Is it right to cheat if you get cheated on?

[Anonymous]

When faced with someone who wanted to cheat, my stance has been that if he doesn't feel able to commit and be monogamous with me, then I consider myself single, and will do as I please. I also make it clear that my preference is to be monogamous, but if he's not going to be, I am not required to be. I will not cheat, but will be quite open about it. That makes them stop and think. Of course, a hardcore cheater won't change. I wouldn't stay with one.

[Anonymous]

No, that just drops YOU down a level. Better to either forgive & forget or move on. But maintain your own integrity.

I can totally understand the desire for a revenge ONS, though...

[Anonymous]

I'm 16:12. I just think that for some people, one incidence of cheating will not be a deal-breaker. Some people will look at the history of their relationship and decide that given the 100 other good things about it, the husband (or wife) having one transgression is something they can get over. Some of my friends have made this decision, and I support them in whatever they decide.

I think sometimes cheating is a symptom of things that are off in the marriage. While the ideal way to deal with that stuff would be to talk about it, get counseling, instead, some people aren't self-aware or emotionally healthy enough to do the ideal thing, and cheat instead. Not condoning or excusing it, just saying I see how it happens. (I'm unmarried, and not a cheater.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 16:12. I just think that for some people, one incidence of cheating will not be a deal-breaker. Some people will look at the history of their relationship and decide that given the 100 other good things about it, the husband (or wife) having one transgression is something they can get over. Some of my friends have made this decision, and I support them in whatever they decide.

I think sometimes cheating is a symptom of things that are off in the marriage. While the ideal way to deal with that stuff would be to talk about it, get counseling, instead, some people aren't self-aware or emotionally healthy enough to do the ideal thing, and cheat instead. Not condoning or excusing it, just saying I see how it happens. (I'm unmarried, and not a cheater.)

That's me and I have posted this before. I would be pissed and hurt if my wife cheated as a one time deal, even under difficult circumstances. But I could never condone her falling in love with someone else and repeatedly seeing them. But I would not cheat, just get divorced. And it would take me a long, long time if ever that I would get involved with a new woman.

[Anonymous]

This is not rational. I don't understand why people are trying to rationalize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not rational. I don't understand why people are trying to rationalize it.

Maybe I'm rationalizing but I don't see it as revenge. I would not lie/deceive as cheating spouse did. I would not do it to expressly hurt spouse. In the world where we may still stay together, I would always wonder if cheating spouse knew he could cheat yet I would remain faithful and not divorce him, what is to stop them him from doing it again. I see it more of a pride thing than revenge. I have no interest in chasing someone that doesn't want to stay and while I would prefer monogamy if spouse is not being monogamous I agree with 10:05 that I'm free to do as I please. I have to admit this is a trigger point for me because my mom would not divorce my dad because she did not believe in divorce etc while it was clear dad had other women. Eventually they ended up divorcing because my dad filed but I felt like he got to make all the decisions regarding the relationship because my mom refused to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not rational. I don't understand why people are trying to rationalize it.

Maybe I'm rationalizing but I don't see it as revenge. I would not lie/deceive as cheating spouse did. I would not do it to expressly hurt spouse. In the world where we may still stay together, I would always wonder if cheating spouse knew he could cheat yet I would remain faithful and not divorce him, what is to stop them him from doing it again. I see it more of a pride thing than revenge. I have no interest in chasing someone that doesn't want to stay and while I would prefer monogamy if spouse is not being monogamous I agree with 10:05 that I'm free to do as I please. I have to admit this is a trigger point for me because my mom would not divorce my dad because she did not believe in divorce etc while it was clear dad had other women. Eventually they ended up divorcing because my dad filed but I felt like he got to make all the decisions regarding the relationship because my mom refused to do anything.

OP here

I agree with everything you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two wrongs do not make a right. No.

Sorry not sorry to say this, but anyone who says that line about this topic just sounds like an idiot. Seems the only people who say that in this situation are people who are not the "betrayed partner" and are just preaching and being condescending, or betrayed partners who are passive doormats. Example, my friend who is a total defenseless doormat in general. She's been very obvious cheated on over the years by her boyfriend of 23 years, then continued to unhappily obligatorily stay with him despite him cheating and also stringing her along, resulting in her still being unmarried and childless at an age that's now too late to have children. She also lives an unhappy, unfulfilling job of obligations, due in part to her still feeling the need to live up to strict little rules her late Catholic parents raised her on, despite her not liking the rules and being a grown adult whose parents passed years ago anyway. Not someone I'd ever want to use as a role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two wrongs do not make a right. No.

Sorry not sorry to say this, but anyone who says that line about this topic just sounds like an idiot. Seems the only people who say that in this situation are people who are not the "betrayed partner" and are just preaching and being condescending, or betrayed partners who are passive doormats. Example, my friend who is a total defenseless doormat in general. She's been very obvious cheated on over the years by her boyfriend of 23 years, then continued to unhappily obligatorily stay with him despite him cheating and also stringing her along, resulting in her still being unmarried and childless at an age that's now too late to have children. She also lives an unhappy, unfulfilling job of obligations, due in part to her still feeling the need to live up to strict little rules her late Catholic parents raised her on, despite her not liking the rules and being a grown adult whose parents passed years ago anyway. Not someone I'd ever want to use as a role model.

seriously, WTF? do you have nothing else going on in your life that you search for stale threads from three, four years ago and still feel the need to respond? you need to detach from the computer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two wrongs do not make a right. No.

This, but at the same time, might as well go down that path if you're heading towards a divorce anyways.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't, because I have no interest in being in a relationship where we retaliate against each other. I'd just divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not engage in revenge cheating.

I can't imagine a man I would cheat with. I have to at least like and respect anyone I'm with romanticly, and I just couldn't like or respect someone who would be with a married woman.

Give it time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see why you'd want to take your revenge in that way. Personally, though, I'd rather dump the guy (if the marriage was, in fact, broken) and then do whatever the hell I wanted with whoever the hell I wanted. Because when you're single, you can do that.

So if the marriage is not broken then divorce should be avoided? i don't think people should take into account whether the marriage is broken or not. The thing is he/she was cheating on you, lying and betraying you. Just because the marriage was good and the cheater is a nice person doesn't change the fact what they have been doing. The pain, anger, etc is still there.
I don't care if the person has been nice to me if he cheats he will get it back.

Cheating isn't a deal breaker for a lot of people.

You control your own behavior. It doesn't make your cheating any less wrong.

Plus it's not going to make you feel better. It may not phase the cheater. If anything you're putting yourself at risk for a disease.

I would do a payback to the cheater and the other person anonymously. Act all nice to spouse while watching the fallout. Been there done that.

It was enormous relief, then moved on.

[Anonymous]

No. Don’t be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't, because I have no interest in being in a relationship where we retaliate against each other. I'd just divorce.

Then he'll cheat again. It will go on and on. Not a solution.