I want a divorce. AMA

[Anonymous]

*bears the brunt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

Well obviously because I'm not as smart as you.

That's a cop-out answer. You will never get to the bottom of this, or find some kind of peace, until you are willing to face your own role in creating this situation. Sorry, but that's the truth.

[Anonymous]

If a woman was posting about a DH like this, everyone would call him an abuser and controlling and recommend counseling and getting out of the relationship. If it's a DW, people tell say oh she must be depressed and DH should help around the house more. I know that doesn't help the op, just an observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I finally sought help for my depression, not for myself as I always just dealt with it, but for my kids. I finally realized I needed to get my emotional swings under control because they deserved better. I felt like I was failing them and had to try to make it better.

I started 10mg of lexapro in August. I expected (hoped) that my depression would be lightened by this. I was really surprised that it greatly assisted me in maintaining a more steady keel and really being patient. I guess I only though of depression as being sad and weepy, not lashing out in anger and lack of patience.

I'm not a perfect parent, but those 10mg per day have made such a HUGE impact on me on so many levels (personal, parental, professional, relationships), that I would say it is life changing.

Help your wife to seek help.

Good luck, OP.

Not OP, but a DW that suspects I may have a similar struggle. Where did you get help? An MD or a psychiatrist? I've started talk therapy but counselor is a licensed psychologist, doesn't administer Rx.

PP here. I spoke to my primary physician and she agreed to write the prescription. I had done talk therapy before and I just didn't connect or thought it helped. I don't think my primary would've allowed me to go higher than 10mg without reintroducing talk therapy.

Thanks for responding. I'm going to mention it to my PCP - the idea of finding a psychiatrist is exhaustive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

Well obviously because I'm not as smart as you.

NP. It's a valid question. I thought the same thing (and do for every post where things have been bad for a while but the kids are quite young).

NP here. It is not really a valid question. It is a criticism. It is a judgement. People make bad decisions with good intentions. "Not sure if a relationship is great" is usually we are aware of in hindsight but not always aware of when in the midst of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Sometimes I act like this. No excuse, but it is when I need help. I need my dh to help out a bit around the house. For example this am my two kids under 5 were fighting the dog needed to go outside and get fed, baby needs a diaper change and a bottle. He was in bed still. He finally got up and took over feeding the dog. Minutes later the dog is following me and I realize that 2 inches beside the dogs bowl is an empty water bowl. It's this, that gets me going and my husband saying, huh?
So no I don't need a professional. Maybe a professional massage. I just need you to help a tiny bit more than you do.

This.

This *2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

Good advice

Thanks. This is honestly something I've had in the back of my mind. DW has some experience with some sort of depression or other mental/behavioral adjustment treatment long ago (before we met). I don't know much about it. No clue how to bring it up without setting off WWIII... But agree this is something to consider.

I'm kind of annoyed by the "don't take it personally" advice - it's like she's abusive (screaming is emotional/verbal abuse) to you and the kids and she's the one who's supposed to get sympathy. Screw that. Bullshit.

Your wife may need help, but she needs to want to go get it herself. Allowing her to perpetuate this by being abusive to your kids is failing your kids.

If you are fearful of setting off WWIII, then you're walking on eggshells and this is an abusive relationship where she is using the threat of being off the hook to control your behavior - and guilting your kids? Even worse manipulation.

Fuck your wife - take care of your children and yourself. Get them away from her. Separate. Tell her maybe the fam can get back together when she gets her shit in line.

[Anonymous]

THe above is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I have a question for you OP. You say you have been married for 10 years and that your relationship hasn't been great for a long time, and you're not sure it ever was. You chose to bring two innocent children into the world less than 5 years ago under those circumstances because....?

Well obviously because I'm not as smart as you.

NP. It's a valid question. I thought the same thing (and do for every post where things have been bad for a while but the kids are quite young).

NP here. It is not really a valid question. It is a criticism. It is a judgement. People make bad decisions with good intentions. "Not sure if a relationship is great" is usually we are aware of in hindsight but not always aware of when in the midst of it.

It is a valid question if OP ever wants to move his life forward, as he will need to take responsibility for his mistakes and actions. Yes, people make bad decisions with good intentions all the time, but if they don't learn from them -- and recognize their contribution - then they will continue to repeat those mistakes in other scenarios. OP appears to be not willing to examine the past and how he got to where he is. I get that that is difficult to do in a crisis situation with two kids to protect, but in his own best interest, he needs to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman was posting about a DH like this, everyone would call him an abuser and controlling and recommend counseling and getting out of the relationship. If it's a DW, people tell say oh she must be depressed and DH should help around the house more. I know that doesn't help the op, just an observation.

how many posts did you read from DWs about DHs like this, where the DH had left his job and career and was staying home taking care of two kids under 5? not many I guess. if you did, you probably would have found some answers from people suggesting that the DH is depressed and so and so.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. That isn't depression. That is a person who is stunted emotionally. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the life skills to handle the "stress" of small kids, because she must now put their needs before her own. She can't control her day, so she loses control by screaming. Maybe she doesn't know how to discipline small kids, and she loses control. Maybe she has a very controlling personality and she realizes she has no control over this area of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum when she doesn't get her way. That isn't depression. That is a person who is stunted emotionally. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the life skills to handle the "stress" of small kids, because she must now put their needs before her own. She can't control her day, so she loses control by screaming. Maybe she doesn't know how to discipline small kids, and she loses control. Maybe she has a very controlling personality and she realizes she has no control over this area of her life.

I meant to write your DW is a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why being a sahm is terrible for those who refuse to stop when it's clearly a bad fit. I wish people realized this.

A very judgmental post, but this PP has no knowledge of the OP's wife's situation. Comments like this show the poster's ignorance, nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Sometimes I act like this. No excuse, but it is when I need help. I need my dh to help out a bit around the house. For example this am my two kids under 5 were fighting the dog needed to go outside and get fed, baby needs a diaper change and a bottle. He was in bed still. He finally got up and took over feeding the dog. Minutes later the dog is following me and I realize that 2 inches beside the dogs bowl is an empty water bowl. It's this, that gets me going and my husband saying, huh?
So no I don't need a professional. Maybe a professional massage. I just need you to help a tiny bit more than you do.

This.

This *2

I tend to agree with this post.
I am a wife, SAHM to only one, but definitely not by choice. I won't be able to return to work for another year or two. I think i have low tolerance level, plus my H is a jerk (I don't know if this is the case with OP ). But I did find myself losing my shit way too often for my own liking.
I didn't go the medication route. I found a great therapist, had sessions via skype, she helped me a lot. Most importantly, she helped me become less anxious and not get set off by my H's jerkiness.
But still, I would NOT need a therapist if my H did simple things like:
not staying in bed until noon on weekends
not undermining my parenting all the time (or maybe he could even say something kind from time to time?)
actually suggest to take the kid for a couple hours so I could sleep in or maybe go get a pedi (not just agreeing if I asked him)
etc etc etc
Oh, and when I started yelling at the kid - I didn't need a reprimand. I needed someone to come in and fucking help me deal with the kid!!!

OP, I think if you spent the majority of the weekend with your kids, letting your wife chill out a bit, that would help all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your wife is depressed OP.

I wouldn't take it too personally right now.

She is a SAHM who has little or no identity + her life revolves around basically three things: You, your children and the household. She most likely has not outside interests to speak of and feels as if she is in a rut. Plus caring for young children is very demanding work on a daily basis, even more so for those suffering from depression.

Is there any way you can convince her to get evaluated by a professional? It couldn't hurt and can only help.

If she is in fact depressed, some good medication can make a HUGE difference in everyone's life here.

Please consider my advice. It could make a world of difference to your precious children.

Good luck to all of you.

DW here. This was me until I started therapy and meds. I was irritable all the time. I would get angry at little things, and bigger things would bring out some serious rage. There were times I wanted to get violent. Not with my children, but I would imagine myself beating the shit out of some stranger cutting me off or something. I would start getting panicky on sunday nights at the thought of being alone with the kids all week.

I would talk to your DW and see what's going on. Maybe suggest therapy? Get her some help. A babysitter a couple of days a week so she can go out (even to run errands) with out the kids. It's amazing the amount of stress being with two kids under 5 all day can cause a person, especially if they are high maintenance kids and especially if you have shit to do!