Sex at 13?

[Anonymous]

As a middle school teacher this is not news to me. I hear "rumors" or actual stories about this all the time. When I was there age it was happening. I am 31. I'm surprised you are shocked about this OP. These are sadly the times we live in which is why I am very worried about what it will be like when my 3 year old daughter is a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can keep talking all you want. Kids are getting into trouble because they don't feel cared for. Period.

So are you saying that unless you show you "care" for your child, it doesn't matter what you say? What do you mean by "care"? You mean like a WOHM who doesn't spend enough time with the kid, or any parent that doesn't know what their kids are doing? Please, let's not make this about WOHM vs SAHM. I just want to know how to talk to my kid so this doesn't happen. And FWIW, I am PT WFHM and have no problem quitting to be full SAHM, but I don't think all kids who have a SAHM stay out of trouble.

I will not engage in where each parent works, or doesn't work.

Am just saying the kids aren't stupid. They have more information than most of their parents did at 18. But they need so much more than just the facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those adults who were doing this at 13, did your parents talk to you about these kinds of things? And if they did, did anything they said resonate with you at all? I'm very curious b/c obviously I don't want my kids doing this. How/what should we say to them?

Also, if your 13 yr old was doing this, what would you say or do?

Good point. I have an 11 year old and I am not sure how to talk to her about this but need to discuss it now, obviously. I remember when I was 13, my parents did not talk to me at all and I had sex when I was 14. I was one of those fools that God looked out for. But, I don't want to dare risk that with my own children. I am now 50 and a successful professional but had I gotten pregnant and had a baby at 13, it would have changed the course of my life in a very negative way.

So what will you say to your kids? Pls share b/c I am not sure what to say, but I'm gonna say something when they reach a 11 or 12. I was not sexually active at such a young age, so I'm curious what you would say since you've had experience. What can I say to get through to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 43 and it was happening when I was in 7th grade. And I was in Catholic School. I've known other people in the last 20 years who have started that early.

So were you abused as the PP stated - that most of these kids that start early have been abused by adults? Tell this to PP who stated that this is very rare and sensationalized. I agree, it's not most, but even if there are a handful, I'd still want to talk to my kids about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can keep talking all you want. Kids are getting into trouble because they don't feel cared for. Period.

I'm the PP who gave HJs and BJs in 8th grade (had an older no-good boyfriend that became my one and only not-healthy relationship). I was very loved and knew it, had (and have) great "good girl" friends, and believe it or not, have strong morals.

My parents talked to me early and often about the meaning and import of sex, and I got it. I verbally promised my mom I'd wait until I felt I could be responsible using protection, and for any outcomes should protection fail. I knew I wasn't mature enough to handle sex, and I didn't have actual intercourse until I was, the summer after my Sophomore year in college, with a guy I'd been dating for over a year. In my case, I didn't consider HJs and BJs to be sex, and certainly my parents didn't talk to me about them specifically, as it never crossed their minds (they were each other's 1st and it wasn't even part of their worldview). I told my mom the day after I had sex, and she took immediately to the store to buy different kinds of condoms and foams, and made the appointment that got me on the pill shortly thereafter. I suspect if they'd (somehow) managed to talk to me about hand/blow jobs, I'd have made different choices.

With my kids (baby boys), I plan to talk to them early and often, hope to instill a great respect for women (what my then boyfriend lacked) and sex, to include all its forms. If I can convince them to abstain from fooling around until high school, and intercourse until they're in a mutually healthy, loving relationship (whenever that is), I'll consider it a success.
For all kids, but girls especially, I think instilling confidence and self-worth is key so they can make the best decisions for themselves and not feel the peer pressure to engage in sex activities before they're ready.

[Anonymous]

10:04 here, not the middle school teacher.
You simply need to know your own kid. Every kid is different. So is every parent. There's no flow chart to tell you what to say when.

Knowing your own kid, is critical.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP who is the successful professional and had sex at 14. I was not abused, quite the contrary, I was sheltered but had too much time on my hands looking back now. My mother was a working professional too but she left the parenting to my grandmother and other female friends because she was always working. I know not to make that mistake now. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I juggle a demanding legal job but manage to pick my kids up each day and make their sports games. I don't want anyone else raising my kids or adults having too much access to my kids, which puts them at risk for abuse. But, this is a digression from what I and the other PPs were asking. What do you say to your kids at 10 and 11 so they are engaging in risky sexual activity at an early age? How do you open the conversation? There are lots of posters saying talk to your kids now but now giving advice on what to say.

[Anonymous]

Meant "are not engaging in risky sexual activity...". Sorry.

[Anonymous]

sex and other sexual activities happen in middle school. Not an ideal time for kids to become sexually active, but it does happen. Drinking and drug use also happens with this age group, by the way. Not a majority of kids, but some.

What can or should you do to keep your child from becoming a statistic? What were you planning on doing to keep them from being the statistic in high school or college?

Talk *with* them. Make sure they know the facts (the mechanics, how pregnancy happens, STDs, prevention). Do your best to share your values (the emotional side of sex; what it can/should mean; when is it the "right" time). Encourage their ability to stand up for themselves (how to say no to pressure). Help them learn to respect and value themselves and their bodies. Make sure you and the other adults in their lives model respectful behavior. When you watch shows and movies together, talk about the situations presented. Ask how that contrasts with their school and social groups.

Statistically, girls who are involved in sports start sexual activities at a later age. Partially because they are too busy. Partially because they have more self-confidence.

And these conversations should be with sons and daughters.

[Anonymous]

Say: "Sex, when you're with someone you love, is a really wonderful and powerful part of life, and it comes with many responsibilities that two people in love can share. Sex with someone you love, and who loves you, can bring you even closer and it's so exciting to be able to make each other feel good physically and emotionally. Mutual love and respect are magnified by sex. It's magical.
"On the other hand, sex with someone you don't love, or you believe doesn't love you, can drive you apart. Remember, love and respect will never be created by sex, only enhanced. If you're having sex with someone you don't completely trust, it can be painful both physically and emotionally, and unfortunately, girls often bear the brunt of the emotional side. (For boys: If you love her, you must show her first, and gain her complete trust, or the sex won't be enjoyable for her, and thus won't end up being as great for you.) (For girls: Unfortunately, girls often bear the brunt of the emotional side, so you must wait until you really trust him, and know that you'll be able to handle any problems that arise together.) (For Both: Please know that you can come to me at any time if you have any questions about anything, and I will support you. When you feel you're ready, I won't judge you, and I'll help you take the right precautions so you and s/he will stay healthy.)"

[Anonymous]

Does anyone here really think middle school kids don't know "how pregnancy happens"? Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can keep talking all you want. Kids are getting into trouble because they don't feel cared for. Period.

No, kids are just curious. I remember specifically wondering why sex was such a big deal when I was 13 and 14. I was well cared for, and lived a boring suburban life. Maybe that's why me and my girlfriends were so curious. The result of this? We had a contest to see who would lose our virginity first. I STILL can't believe that I came in second!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say: "Sex, when you're with someone you love, is a really wonderful and powerful part of life, and it comes with many responsibilities that two people in love can share. Sex with someone you love, and who loves you, can bring you even closer and it's so exciting to be able to make each other feel good physically and emotionally. Mutual love and respect are magnified by sex. It's magical.
"On the other hand, sex with someone you don't love, or you believe doesn't love you, can drive you apart. Remember, love and respect will never be created by sex, only enhanced. If you're having sex with someone you don't completely trust, it can be painful both physically and emotionally, and unfortunately, girls often bear the brunt of the emotional side. (For boys: If you love her, you must show her first, and gain her complete trust, or the sex won't be enjoyable for her, and thus won't end up being as great for you.) (For girls: Unfortunately, girls often bear the brunt of the emotional side, so you must wait until you really trust him, and know that you'll be able to handle any problems that arise together.) (For Both: Please know that you can come to me at any time if you have any questions about anything, and I will support you. When you feel you're ready, I won't judge you, and I'll help you take the right precautions so you and s/he will stay healthy.)"

What a bunch of BS! Sex is not magical, it's a part of life for grownups. If you tell kids it can be "magical" (which it isn't, it's physical and emotional), they'll want to have it. Listen to PP at your kids' peril. Here's another poster who just doesn't get it. What kids need to hear is go to college. Teen pregnancy will ruin your life, whether you have the baby or not. Learn how to say "NO" and mean it. Tell boys it'll ruin their future, too, because they don't hear it enough around here.

Personally, I knew a few kids who were sexually active at a young age. It didn't help them at all. A friend's sister had a baby at 16, married the boy, kept the baby, divorced the father a few years later, lived with her parents through college and eventually married a nice guy. This may seem like a happy outcome to those of you who have no sense, but as an observer from a safe distance, I think she wasted several years of her life on a guy her sister called a bum. To everyone.

Here's what you tell DD. Use birth control. Learn about your reproductive system. But more than that. Look at this guy: is he worth 18 years of child support arguments? Is he worth never having a life of your own? Go to college baby free. Plan for a future of your own first, have big dreams and pursue them with passion. Look beyond the guys you meet and make sure to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Never let yourself be pressured into sex and never put yourself into a position in which you can be intimidated. When your peers behave differently, think for yourself.

Anyone who lives by magical thinking is an utter moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can keep talking all you want. Kids are getting into trouble because they don't feel cared for. Period.

No, kids are just curious. I remember specifically wondering why sex was such a big deal when I was 13 and 14. I was well cared for, and lived a boring suburban life. Maybe that's why me and my girlfriends were so curious. The result of this? We had a contest to see who would lose our virginity first. I STILL can't believe that I came in second!

I'm sure I came in last, but my marriage has lasted 20 years. Who won?

Do you really measure yourself by such mean points?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who is the successful professional and had sex at 14. I was not abused, quite the contrary, I was sheltered but had too much time on my hands looking back now. My mother was a working professional too but she left the parenting to my grandmother and other female friends because she was always working. I know not to make that mistake now. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I juggle a demanding legal job but manage to pick my kids up each day and make their sports games. I don't want anyone else raising my kids or adults having too much access to my kids, which puts them at risk for abuse. But, this is a digression from what I and the other PPs were asking. What do you say to your kids at 10 and 11 so they are engaging in risky sexual activity at an early age? How do you open the conversation? There are lots of posters saying talk to your kids now but now giving advice on what to say.

Tell them you love them and that you want them to have a happy future. Tell them to respect themselves and to turn to you for advice. Tell them that their peers may do things they are not ready for but that your kids don't have to do that. Tell to think about what they do and make careful choices that won't hurt themselves or others and that if they think, wait, plan for the future and turn to you (about not only sex and love but what they feel about friendships and dreams for their lives), they can achieve their dreams and have fun. Protect them form peers who would pressure them. Most of all, get acquainted with their friends and their parents so that you feel safe about the people in their lives. You can do it.