I want a divorce. AMA

[Anonymous]

Whatever. Get a number right? I am a DH. Been married 10 years or so, 2 great kids under 5. DW is a SAHM. DW and I haven't been great for a long, long time. Not sure we ever were. She's good at heart and works really hard to be a great mom. But she's SO angry all the time. Like, screaming at me because I got the wrong kitchen trash bags (just a quick example from today). Treating me like that is tolerable, but she does this to our sweet babies too. Then when she calms down she sort of guilts them in to apologizing to her or loving on her as like a way of making up. It wrecks me inside. I feel like I have to protect them as if she's hitting them or something. It honestly feels almost abusive to me. If it weren't for the likelihood that moms get kids in a divorce I would do it. I couldn't just not see my DC every day so that's not an option. Guess I'm just so incredibly sad.

[Anonymous]

Shit did I just write this? Same exact situation but my kids are 5 years older and I have been dealing with the shit for 5 years longer..

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shit did I just write this? Same exact situation but my kids are 5 years older and I have been dealing with the shit for 5 years longer..

Thanks buddy. I found this helpful and nice, even if it sort of confirms my future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

Thanks. This is honestly something I've had in the back of my mind. DW has some experience with some sort of depression or other mental/behavioral adjustment treatment long ago (before we met). I don't know much about it. No clue how to bring it up without setting off WWIII... But agree this is something to consider.

[Anonymous]

DW here. Sometimes I act like this. No excuse, but it is when I need help. I need my dh to help out a bit around the house. For example this am my two kids under 5 were fighting the dog needed to go outside and get fed, baby needs a diaper change and a bottle. He was in bed still. He finally got up and took over feeding the dog. Minutes later the dog is following me and I realize that 2 inches beside the dogs bowl is an empty water bowl. It's this, that gets me going and my husband saying, huh?
So no I don't need a professional. Maybe a professional massage. I just need you to help a tiny bit more than you do.

[Anonymous]

Pp dw here. Believe me I want a divorce too.

[Anonymous]

There is no excuse for screaming. As we tell our kids, it's ok to feel angry it is not ok to yell or hit. I would insist on couples counseling and anger management, annd screen for depression. And back it up with studies showing how damaging it is for the kids. It is abusive.

[Anonymous]

This is why being a sahm is terrible for those who refuse to stop when it's clearly a bad fit. I wish people realized this.

[Anonymous]

I'm honestly not trying to make excuses for your wife, but I agree with the depression posters. I am a wife/mother too and have had issues with depression since early childhood. And though I work full time with young children and have for years, it is SO different from being home alone with kids all day. Having other adults around makes a world of difference. I can deal with the most difficult kids at work with the patience of a saint, but when I've been alone for house with my 2 year old for hours, it's a different ball game.

Try to get her some help.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your wife is overwhelmed. Try giving her a night off each week and encouraging her to go out with friends or take a class. Let her come home to a clean house, kids fed, bathed, and in bed. It would have made a world of difference for me when my kids were that age. If that doesn't work, I agree you need to reevalaute the SAHM thing and consider having her work and hiring a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

Good advice. Hey, I was your wife -- 10 years ago. We went through a terrible 5-7 years. That's a long time. I was angry a lot. I was a SAHM who had had a very good career and it was really hard for me to be at home and I fight very isolated. I gained weight, and I had always been fit and attractive. FINALLY I realized something had to change and I tried an antidepressant (Wellbutrin), it's not a panacea, but it has taken that very hard, I am going to lose it/I am so angry feeling away. When the kids became school aged, I made some really great friends. I got a dog. I started doing book club, volunteering, EXERCISING, eating well, researching things I was interested in, meditation (I know sounds goofy). This all changed me for the better and brought me back to who I felt I used to be -- but actually an improved version. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we no longer think about divorce. I hope the same can be true for you both. (I used to YELL at the kids, and yank arms too hard, etc. I feel terrible about those times, but I have a really great relationship with my kids and I have apologized, not sure how much they remember, but they remember some of it when mommy would lose it). Good Luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why being a sahm is terrible for those who refuse to stop when it's clearly a bad fit. I wish people realized this.

It's not always a choice. I had a SN child and a husband that traveled all the time. We thought mom at home was best, though difficult. I had also had a situation with a nanny that was terrible, and made me fear hiring someone FT again.

[Anonymous]

What do you do when she yells at the kids, OP? Do you intervene? Talk to her about it in a calm moment?