Husband makes work plans during our week at the beach. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like he's having an affair.

I can't believe this thread has gone on for 4 pages without the standard DCUM yentas suggesting the wife explore divorce. Obviously the husband is up to no good, does not care enough for the wife and children's needs, and is emotionally disconnected and incredibly selfish. Can anyone provide suggestions for the best divorce attorneys in VA, DC, and MD or OP? OP is in crisis, please help her and the children find a safe place asap.

[Anonymous]

My dad hates the beach. Maybe your DH just doesn't want to go. Talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever consider that your husband has his own issues he's dealing with and a beach vacation isn't something he wants to do?

Perhaps he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I did for a long time and would pull stunts like the OP describes at the last minute because I just could bring myself to go someplace. It would cause me great distress.

Also, get out of the mentality that because you want to do something your husband also wants to do it. Chances are he'd rather be working.

This is OP I think this is it. That is why I have not killed him yet. I would just go without him. It is not what I would prefer but he is free not to come. I asked him repeatedly if he doesn't want to go? But it still drives me crazy. I do not want to take two cars because then he would just leave.

Does he only do this on beach vacations? Some men have a real phobia about being seen in public in swim trunks or without a shirt. It's not just women who can have serious body image issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who would rather work than go on vacation? WTf?

I pull this every year, but then there is extended family involved so its not like anybody is stuck there on their own.


1. I hate the beach and all of the BS that comes with it

2. I normally pay for the whole week for everyone

3. I don't want to go

4. We take other vacations together on our own

5. I can always find legit work to do and would be on the phone or the computer half of the day anyway


I am not having an affair, and I don't feel guilty about not going.

Then just have the balls to tell your wife ahead of time that you're not going. What's so hard about that? Waiting to bail at the last minute is not just asshole behavior, it's pathetic. And when your children are adults, that's exactly how they'll see it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this. I was in a job from the market crash until a year ago that was was incredibly stressful and competitive. The company laid of half the staff, and those that remained had to survive based on their production (sales). The market was lousy for my skill set to change companies (all in similar situation), and I felt lucky to still have a good paying job in my industry. Anyway, I could not let any opportunity to close a deal slip away. On every vacation (which were limited) I keep in constant touch with the office, and my clients for fear someone would snake them. It was a boiler room atmosphere. Maybe, just maybe the husband feels he needs to stay on top over things at work to assure he has a job going forward. Maybe this is more important to the family in the long run, and the selfish wife cannot get her arms around that and wants to make him the bad guy. Maybe those who suggest he is an "asshole" and "does not have the balls to stand up to his boss" don't know anything about the reality of the guy's job and its requirements (whether fair or not). So without hearing his side, not the slanted self serving version served up by his wife, maybe judgement should be withheld on his mixed up motives of putting work and the ability to provide for his family above being 100% devoted to the family during a vacation where they can find plenty to do without him for a period of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have small children, a beach vacation can be more work and less fun than staying home (ALONE! kid free!) to "work". Just putting it out there.

I think this is what's going on. He just doesn't want to admit it, so he makes out as though he has no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the work plans? Do they involve leaving the beach mid-vacation and returning to DC (so at least one day where he is totally absent) or is it possible for him to participate remotely (so missing a trip to the water but around for dinner later that night)?

For me, this is what made the difference. At this point, even when we're on vacation, I assume that DH will need to be dialed in to things at the office once a day at minimum. As long as his work does not mean that he leaves the place we're not vacation or is so caught up that he is completely unavailable for entire days, I'm cool with it. The tradeoff is that when he's done, he gets to do be in charge and I get to take a nap or a hot bath or whatever.

I sure hope your DH makes at least 500K a year for you and him to put up with that.

My DH makes 500k+ and he would never miss our vacations. Simple. Reschedule and say you will be away that week.

DH does often cancel our long weekend driving trips that requires one day off from work. It is low priority for him, he doesn't want to go that much and the weekend trip to Lancaster, Great Wolf, etc. is not more important the work thing that comes up.

Jeez, both of you.I'm the original PP whose husband sometimes works while we're on vacation. You all really are not okay with your husbands occasionally having to take a phone meeting or spend 2-3 hours writing something?

DH makes about 100k a year doing something that he absolutely loves. He comes on vacation with us and brings his laptop with him in case something comes up that can't wait until we get back to town. If he did not do that, the options would be a) he leaves vacation to come back to DC to deal with the work thing or b) he ignores the things that come up and comes back to DC to find that he doesn't HAVE a job. It's not like he's "in the office" working the whole time we're at the beach. Sometimes we do things separately, even when we're away together. It's really not that big a deal.

OP's husband sounds like an ass though and I agree that she should ask what's going on. A mature person does not wait until the car is packed and everyone is leaving to say they are not coming.

PP you are quoting. Of course DH takes occasional calls. Conference calls are totally fine. I answer more work emails than he does when we are on vacation. I meant missing the entire vacation like the OP claims her DH did because he had work come up as they were packing the car. Any responsible employee answers occasional emails and calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this. I was in a job from the market crash until a year ago that was was incredibly stressful and competitive. The company laid of half the staff, and those that remained had to survive based on their production (sales). The market was lousy for my skill set to change companies (all in similar situation), and I felt lucky to still have a good paying job in my industry. Anyway, I could not let any opportunity to close a deal slip away. On every vacation (which were limited) I keep in constant touch with the office, and my clients for fear someone would snake them. It was a boiler room atmosphere. Maybe, just maybe the husband feels he needs to stay on top over things at work to assure he has a job going forward. Maybe this is more important to the family in the long run, and the selfish wife cannot get her arms around that and wants to make him the bad guy. Maybe those who suggest he is an "asshole" and "does not have the balls to stand up to his boss" don't know anything about the reality of the guy's job and its requirements (whether fair or not). So without hearing his side, not the slanted self serving version served up by his wife, maybe judgement should be withheld on his mixed up motives of putting work and the ability to provide for his family above being 100% devoted to the family during a vacation where they can find plenty to do without him for a period of the trip.

Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. If this is the environment he is working in, year after year after year, his wife would probably know by now.

All of that is irrelevant anyway, as at they very least HE should be aware of his work environment and should not cancel a trip when the rest of the family is in the car waiting for him. That is inexcusable.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but regardless of why he doesn't want to go, he sounds like a wimpy, sniffling coward. If you hate the beach just say so. If he can't talk to his wife about something like that, then this is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this. I was in a job from the market crash until a year ago that was was incredibly stressful and competitive. The company laid of half the staff, and those that remained had to survive based on their production (sales). The market was lousy for my skill set to change companies (all in similar situation), and I felt lucky to still have a good paying job in my industry. Anyway, I could not let any opportunity to close a deal slip away. On every vacation (which were limited) I keep in constant touch with the office, and my clients for fear someone would snake them. It was a boiler room atmosphere. Maybe, just maybe the husband feels he needs to stay on top over things at work to assure he has a job going forward. Maybe this is more important to the family in the long run, and the selfish wife cannot get her arms around that and wants to make him the bad guy. Maybe those who suggest he is an "asshole" and "does not have the balls to stand up to his boss" don't know anything about the reality of the guy's job and its requirements (whether fair or not). So without hearing his side, not the slanted self serving version served up by his wife, maybe judgement should be withheld on his mixed up motives of putting work and the ability to provide for his family above being 100% devoted to the family during a vacation where they can find plenty to do without him for a period of the trip.

Unfortunately true. The beach is near. And it is not the most exciting vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this. I was in a job from the market crash until a year ago that was was incredibly stressful and competitive. The company laid of half the staff, and those that remained had to survive based on their production (sales). The market was lousy for my skill set to change companies (all in similar situation), and I felt lucky to still have a good paying job in my industry. Anyway, I could not let any opportunity to close a deal slip away. On every vacation (which were limited) I keep in constant touch with the office, and my clients for fear someone would snake them. It was a boiler room atmosphere. Maybe, just maybe the husband feels he needs to stay on top over things at work to assure he has a job going forward. Maybe this is more important to the family in the long run, and the selfish wife cannot get her arms around that and wants to make him the bad guy. Maybe those who suggest he is an "asshole" and "does not have the balls to stand up to his boss" don't know anything about the reality of the guy's job and its requirements (whether fair or not). So without hearing his side, not the slanted self serving version served up by his wife, maybe judgement should be withheld on his mixed up motives of putting work and the ability to provide for his family above being 100% devoted to the family during a vacation where they can find plenty to do without him for a period of the trip.

Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. If this is the environment he is working in, year after year after year, his wife would probably know by now.

All of that is irrelevant anyway, as at they very least HE should be aware of his work environment and should not cancel a trip when the rest of the family is in the car waiting for him. That is inexcusable.

If he is making the money to support the family, including the beach vacation, then he knows best what he needs to do to continue the gravy train for his family at work. His wife needs to get over it and be happy her husband is focused and supportive of the family. I pity the guy having to justify his need to manage his job.

[Anonymous]

OP, next year ask him if he wants to go or if you should take a friend instead. If he says he wants to go just say "OK.. then I expect you to actually GO."

It would save you the packing etc. for him to decide "at the last minute" that he can't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, next year ask him if he wants to go or if you should take a friend instead. If he says he wants to go just say "OK.. then I expect you to actually GO."

It would save you the packing etc. for him to decide "at the last minute" that he can't go.

Next year just stay home so you won't have to have a miserable vacation. Join the 47%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who would rather work than go on vacation? WTf?

Ummm...people who don't like to be around their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have small children, a beach vacation can be more work and less fun than staying home (ALONE! kid free!) to "work". Just putting it out there.

I think this is what's going on. He just doesn't want to admit it, so he makes out as though he has no choice.

+1.