Birth Control Lowers Sex Drive??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a woman, and hormonal birth control was fabulous for me! Lots of sex, lots of desire, never killed my sex drive. Nor that of my friends. Never heard this stuff until I came on the DCUM. Mirena was THE BEST!


Frankly I think it's less the birth control and more the babies women have that's the desire killer.

Babies were a desire killer just for a few years. My youngest is 4 and my sex drive is really up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:douchy PP here-

Funny how some women have jumped to the conclusion that men want "bjs on command". That's not it. At all. Not even close. If it was, men would command a bj every day. However, it seems that the women who have outrage about men wanting a bj from their wife are also okay with the other extreme- the wife refusing any intimacy because they aren't 100% in the mood at the beginning.

It seems that women expect men to understand that men and women are different biologically and emotionally. But women don't seem to be okay with that concept. The answer pushed by many here is that the woman's level of desire is the deciding factor, as though sex with their husband is a chore for them and most often, the last one they feel compelled to do. I'm not sure why it is a bad thing for a husband to want to be intimate with his wife.

As others have said, it isn't just about the physical release. That's a big part of it, sure. But for many men, myself included, it is about emotional and physical connection with my wife as well. And for women to say "just use your hand" is offensive and obtuse. Living in a sexless marriage is something too many women (and some men) seem to be okay with. Was my comment doucy? Sure. But it is on-par with women who ignore a core need of their husbands and think jacking off is an adequate replacement.

The issues in my marriage go beyond BC. I had a vasectomy and my wife is on no BC. We've talked about my needs and her needs. I feel like I have tried- many times over many months- to do what she has asked to rekindle her desire. But I feel that my wife has not held up her end. And when I try to initiate physical contact I am rejected most of the time. This says nothing about all the times I would love to be intimate and don't initiate anything because she's dropped pre-emptive hints about fatigue, headaches, and whatever else life has thrown that pushes intimacy to the bottom of her "chore list". Therefore- I'm angry and resentful about this topic. It really sucks to be rejected by my wife for months at a time.

But my question still remains- if a wife thinks that sex once a <insert timeframe here> is sufficient and the husband would like to have sex with his wife more often, is it too much to ask for her to consider his emotional and physical needs by having sex, even just oral, even though she may not be "in the mood"? I'm willing to bet that most women don't even consider giving a bj out of the blue just because he would love it.

If your needs trump his and you think he should just rub one out, I think you are a much bigger douche than the man who longs for intimacy with his wife.

So just don't be a douche and maybe you're going to get better, non-douchey responses. If you bait, people will take it.
I'll answer you from the most honest place I can, because I think your comments deserve a true response. I can only talk from my own experience. I don't know you, your wife, or anything else. In my opinion, men act like hormones don't really exist. Men act like the effect that hormones have on women is a joke and an excuse that women hang onto. Most women, if they are in love with their husbands, want to be intimate. But there are biological factors at play that result from either having children or aging or both that men simply don't experience. It's grossly unfair of men to expect women to navigate all of the changes that their bodies are going through and have to satisfy their husbands when sometimes, these hormones make you feel like the most undesirable, unsexy, unfeeling human being on the planet. Hear me PP - it doesn't matter what you tell her. There are times her body is telling her something completely different. For me, there are days I feel trapped inside my body, which is changing from day to day it seems as I move into pre-menopause. It's a scary time. After having kids, I felt the same way, like my body didn't belong to me anymore. It's hormones, and they're real. After having kids, I loved that my body created these amazing human beings, but I hated my body for betraying me when I wanted to be intimate with my husband. It failed me. Time and time again. So I'm supposed to take all of these feelings and reality of my body morphing into who knows what on any given day, and just suck it up and give a blow job? I really don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a few recommendations here for the copper IUD. And I have friends who swear by it. Not for me, sadly.

I had a Paragard inserted a few months ago and it's tanked my sex drive. Painful sex, really hard to orgasm, infections, menstrual cramps that bring me to my knees (and I had an unmedicated pitocin labor, I have a high threshold!), weight gain, cystic acne. I feel like a depressed lump. I'm still initiating sex even though I have almost no desire, hoping each time that it'll get better, but it's not. I had a high libido, but honestly now if you told me I had to go without for a few months, I'd shrug. I'm giving it one more cycle then out it comes.
I'm at a loss for what to try next. Hormonal birth control is out due to medical history.

I can't say for sure, but I thought the Paragard was supposed to reduce infection because of the copper. See a doc, but your symptoms seem a bit inconsistent for Paragard. Maybe it was inserted upside down (I'm kidding).

Are you cycling regularly, regular cycle length? The acne and weight gain sound like PCOS. I would look up endometriosis, too. I'm not a clinician, so I'm just throwing out ideas.

If you haven't, get yourself to a physician.

Thanks for your reply. Hadn't considered the PCOS angle--is that something that could just appear after years of normal cycles? I've already been to the doctor 4 times since I've had the IUD placed. Regarding infections, nurse said she's seen enough cases of infections with IUD that she has come to believe that the irritation/disturbance caused by IUD strings can make women more susceptible to infection. Insertion was a breeze and for the first few days I was thrilled with it, so the complications have been a downer.

[Anonymous]

I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:douchy PP here-

Funny how some women have jumped to the conclusion that men want "bjs on command". That's not it. At all. Not even close. If it was, men would command a bj every day. However, it seems that the women who have outrage about men wanting a bj from their wife are also okay with the other extreme- the wife refusing any intimacy because they aren't 100% in the mood at the beginning.

It seems that women expect men to understand that men and women are different biologically and emotionally. But women don't seem to be okay with that concept. The answer pushed by many here is that the woman's level of desire is the deciding factor, as though sex with their husband is a chore for them and most often, the last one they feel compelled to do. I'm not sure why it is a bad thing for a husband to want to be intimate with his wife.

As others have said, it isn't just about the physical release. That's a big part of it, sure. But for many men, myself included, it is about emotional and physical connection with my wife as well. And for women to say "just use your hand" is offensive and obtuse. Living in a sexless marriage is something too many women (and some men) seem to be okay with. Was my comment doucy? Sure. But it is on-par with women who ignore a core need of their husbands and think jacking off is an adequate replacement.

The issues in my marriage go beyond BC. I had a vasectomy and my wife is on no BC. We've talked about my needs and her needs. I feel like I have tried- many times over many months- to do what she has asked to rekindle her desire. But I feel that my wife has not held up her end. And when I try to initiate physical contact I am rejected most of the time. This says nothing about all the times I would love to be intimate and don't initiate anything because she's dropped pre-emptive hints about fatigue, headaches, and whatever else life has thrown that pushes intimacy to the bottom of her "chore list". Therefore- I'm angry and resentful about this topic. It really sucks to be rejected by my wife for months at a time.

But my question still remains- if a wife thinks that sex once a <insert timeframe here> is sufficient and the husband would like to have sex with his wife more often, is it too much to ask for her to consider his emotional and physical needs by having sex, even just oral, even though she may not be "in the mood"? I'm willing to bet that most women don't even consider giving a bj out of the blue just because he would love it.

If your needs trump his and you think he should just rub one out, I think you are a much bigger douche than the man who longs for intimacy with his wife.

So just don't be a douche and maybe you're going to get better, non-douchey responses. If you bait, people will take it.
I'll answer you from the most honest place I can, because I think your comments deserve a true response. I can only talk from my own experience. I don't know you, your wife, or anything else. In my opinion, men act like hormones don't really exist. Men act like the effect that hormones have on women is a joke and an excuse that women hang onto. Most women, if they are in love with their husbands, want to be intimate. But there are biological factors at play that result from either having children or aging or both that men simply don't experience. It's grossly unfair of men to expect women to navigate all of the changes that their bodies are going through and have to satisfy their husbands when sometimes, these hormones make you feel like the most undesirable, unsexy, unfeeling human being on the planet. Hear me PP - it doesn't matter what you tell her. There are times her body is telling her something completely different. For me, there are days I feel trapped inside my body, which is changing from day to day it seems as I move into pre-menopause. It's a scary time. After having kids, I felt the same way, like my body didn't belong to me anymore. It's hormones, and they're real. After having kids, I loved that my body created these amazing human beings, but I hated my body for betraying me when I wanted to be intimate with my husband. It failed me. Time and time again. So I'm supposed to take all of these feelings and reality of my body morphing into who knows what on any given day, and just suck it up and give a blow job? I really don't think so.

Well said by both PPs. I'm a guy, so I identify with the first post much more strongly than the second. But, intellectually, I recognize the truth of the woman's response. For my part, I think I was *too* understanding. For the longest time, I didn't complain, I didn't prod, I understood that pregnancy, babies, and toddlers just took their toll. I tried to just take what I was given and be happy about it. I wasn't always successful, but my wife was honestly surprised when - after our kids hit school age and nothing was getting better - that our sex life (or lack thereof) was a real problem for me. It ultimately led to me getting a vasectomy and her getting her hormonal IUD removed. Things improved somewhat.

But, since I identified our sex life as a problem for me, what has been so important to me is when I see her trying to do something about it. We don't necessarily have to have more sex as a result. When I see her researching libido issues or reading smutty novels to try to rev herself up, it sends a message: "Sex is important to you, so it's important to me, and I'm trying." Getting her IUD removed even though it meant that she'd start having to deal with periods again was also a significant move in my mind. That's her communicating love to me in a way I understand.

What would not be helpful to me is if, after I identified the concern to her, she just shrugged her shoulders, said "hormones" and then made no effort to do anything about it. For my part, I'm trying to hit the gym harder - make myself physically more attractive, trying to dress better, and trying to be more assertive and exciting in my initiations. (Picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom instead of "wanna do it?") And, finally, just not being passive-agressive and pissy when she does turn me down. (This is easier as she rejects me less.)

Maybe sex itself isn't always going to be an option, but I think everyone wins when both spouses can see the other one making their sexual needs a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:douchy PP here-

Funny how some women have jumped to the conclusion that men want "bjs on command". That's not it. At all. Not even close. If it was, men would command a bj every day. However, it seems that the women who have outrage about men wanting a bj from their wife are also okay with the other extreme- the wife refusing any intimacy because they aren't 100% in the mood at the beginning.

It seems that women expect men to understand that men and women are different biologically and emotionally. But women don't seem to be okay with that concept. The answer pushed by many here is that the woman's level of desire is the deciding factor, as though sex with their husband is a chore for them and most often, the last one they feel compelled to do. I'm not sure why it is a bad thing for a husband to want to be intimate with his wife.

As others have said, it isn't just about the physical release. That's a big part of it, sure. But for many men, myself included, it is about emotional and physical connection with my wife as well. And for women to say "just use your hand" is offensive and obtuse. Living in a sexless marriage is something too many women (and some men) seem to be okay with. Was my comment doucy? Sure. But it is on-par with women who ignore a core need of their husbands and think jacking off is an adequate replacement.

The issues in my marriage go beyond BC. I had a vasectomy and my wife is on no BC. We've talked about my needs and her needs. I feel like I have tried- many times over many months- to do what she has asked to rekindle her desire. But I feel that my wife has not held up her end. And when I try to initiate physical contact I am rejected most of the time. This says nothing about all the times I would love to be intimate and don't initiate anything because she's dropped pre-emptive hints about fatigue, headaches, and whatever else life has thrown that pushes intimacy to the bottom of her "chore list". Therefore- I'm angry and resentful about this topic. It really sucks to be rejected by my wife for months at a time.

But my question still remains- if a wife thinks that sex once a <insert timeframe here> is sufficient and the husband would like to have sex with his wife more often, is it too much to ask for her to consider his emotional and physical needs by having sex, even just oral, even though she may not be "in the mood"? I'm willing to bet that most women don't even consider giving a bj out of the blue just because he would love it.

If your needs trump his and you think he should just rub one out, I think you are a much bigger douche than the man who longs for intimacy with his wife.

your biggest problem here is that you two have made sex a "chore". it's not sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a few recommendations here for the copper IUD. And I have friends who swear by it. Not for me, sadly.

I had a Paragard inserted a few months ago and it's tanked my sex drive. Painful sex, really hard to orgasm, infections, menstrual cramps that bring me to my knees (and I had an unmedicated pitocin labor, I have a high threshold!), weight gain, cystic acne. I feel like a depressed lump. I'm still initiating sex even though I have almost no desire, hoping each time that it'll get better, but it's not. I had a high libido, but honestly now if you told me I had to go without for a few months, I'd shrug. I'm giving it one more cycle then out it comes.
I'm at a loss for what to try next. Hormonal birth control is out due to medical history.

I can't say for sure, but I thought the Paragard was supposed to reduce infection because of the copper. See a doc, but your symptoms seem a bit inconsistent for Paragard. Maybe it was inserted upside down (I'm kidding).

Are you cycling regularly, regular cycle length? The acne and weight gain sound like PCOS. I would look up endometriosis, too. I'm not a clinician, so I'm just throwing out ideas.

If you haven't, get yourself to a physician.

Thanks for your reply. Hadn't considered the PCOS angle--is that something that could just appear after years of normal cycles? I've already been to the doctor 4 times since I've had the IUD placed. Regarding infections, nurse said she's seen enough cases of infections with IUD that she has come to believe that the irritation/disturbance caused by IUD strings can make women more susceptible to infection. Insertion was a breeze and for the first few days I was thrilled with it, so the complications have been a downer.

Yes, PCOS can start even after children. But, if you had PCOS, I would assume you would stop cycling, or least be irregular. But, I'm not 100% certain about the progression of symptoms. Would be worth discussing on your 5th doc visit. The acne and weight gain are really important to discuss. I would write down your history in a notebook regarding all this (i.e., start keeping a journal) so you can give the best possible info when you go in.

I thought Paragard didn't have a string? I thought it was wire? The irritation of the uterine wall is part of how the IUD works, so increases in infection would seem more likely to be a result of increased access to the uterus by bacteria. The uterus is a nice home for bacteria, so keeping them out is important.

I wish I had more and better advice to offer you, other than go see a Dr again...I think you can get all this under control, though, so try and remain optimistic. You might do well seeing a new doc, get a fresh perspective, even if you opt to remove the IUD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want.

how did you fix it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just don't be a douche and maybe you're going to get better, non-douchey responses. If you bait, people will take it.
I'll answer you from the most honest place I can, because I think your comments deserve a true response. I can only talk from my own experience. I don't know you, your wife, or anything else. In my opinion, men act like hormones don't really exist. Men act like the effect that hormones have on women is a joke and an excuse that women hang onto. Most women, if they are in love with their husbands, want to be intimate. But there are biological factors at play that result from either having children or aging or both that men simply don't experience. It's grossly unfair of men to expect women to navigate all of the changes that their bodies are going through and have to satisfy their husbands when sometimes, these hormones make you feel like the most undesirable, unsexy, unfeeling human being on the planet. Hear me PP - it doesn't matter what you tell her. There are times her body is telling her something completely different. For me, there are days I feel trapped inside my body, which is changing from day to day it seems as I move into pre-menopause. It's a scary time. After having kids, I felt the same way, like my body didn't belong to me anymore. It's hormones, and they're real. After having kids, I loved that my body created these amazing human beings, but I hated my body for betraying me when I wanted to be intimate with my husband. It failed me. Time and time again. So I'm supposed to take all of these feelings and reality of my body morphing into who knows what on any given day, and just suck it up and give a blow job? I really don't think so.

Ok- the douchy bj comment was in response to a PP who said she couldn't have sex when not in the mood because it hurt. That is a cop-out and very narrow minded to me. It doesn't have to be sex. It doesn't have to be a bj. It could be kissing, dirty talk, and an hj while helping him. My point was that there are LOTS of things women can do to help men while being intimate without having dry, painful intercourse.

Again, I'm not talking about sucking it up every day. But once in a while? So you're basically saying that your desire is the deciding factor about when you're intimate with your husband. I don't think that is fair. I understand that hormones have a huge impact on how you feel- that is the same for men and women. You seem to be missing the key that MEN have similar, albeit different, physical changes and needs. So your hormones make you feel unsexy. But your HUSBAND still finds you sexy and attactive and wants to be intimate with you. You're saying that your hormones trump your husband. And I think that is bullshit and the reason why so many men are "whiny douchebags". If wives put their needs, along with everyone else, before your husbands' every day, what is the response supposed to be? The same would be said for a DH who doesn't like to go down on his wife- you really should do it if it makes her happy.

Here's a newsflash- many men don't enjoy all the romance, cuddling, and non-sexual attention that women enjoy. Personally, I do but many men do not. But women expect men to put forth the effort to do something they don't enjoy because it makes them happy. I guess I don't see how giving a bj when you're not in the mood occasionally is really any different. Do something you don't necessarily enjoy because it makes your spouse happy.

To the other PP- I have not made sex a chore. That's my wife and it echos many of the sentiments on this board. Women seem to resent their husbands for "wanting something from them" instead of thinking of it as doing something together.

I don't expect life to be full of romance, unicorns, and rainbows. We all get busy and life takes its toll. But sometimes it would be nice to just have a screw for the sake of having a screw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't be a douche and maybe you're going to get better, non-douchey responses. If you bait, people will take it.
I'll answer you from the most honest place I can, because I think your comments deserve a true response. I can only talk from my own experience. I don't know you, your wife, or anything else. In my opinion, men act like hormones don't really exist. Men act like the effect that hormones have on women is a joke and an excuse that women hang onto. Most women, if they are in love with their husbands, want to be intimate. But there are biological factors at play that result from either having children or aging or both that men simply don't experience. It's grossly unfair of men to expect women to navigate all of the changes that their bodies are going through and have to satisfy their husbands when sometimes, these hormones make you feel like the most undesirable, unsexy, unfeeling human being on the planet. Hear me PP - it doesn't matter what you tell her. There are times her body is telling her something completely different. For me, there are days I feel trapped inside my body, which is changing from day to day it seems as I move into pre-menopause. It's a scary time. After having kids, I felt the same way, like my body didn't belong to me anymore. It's hormones, and they're real. After having kids, I loved that my body created these amazing human beings, but I hated my body for betraying me when I wanted to be intimate with my husband. It failed me. Time and time again. So I'm supposed to take all of these feelings and reality of my body morphing into who knows what on any given day, and just suck it up and give a blow job? I really don't think so.

Ok- the douchy bj comment was in response to a PP who said she couldn't have sex when not in the mood because it hurt. That is a cop-out and very narrow minded to me. It doesn't have to be sex. It doesn't have to be a bj. It could be kissing, dirty talk, and an hj while helping him. My point was that there are LOTS of things women can do to help men while being intimate without having dry, painful intercourse.

Again, I'm not talking about sucking it up every day. But once in a while? So you're basically saying that your desire is the deciding factor about when you're intimate with your husband. I don't think that is fair. I understand that hormones have a huge impact on how you feel- that is the same for men and women. You seem to be missing the key that MEN have similar, albeit different, physical changes and needs. So your hormones make you feel unsexy. But your HUSBAND still finds you sexy and attactive and wants to be intimate with you. You're saying that your hormones trump your husband. And I think that is bullshit and the reason why so many men are "whiny douchebags". If wives put their needs, along with everyone else, before your husbands' every day, what is the response supposed to be? The same would be said for a DH who doesn't like to go down on his wife- you really should do it if it makes her happy.

Here's a newsflash- many men don't enjoy all the romance, cuddling, and non-sexual attention that women enjoy. Personally, I do but many men do not. But women expect men to put forth the effort to do something they don't enjoy because it makes them happy. I guess I don't see how giving a bj when you're not in the mood occasionally is really any different. Do something you don't necessarily enjoy because it makes your spouse happy.

To the other PP- I have not made sex a chore. That's my wife and it echos many of the sentiments on this board. Women seem to resent their husbands for "wanting something from them" instead of thinking of it as doing something together.

I don't expect life to be full of romance, unicorns, and rainbows. We all get busy and life takes its toll. But sometimes it would be nice to just have a screw for the sake of having a screw.

I think we are actually more on the same page than you realize. I am certainly not suggesting "never" or "always" or "every day" or anything like that in this realm. I get your point of view, and I think it's similar to my husband's. (With the exception of oral sex in any capacity, either giving or receiving, which sucks for me but I deal with it. It was a huge issue for me to be honest.) After a lot of crazy up and down and all over the place with having kids, etc. I realized that my husband endured a lot of "not tonight" from me. Yes, in those instances, my hormones trumped my husband's. I now shoulder any initiating and am getting my fair share of "not tonights" as he deals with stress from job and finishing a masters degree. In those instances, his are trumping mine. It's fine. We're in this for the long haul, not just for the here and now. It's a long time to be together and we'll go through phases. I know that there will come a day when we're back in sync again, but we find ways of letting each other know that we still find each other attractive. I won't bore you with the details but I literally write them down for him. I will also suggest super quickies, just to connect. I also will "kidnap" him for the night, steal with the remote, and light some damn candles and give him a backrub and connect even more. And sometimes we zone out because we're both just so damn tired. All of it is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want.

how did you fix it?

I'm not sure we've "fixed" it entirely. But things are a lot better. But, off hand, here are some things I've done:

1) I waited until the kids were school age (that may have been too long, but this stuff is less likely to work with, say, newborns screwing up the works).

2) I talked to her about it. But only once or twice and I tried to do it in a non-accusatory, non-bitchy way outside of the bedroom. Making the conversations calm and neutral are less likely to put her on the defensive and, in any case, whining about needing sex is deeply unsexy. That's also why such communication needs to be limited. You need to get the message across that This Is Important, but making her feel pressured for sex or making yourself look desperate for sex (even if you are) will backfire.

3) We got rid of the artificial hormones. Once she realized it was important, she got rid of her hormonal IUD and I got a vasectomy.

4) I began to initiate more and, when she rejects my initiations, do my best to trust her when she tells me that it's not personal, that it's not that she finds me unattractive. Getting pissy when the only person in the world you're allowed to have sex with tells you "no" is understandable but very counterproductive. Initiating a lot makes her acknowledge to herself that she's turning you down. Being pleasant when she turns you down makes her more comfortable about sex generally. When she feels more comfortable saying "no," she'll be more relaxed about sex in general which will make it easier to feel sexy.

5) I began to initiate better. Instead of talking or asking, I just do. She can still say "no" when I'm kissing on her or grabbing her or carrying her to the bedroom, and I'll stop. But acting instead of asking is more likely to make her feel like going along with it.

6) I'm making an effort to make myself more attractive -- going to the gym more, watching what I eat, dressing better, and being higher energy around her. The higher energy part can be tough. You give the best of yourself to the outside world and, when you get home, you just want to power down and decompress. This is normal, but a glazed eyed zombie who grunts and watches the TV for a couple of hours before asking "do you wanna do it?" isn't very sexy.

7) When she suggests she's only up for a quickie, I take the offer in the spirit in which it's given. Rather than being annoyed that she isn't up for sex enough to make a production out of it, I let myself be content to just go at it with her. My habit in earlier years was to go about foreplay in a workmanlike fashion regardless until she got her orgasm. A lot of times she appreciates the effort. But sometimes, that's just more time, energy, and pressure for her. Sometimes she honestly just enjoys me going at her fast and hard, showing my passion for her - even if she isn't necessarily going to get off that night. Me being ok with this too takes a lot of the pressure off and, consequently, makes her want the longer sessions more often.

8) Ignore a lot of what you read on line. So much of what I read when I was fumbling through this issue had to do with things like "choreplay" and date night. There are probably some marriages where doing more dishes or going out more is the key to more and better sex, but they had zero impact on my wife's libido.

Hope some of that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want.

how did you fix it?

I'm not sure we've "fixed" it entirely. But things are a lot better. But, off hand, here are some things I've done:

1) I waited until the kids were school age (that may have been too long, but this stuff is less likely to work with, say, newborns screwing up the works).

2) I talked to her about it. But only once or twice and I tried to do it in a non-accusatory, non-bitchy way outside of the bedroom. Making the conversations calm and neutral are less likely to put her on the defensive and, in any case, whining about needing sex is deeply unsexy. That's also why such communication needs to be limited. You need to get the message across that This Is Important, but making her feel pressured for sex or making yourself look desperate for sex (even if you are) will backfire.

3) We got rid of the artificial hormones. Once she realized it was important, she got rid of her hormonal IUD and I got a vasectomy.

4) I began to initiate more and, when she rejects my initiations, do my best to trust her when she tells me that it's not personal, that it's not that she finds me unattractive. Getting pissy when the only person in the world you're allowed to have sex with tells you "no" is understandable but very counterproductive. Initiating a lot makes her acknowledge to herself that she's turning you down. Being pleasant when she turns you down makes her more comfortable about sex generally. When she feels more comfortable saying "no," she'll be more relaxed about sex in general which will make it easier to feel sexy.

5) I began to initiate better. Instead of talking or asking, I just do. She can still say "no" when I'm kissing on her or grabbing her or carrying her to the bedroom, and I'll stop. But acting instead of asking is more likely to make her feel like going along with it.

6) I'm making an effort to make myself more attractive -- going to the gym more, watching what I eat, dressing better, and being higher energy around her. The higher energy part can be tough. You give the best of yourself to the outside world and, when you get home, you just want to power down and decompress. This is normal, but a glazed eyed zombie who grunts and watches the TV for a couple of hours before asking "do you wanna do it?" isn't very sexy.

7) When she suggests she's only up for a quickie, I take the offer in the spirit in which it's given. Rather than being annoyed that she isn't up for sex enough to make a production out of it, I let myself be content to just go at it with her. My habit in earlier years was to go about foreplay in a workmanlike fashion regardless until she got her orgasm. A lot of times she appreciates the effort. But sometimes, that's just more time, energy, and pressure for her. Sometimes she honestly just enjoys me going at her fast and hard, showing my passion for her - even if she isn't necessarily going to get off that night. Me being ok with this too takes a lot of the pressure off and, consequently, makes her want the longer sessions more often.

8) Ignore a lot of what you read on line. So much of what I read when I was fumbling through this issue had to do with things like "choreplay" and date night. There are probably some marriages where doing more dishes or going out more is the key to more and better sex, but they had zero impact on my wife's libido.

Hope some of that helps.

thank you for the tips

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormonal IUD killed my wife's drive. It was subtle too -- she had a decent drive in her 20s on the pill. Then we had kids close together. Lots of sex between 1 & 2 -- hard telling if that was high drive, or just very motivated to conceive #2. After #2, she got the IUD put in. Next couple of years was low sex drive -- we chalked it up to having infants, then toddlers. Eventually we realized Mirena was potentially a problem. I got a vasectomy and she got the IUD pulled. Her drive is mostly better now.

Looks a lot like what I went through. Low drive while on the pill. Once off the pill to conceive, wanted it all the time, even while pregnant. Then got the Mirena in 6-weeks PP. Then ex-DH got the vasectomy and ditched me for the other woman. I got the mirena out and about 2 weeks later I was going up the walls. Good thing okc is a thing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on BC long term, and i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period. BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive. the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine. not to mention even when we do have sex, somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc. i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing. yet again, it's up to me. also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying. for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again. honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do. we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern. i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want.

how did you fix it?

I'm not sure we've "fixed" it entirely. But things are a lot better. But, off hand, here are some things I've done:

1) I waited until the kids were school age (that may have been too long, but this stuff is less likely to work with, say, newborns screwing up the works).

2) I talked to her about it. But only once or twice and I tried to do it in a non-accusatory, non-bitchy way outside of the bedroom. Making the conversations calm and neutral are less likely to put her on the defensive and, in any case, whining about needing sex is deeply unsexy. That's also why such communication needs to be limited. You need to get the message across that This Is Important, but making her feel pressured for sex or making yourself look desperate for sex (even if you are) will backfire.

3) We got rid of the artificial hormones. Once she realized it was important, she got rid of her hormonal IUD and I got a vasectomy.

4) I began to initiate more and, when she rejects my initiations, do my best to trust her when she tells me that it's not personal, that it's not that she finds me unattractive. Getting pissy when the only person in the world you're allowed to have sex with tells you "no" is understandable but very counterproductive. Initiating a lot makes her acknowledge to herself that she's turning you down. Being pleasant when she turns you down makes her more comfortable about sex generally. When she feels more comfortable saying "no," she'll be more relaxed about sex in general which will make it easier to feel sexy.

5) I began to initiate better. Instead of talking or asking, I just do. She can still say "no" when I'm kissing on her or grabbing her or carrying her to the bedroom, and I'll stop. But acting instead of asking is more likely to make her feel like going along with it.

6) I'm making an effort to make myself more attractive -- going to the gym more, watching what I eat, dressing better, and being higher energy around her. The higher energy part can be tough. You give the best of yourself to the outside world and, when you get home, you just want to power down and decompress. This is normal, but a glazed eyed zombie who grunts and watches the TV for a couple of hours before asking "do you wanna do it?" isn't very sexy.

7) When she suggests she's only up for a quickie, I take the offer in the spirit in which it's given. Rather than being annoyed that she isn't up for sex enough to make a production out of it, I let myself be content to just go at it with her. My habit in earlier years was to go about foreplay in a workmanlike fashion regardless until she got her orgasm. A lot of times she appreciates the effort. But sometimes, that's just more time, energy, and pressure for her. Sometimes she honestly just enjoys me going at her fast and hard, showing my passion for her - even if she isn't necessarily going to get off that night. Me being ok with this too takes a lot of the pressure off and, consequently, makes her want the longer sessions more often.

8) Ignore a lot of what you read on line. So much of what I read when I was fumbling through this issue had to do with things like "choreplay" and date night. There are probably some marriages where doing more dishes or going out more is the key to more and better sex, but they had zero impact on my wife's libido.

Hope some of that helps.

NP DH: I'm trying a similar approach, and it seems to be paying some modest dividends. It's hard not to be both cynical and ambivalent about marriage, though, having been through this type of experience and hearing similar accounts from many other men. Why work so hard to meet someone else's needs, when they so begrudgingly do the minimum possible to meet yours?