Husband makes work plans during our week at the beach. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is amazing. Guy has to work, so of COURSE he's having an affair.

Sheesh.

1. People actually have to work

2. He might not be that interested in the beach so he doesn't feel like he is missing anything


To say he is having an affair is insulting - why would anybody go there as a natural first assumption?


I know that there are plenty of people here who don't have a real job with real responsibility, but trust me, it happens.


Now, if it keeps happening at the last minute, my guess is that he has some work he could be doing but it is an easy excuse because he isn't that interested in the trip. Try going someplace else next year instead of the beach.

That's kind of what I'm saying. Guy works and a bunch of people automatically assume he's having an affair.

If I were him I'd rather be at work than stuck in a beach house with some woman who accuses me of having an affair every ten minutes.

"huh...my DH asked for a second cup of coffee...but he never drinks coffee at home, ZOMG HE MUST BE HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!11!!!"

For Chrissake, will some of you listen to yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he having an affair?

Standard knee-jerk answer. Her husband probably gets extreme anxiety about leaving his workload for a vacation. Consequently, he goes through the motions of attending but can't or won't. Not because of an affair.

And like another poster said, maybe he doesn't even like beach vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the work plans? Do they involve leaving the beach mid-vacation and returning to DC (so at least one day where he is totally absent) or is it possible for him to participate remotely (so missing a trip to the water but around for dinner later that night)?

For me, this is what made the difference. At this point, even when we're on vacation, I assume that DH will need to be dialed in to things at the office once a day at minimum. As long as his work does not mean that he leaves the place we're not vacation or is so caught up that he is completely unavailable for entire days, I'm cool with it. The tradeoff is that when he's done, he gets to do be in charge and I get to take a nap or a hot bath or whatever.

I sure hope your DH makes at least 500K a year for you and him to put up with that.

My DH makes 500k+ and he would never miss our vacations. Simple. Reschedule and say you will be away that week.

DH does often cancel our long weekend driving trips that requires one day off from work. It is low priority for him, he doesn't want to go that much and the weekend trip to Lancaster, Great Wolf, etc. is not more important the work thing that comes up.

Jeez, both of you.I'm the original PP whose husband sometimes works while we're on vacation. You all really are not okay with your husbands occasionally having to take a phone meeting or spend 2-3 hours writing something?

DH makes about 100k a year doing something that he absolutely loves. He comes on vacation with us and brings his laptop with him in case something comes up that can't wait until we get back to town. If he did not do that, the options would be a) he leaves vacation to come back to DC to deal with the work thing or b) he ignores the things that come up and comes back to DC to find that he doesn't HAVE a job. It's not like he's "in the office" working the whole time we're at the beach. Sometimes we do things separately, even when we're away together. It's really not that big a deal.

OP's husband sounds like an ass though and I agree that she should ask what's going on. A mature person does not wait until the car is packed and everyone is leaving to say they are not coming.

No, I'm not okay with it. I make more than 100K and very rarely need to work on vacation. If I was to regularly work on vacation, the job would need to pay 400 or 500 K.

Well, that's you. Your priorities clearly indicate that unless they quadruple your salary, you will only work during set times. I make what he makes and I NEVER have to work on vacation, but I also do not begrudge him a job he loves in a field that doesn't go into hibernation the second he goes anywhere with the family. If he was deliberately scheduling meetings every day or was avoiding his wife and kid in order to have conference calls, I'd be upset. But he's not. He's taking a phone call for at most an hour a day or writing a statement about some current event. Last time we went on vacation and he had to work, it was a function of there being a deadline revision for some federal comments that then had to be edited and submitted. It took an hour and a half, during which time I took a shower, had breakfast with DD and packed our stuff for the afternoon out. When he was done, he bolted down a sandwich and we went to the beach.

Out of curiosity, on your vacations, do you and your spouse ever do anything separately? We have some "on your own" time and some "all together" time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in my mom's day, moms took the kids and spent the entire summer at the beach. Dads came down on weekends.

I'd go that route if possible. Tell husband it would be great if he could come down for a long portion of the planned stay, and drive back the night before for his work obligations. It's an easy trip on weekday nights.

How old are you? And how wealthy were you raised? Summer homes are not and never were common, I hope that is not a newsflash for you.

[Anonymous]

I just plan vacations without DH. I told him that he can come with us or not. "The kids and I are going to Disney World on (insert dates here). My sister is coming and bringing her kids. You can come with us if you want."

He sat out for about 4 years and then decided that he was missing out. Now he comes with us 4 out of 5 times.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is more going on here than you're telling us. I understand leaving mid-week, or never fully committing to the trip and then crapping out a few days beforehand. But after you've loaded the car the morning you plan to leave?

That is weird, and it indicates to me that you don't talk to each other very much. Why on earth would you let this happen twice without asking him "Hey, honey -- Why don't you want to join us for beach week?"

I doubt it's an affair. I think he either hates the whole beach week thing (like many of us) or he is simply not mentally able to stop working.

If it's the former, find another family vacation. If it's the latter, go without him and enjoy it. But stop making the plan, packing and waiting for him in the driveway.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever consider that your husband has his own issues he's dealing with and a beach vacation isn't something he wants to do?

Perhaps he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I did for a long time and would pull stunts like the OP describes at the last minute because I just could bring myself to go someplace. It would cause me great distress.

Also, get out of the mentality that because you want to do something your husband also wants to do it. Chances are he'd rather be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever consider that your husband has his own issues he's dealing with and a beach vacation isn't something he wants to do?

Perhaps he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I did for a long time and would pull stunts like the OP describes at the last minute because I just could bring myself to go someplace. It would cause me great distress.

Also, get out of the mentality that because you want to do something your husband also wants to do it. Chances are he'd rather be working.

This is OP I think this is it. That is why I have not killed him yet. I would just go without him. It is not what I would prefer but he is free not to come. I asked him repeatedly if he doesn't want to go? But it still drives me crazy. I do not want to take two cars because then he would just leave.

[Anonymous]

OP Again. I do not think he is having an affair, unless it is with his work "a tough mistress!"

[Anonymous]

Seems like he's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are insane. Not everything is an affair, really. Sometimes people have to work. We take 4 vacations a year, 3 out of the country. On 2 of those my spouse and I have to work some due to the time of year and the events that occur around them. Some years more, some less. You just deal with it. It's an unfortunate by product of the modern era--you can't totally unplug any more in American business culture. At least not in the industry we're in. I make $200k, spouse about $500k. So it's not really a function of earning. You should stop harping on OP about how he should earn more for it, or grow bigger balls (those that said that, do you even work!?!?). It's the way some jobs/industries function once you get to a certain level, and if you want to maintain it, you acquiesce or are easily replaced. It's really not bad if you all know it and work together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever consider that your husband has his own issues he's dealing with and a beach vacation isn't something he wants to do?

Perhaps he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I did for a long time and would pull stunts like the OP describes at the last minute because I just could bring myself to go someplace. It would cause me great distress.

Also, get out of the mentality that because you want to do something your husband also wants to do it. Chances are he'd rather be working.

This is OP I think this is it. That is why I have not killed him yet. I would just go without him. It is not what I would prefer but he is free not to come. I asked him repeatedly if he doesn't want to go? But it still drives me crazy. I do not want to take two cars because then he would just leave.

Anxiety is real. I've been dealing with it all my life and didn't know it until 3 years ago. I finally got it under some control but I still have trouble saying no upfront and I sometimes back out last minute when I'm backed against a wall. It is torture. Especially when you can't really articulate what's happening and people get frustrated.

If this sort of behavior crops up in other areas I would suggest you talk to him about his stress and anxiety levels. We men are very bad at discussing or exploring these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are insane. Not everything is an affair, really. Sometimes people have to work. We take 4 vacations a year, 3 out of the country. On 2 of those my spouse and I have to work some due to the time of year and the events that occur around them. Some years more, some less. You just deal with it. It's an unfortunate by product of the modern era--you can't totally unplug any more in American business culture. At least not in the industry we're in. I make $200k, spouse about $500k. So it's not really a function of earning. You should stop harping on OP about how he should earn more for it, or grow bigger balls (those that said that, do you even work!?!?). It's the way some jobs/industries function once you get to a certain level, and if you want to maintain it, you acquiesce or are easily replaced. It's really not bad if you all know it and work together.

It is sad (in a way) but true. Some industries would prefer you be there and ready all the time.

[Anonymous]

As long as he was paying for the trip, it wouldn't bother me. It sounds like everyone should be used to it by now anyway.

[Anonymous]

Go with other family and factor DH out of it from now on. If at some point he's able to surprise you and actually go along, then fine.

That's shitty behavior, though. Another option is to take two cars and he can spend half the time at the beach and half home by himself. What field is he in?