present with them, in the moment. Bubbles might fascinate them, and they want to stop and play with the bubbles. Jumping in a rain puddle and stomping around in it, just fascinating to them!

People on DCUM are educated and cerebral, and very much in their heads. Babies and kids need to PLAY to learn. When adults realize, you are "playing" and not "working," then you are able to enjoy your babies and small kids. Those moments won't last forever. Some people don't understand at all when you say it is "very hard work," because to those people, kids are fun and all they want to do is play.

Also, kids love routines. Get better organized with lots of labels and containers. We never wore our shoes in the house. Our toys were never left on the floor. We put games and toys back where they belonged as soon as we finished playing. Folded clothes left on our beds that we made every morning, then the clothes were immediately put away. My dad did the "outside" housework, the lawn, the cars, worked outside the home. My mom took care of everything else, and stayed at home. She never seemed stress out, because she was in control of how the house ran. She has routines, and her children were well behaved and disciplined. When we were teenagers, that is when she started the "screaming." She no longer had as much control. She had to learn how to still be a loving and patient parent with teens, and that is when my father, who was the strong, silent type, became the more involved parent. He provided some balance, taught me and my siblings how to drive, didn't worry as much as mother did about us being on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line for me? Borderline Personality Disorder.. whatever that means. The easier to understand diagnosis for me was anxiety and depression.

I'm the PP @9:16 and much of the anger in my post is the direct result of four miserable years entangled with someone who suffered BPD and refused to consider that any kind of help was in order. She was remarkably effective at snowing therapists and was 1000% about making it out to be my issue. I fled in terror at the end - anyone see Gone Girl? Yeah, no murder, but seriously afraid for what I'd be accused of.

I am so so so grateful we did not have children.

I'm with the PP saying that if the genders were swapped, we'd all be telling a woman to DTMFA already. Being a woman or a SAHM is not an excuse to be abusive to people. I'm sure being a SAHM is very very challenging work and should be treated with the same respect as any other full-time job. Not everyone is cut out to do it, and that's OK too. It still isn't an excuse to be abusive..that's a red-herring. If you are depressed and anxious, that's your problem to solve.

Wishing you the best.

You too, seriously: good on you for tackling this - that's awesome and super brave...admitting that you had an issue is brave as hell.

My ex-gf was not an evil person at all - not intentionally anyway - and I feel bad for her (well, more for the guy she roped after me).

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP @9:16 and much of the anger in my post is the direct result of four miserable years entangled with someone who suffered BPD and refused to consider that any kind of help was in order. She was remarkably effective at snowing therapists and was 1000% about making it out to be my issue. I fled in terror at the end - anyone see Gone Girl? Yeah, no murder, but seriously afraid for what I'd be accused of.

I am so so so grateful we did not have children.

I'm with the PP saying that if the genders were swapped, we'd all be telling a woman to DTMFA already. Being a woman or a SAHM is not an excuse to be abusive to people. I'm sure being a SAHM is very very challenging work and should be treated with the same respect as any other full-time job. Not everyone is cut out to do it, and that's OK too. It still isn't an excuse to be abusive..that's a red-herring. If you are depressed and anxious, that's your problem to solve.

You're right, and I would be supportive of OP up and leaving. It wasn't being a SAHM that had me in such a mess... just a stressful life overall. Looking back the issues had been there for years, they got much worse when I was a single mom. (No, my issues didn't cause the first divorce. First "husband" did add to my issues though. Actually he was a big contributor.)

There is no excuse for being abusive. There are reasons behind behavior, and it's up to the individual to do something about it. Thank God my husband has supported me through all of this. He is a huge part of the reason I went for help, and have come as far as I have.

OP, if you leave I would encourage you to get your kids the hell out of there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like being a SAHM is a really shit job for some of you, sending you into a spiral of depression, therapy, and meds. I always figured it was hard work but it seems to make some people profoundly miserable. DS is due in a few months and I will go back to work after maternity leave bc I don't think we are ready to go to one income. I have never wanted to be a SAHM for a number of reasons, but you have my respect bc it seems like a very hard gig. Is it really so bad that it is depression-inducing and/or results in this behavior?

YES. This was me. I was miserable at home! I love to work and be productive and get praised for my work.

SAH is the most thankless job in the world. Bah. Some women love it. But it's NOT for me.

I love my job, thankfully it pays it a lot and I jump out of bed every Monday morning to get to work! What's the quote, "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

SAH was drudgery for me. Infants/toddlers are not my thing. I love elementary school aged, though!!!