Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

Revenge is highly underrated. Sometimes it's good to be able to be proactive instead of just being the victim.

[Anonymous]

How long has it been since you found out, OP? If it was recently, I wouldn't tell right away. Let yourself calm down, and be 100 percent certain you want a divorce.

If you tell him, and he leaves his wife, she is now free for your husband to have. If you are certain you want a divorce, you don't care about this. But if there is any part of you that thinks you might change your mind and want to try to reconcile, you might not want her to be single.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the other spouse if you are getting a divorce. He should have all the info so he can make a decision about his marriage. It's not fair that 3/4 of you know about the affair.

Yes, it can seem vengeful, but I think he has a right to know. Why do the cheaters get to be protected from the consequences of their actions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you found out, OP? If it was recently, I wouldn't tell right away. Let yourself calm down, and be 100 percent certain you want a divorce.

If you tell him, and he leaves his wife, she is now free for your husband to have. If you are certain you want a divorce, you don't care about this. But if there is any part of you that thinks you might change your mind and want to try to reconcile, you might not want her to be single.

As if being married stopped them from having an affair? Whether she is single or married, they will continue seeing each other. I'm with OP, divorce because once that trust is broken...

3 years? They can have each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband of eight years has been having an affair with a colleague for the past three years. He did not intend for me to find out, he got sloppy and I was blindsided with it. They claim to have some kind of "love" for each other, but they both "love, cherish and adore" their respective families and have had no intention of ever leaving them for each other. I guess they just planned to keep their "love" going--have their cake and eat it too. Without any hesitation or delay, I am leaving my husband. It is killing me, but I would never ever ever ever ever be able to trust him again--this has been going on for THREE YEARS! He is not the man I vowed to love forever. He has broken me. She has no intention of telling her husband, ever. It is taking every bit of my strength to not pick up the phone this very minute and call him. While I hate the thought of yet another family being torn apart, I also can't stand to think that this man has no clue what he is married to! He deserves to know. What are you thoughts? Mind my own business, or tell the oblivious husband?

NP, and I live by the Golden Rule of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Which means... I WOULD TELL THE OTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!!!

How would you feel if the roles were reversed and the other woman's husband found out, and then found out you had no idea? What would you want him to do? I would want to know, no question, I'd want him to call me and tell me.

Honey, life isn't black and white and the Golden Rule is childish. Consider a situation where a couple is OK with living in denial/doesn't want to know. You aren't a good samaritan. You are out for revenge. You want to destroy the other family and potentially hurt innocent children in your quake. Own it.

Two wrongs don't make a right. I learned that in Sunday school at around age 7. MYOB and deal with your own house.

[Anonymous]

He deserves to know. And you're not the one breaking up the family - she did that. He would just be learning about what's going on in his own life!!

[Anonymous]

I'd feel pretty disgusted with the other betrayed spouse if they found out and didn't tell me. The decent thing to do is to let the other spouse know. It's not the easy thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Honey, life isn't black and white and the Golden Rule is childish. Consider a situation where a couple is OK with living in denial/doesn't want to know. You aren't a good samaritan. You are out for revenge. You want to destroy the other family and potentially hurt innocent children in your quake. Own it.

If one has decided to ignore/deny his spouse's affairs (relationship in this case), then that person must also accept the risk that an affair partner's spouse will occasionally be calling or perhaps including her spouse in a divorce case. Once can wish to deny/ignore all one wants but that doesn't mean the affair will remain hidden. The betrayed spouse isn't the one to destroy a family and ruin innocence - it's the affair partners.

[Anonymous]

I would also want to know...but what is best for you is what i would do OP.

[Anonymous]

Get your financial and other affairs straightened out and amicable, then tell the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honey, life isn't black and white and the Golden Rule is childish.

The Golden rule is the only rule worth living by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Honey, life isn't black and white and the Golden Rule is childish.

The Golden rule is the only rule worth living by.

Ok. I'll play. Google Fallacy of the Golden Rule, ponder it and get back to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you found out, OP? If it was recently, I wouldn't tell right away. Let yourself calm down, and be 100 percent certain you want a divorce.

If you tell him, and he leaves his wife, she is now free for your husband to have. If you are certain you want a divorce, you don't care about this. But if there is any part of you that thinks you might change your mind and want to try to reconcile, you might not want her to be single.

As if being married stopped them from having an affair? Whether she is single or married, they will continue seeing each other. I'm with OP, divorce because once that trust is broken...

3 years? They can have each other.

I also think the marriage is over once the trust is broken, but couples do reconcile, and that decision should be made deliberately, not as a reaction.

In a situation where there are two marriages, someone is a second choice. Let's say OW is OP's husband's first choice, but OP's husband is OW's second choice--the attention is great but at the end of the day, OW wants the family/money/social standing that her husband provides. OP tells OW's husband about the affair and OW's husband leaves OW. OW runs to OP's husband, who is separated from OP. But as time passes, OP realizes she wants to work on the marriage for family/financial/social reasons, but now her husband has his first choice and is happy with OW...

I am not saying OP should not tell OW's husband; just that OP needs to be sure she is making a thought-out decision and is OK with whatever consequences arise from her actions. Give it a month, then make the call.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell. Their issues are not your concern.

Jeez people, you talk about making sure a cheater doesn't "get away with it" like cheating is murder. It's cheating, and while I don't condone it, it's a private issue. It's not like you are turning in a rapist. Lot's of people have cheated and gotten "away" with it and went back and raised children and lived happly ever after. I suppose we'd all be better off if we just broke up all families with cheaters, right?

[Anonymous]

I would worry about myself and stay out of someone else's relationship. It's not your story to tell.