I want a divorce. AMA

[Anonymous]

I finally sought help for my depression, not for myself as I always just dealt with it, but for my kids. I finally realized I needed to get my emotional swings under control because they deserved better. I felt like I was failing them and had to try to make it better.

I started 10mg of lexapro in August. I expected (hoped) that my depression would be lightened by this. I was really surprised that it greatly assisted me in maintaining a more steady keel and really being patient. I guess I only though of depression as being sad and weepy, not lashing out in anger and lack of patience.

I'm not a perfect parent, but those 10mg per day have made such a HUGE impact on me on so many levels (personal, parental, professional, relationships), that I would say it is life changing.

Help your wife to seek help.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

In the other thread, on getting divorced when the kids are in college, all the DWs said to get divorced now rather than later. So if you are going to do it, OP, pull the trigger now. Don't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

Well obviously because I'm not as smart as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when she yells at the kids, OP? Do you intervene? Talk to her about it in a calm moment?

Yes, I intervene. Have tried many different "strategies" with the goal of minimizing the level of conflict in front of DC. I know DW doesn't like doing these things-- she feels terrible about yelling at kids, about lashing out at me in front of them-- but she honestly can't control it. While she "loses it" with all of us, it is most often with me (which in thankful for). But our oldest already asks if "mommy is mean" right now. It breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

Thanks. This is honestly something I've had in the back of my mind. DW has some experience with some sort of depression or other mental/behavioral adjustment treatment long ago (before we met). I don't know much about it. No clue how to bring it up without setting off WWIII... But agree this is something to consider.

I'm kind of annoyed by the "don't take it personally" advice - it's like she's abusive (screaming is emotional/verbal abuse) to you and the kids and she's the one who's supposed to get sympathy. Screw that. Bullshit.

Your wife may need help, but she needs to want to go get it herself. Allowing her to perpetuate this by being abusive to your kids is failing your kids.

If you are fearful of setting off WWIII, then you're walking on eggshells and this is an abusive relationship where she is using the threat of being off the hook to control your behavior - and guilting your kids? Even worse manipulation.

Fuck your wife - take care of your children and yourself. Get them away from her. Separate. Tell her maybe the fam can get back together when she gets her shit in line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever. Get a number right? I am a DH. Been married 10 years or so, 2 great kids under 5. DW is a SAHM. DW and I haven't been great for a long, long time. Not sure we ever were. She's good at heart and works really hard to be a great mom. But she's SO angry all the time. Like, screaming at me because I got the wrong kitchen trash bags (just a quick example from today). Treating me like that is tolerable, but she does this to our sweet babies too. Then when she calms down she sort of guilts them in to apologizing to her or loving on her as like a way of making up. It wrecks me inside. I feel like I have to protect them as if she's hitting them or something. It honestly feels almost abusive to me. If it weren't for the likelihood that moms get kids in a divorce I would do it. I couldn't just not see my DC every day so that's not an option. Guess I'm just so incredibly sad.

Dear OP. DW here. I used to be like this, but the anger was directed towards my husband, not the kids. 3 kids under 7. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I needed help. My husband was always very understanding, but finally told me that he could not live walking over eggs. It was devastating for me to aknoledge the fact that I was not super woman and that I was loosing it. I started taking anxiety pills and I am a totally different person. It is me again. No more dramatic up and downs. I wish I would have gone to the doc sooner, but I guess I needed to accept that I really needed help first.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the kind words and suggestions. I don't think you are wrong about depression/medication as being a potential help here. Dont want to get too specific, but while DW is a SAHM she does have things going on (and paid help at the house) so it's not purely a matter of being confined to house and kids all the time. Which is not to say it's not still very stressful and probably, on some level, not as rewarding of an outside the family life as DW would have wanted.

[Anonymous]

If you want this relations to continue, insist on her medical check up. I would beging with a visit to a good endocrinologist and OBGYN to eliminate any hormonal disbalance. A lot of autoimmune diseases (like thyroid) and hormone disbalance can cause a mood swings that person cannot control. Yes, they can churn women into a monster. If the blood test will not indicate any deviations, then consult on any mental issues. Bailing out is the easiest way. Working through this together much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Sometimes I act like this. No excuse, but it is when I need help. I need my dh to help out a bit around the house. For example this am my two kids under 5 were fighting the dog needed to go outside and get fed, baby needs a diaper change and a bottle. He was in bed still. He finally got up and took over feeding the dog. Minutes later the dog is following me and I realize that 2 inches beside the dogs bowl is an empty water bowl. It's this, that gets me going and my husband saying, huh?
So no I don't need a professional. Maybe a professional massage. I just need you to help a tiny bit more than you do.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I finally sought help for my depression, not for myself as I always just dealt with it, but for my kids. I finally realized I needed to get my emotional swings under control because they deserved better. I felt like I was failing them and had to try to make it better.

I started 10mg of lexapro in August. I expected (hoped) that my depression would be lightened by this. I was really surprised that it greatly assisted me in maintaining a more steady keel and really being patient. I guess I only though of depression as being sad and weepy, not lashing out in anger and lack of patience.

I'm not a perfect parent, but those 10mg per day have made such a HUGE impact on me on so many levels (personal, parental, professional, relationships), that I would say it is life changing.

Help your wife to seek help.

Good luck, OP.

Not OP, but a DW that suspects I may have a similar struggle. Where did you get help? An MD or a psychiatrist? I've started talk therapy but counselor is a licensed psychologist, doesn't administer Rx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shit did I just write this? Same exact situation but my kids are 5 years older and I have been dealing with the shit for 5 years longer..

We need to start a club

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I finally sought help for my depression, not for myself as I always just dealt with it, but for my kids. I finally realized I needed to get my emotional swings under control because they deserved better. I felt like I was failing them and had to try to make it better.

I started 10mg of lexapro in August. I expected (hoped) that my depression would be lightened by this. I was really surprised that it greatly assisted me in maintaining a more steady keel and really being patient. I guess I only though of depression as being sad and weepy, not lashing out in anger and lack of patience.

I'm not a perfect parent, but those 10mg per day have made such a HUGE impact on me on so many levels (personal, parental, professional, relationships), that I would say it is life changing.

Help your wife to seek help.

Good luck, OP.

Not OP, but a DW that suspects I may have a similar struggle. Where did you get help? An MD or a psychiatrist? I've started talk therapy but counselor is a licensed psychologist, doesn't administer Rx.

PP here. I spoke to my primary physician and she agreed to write the prescription. I had done talk therapy before and I just didn't connect or thought it helped. I don't think my primary would've allowed me to go higher than 10mg without reintroducing talk therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

Well obviously because I'm not as smart as you.

NP. It's a valid question. I thought the same thing (and do for every post where things have been bad for a while but the kids are quite young).

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I am so sorry. But the glimmer of hope is that your wife seems to have some self-awareness of her problem - the fact that she does suggests that her issue is probably depression and stress, not a much more difficult personality issue.

I think joint counseling for you and your wife, and individual counseling for her, would be in order.

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up with a mom like your DW. It was awful. I wish that my parents had divorced and that at least I had one home where I didn't have to walk on eggshells 24/7 and worry about getting screamed at for little things here and there. My parents are still married and now my father bares the brunt of the tirades. From reading DCUM and other sources, I think my mother has borderline personality disorder and, in fact, someone wrote a book about it called Stop Walking on Eggshells, which I can't bring myself to read. All of this is to say that you need to really think of the effect this is having on your children and maybe 50% of the time in a calm environment is better than what they have now.