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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am on BC long term, and[b] i'm only really horny maybe the 3-4 days before my period[/b].  BC plus the stress of life/work have killed my sex drive.  the good thing (for us) is that his libido is not much better than mine.  not to mention even when we do have sex, [b]somehow we've made it so that most of it depends on me[/b] - it's up to me to turn myself on AND to turn him on, it's up to me to get myself off, etc.  i've suggested we try something different, and i've asked him to come up with something we could try, but so far, nothing.  yet again, it's up to me.  also he cums so quickly these days that it doesn't feel like it's worth it to even bother trying.  for the most part, when he finishes, it's over, and i really don't feel like giving him another BJ to get him hard again.  honestly dildos and my own fingers feel better and more worth the effort on the precious few days that i do genuinely want it.

yeah, it's dysfunctional, but i don't know what to do.  we've fallen into an unfortunate pattern.  i think he's ok with our sex life, but i'm definitely not.  [/quote]

Because my wife was the low drive one, and I: a) didn't want the rejection; and b) didn't want duty sex, I got to where I waited for her to initiate. That was a bad long-term solution. Sex is a use-it or lose-it kind of thing. Within limits, the more you have, the more you'll want. [/quote]

how did you fix it?[/quote]

I'm not sure we've "fixed" it entirely. But things are a lot better. But, off hand, here are some things I've done:

1) I waited until the kids were school age (that may have been too long, but this stuff is less likely to work with, say, newborns screwing up the works).

2) I talked to her about it. But only once or twice and I tried to do it in a non-accusatory, non-bitchy way outside of the bedroom. Making the conversations calm and neutral are less likely to put her on the defensive and, in any case, whining about needing sex is deeply unsexy. That's also why such communication needs to be limited. You need to get the message across that This Is Important, but making her feel pressured for sex or making yourself look desperate for sex (even if you are) will backfire.

3) We got rid of the artificial hormones. Once she realized it was important, she got rid of her hormonal IUD and I got a vasectomy.

4) I began to initiate more and, when she rejects my initiations, do my best to trust her when she tells me that it's not personal, that it's not that she finds me unattractive. Getting pissy when the only person in the world you're allowed to have sex with tells you "no" is understandable but very counterproductive. Initiating a lot makes her acknowledge to herself that she's turning you down. Being pleasant when she turns you down makes her more comfortable about sex generally. When she feels more comfortable saying "no," she'll be more relaxed about sex in general which will make it easier to feel sexy.

5) I began to initiate better. Instead of talking or asking, I just do. She can still say "no" when I'm kissing on her or grabbing her or carrying her to the bedroom, and I'll stop. But acting instead of asking is more likely to make her feel like going along with it.

6) I'm making an effort to make myself more attractive -- going to the gym more, watching what I eat, dressing better, and being higher energy around her. The higher energy part can be tough. You give the best of yourself to the outside world and, when you get home, you just want to power down and decompress. This is normal, but a glazed eyed zombie who grunts and watches the TV for a couple of hours before asking "do you wanna do it?" isn't very sexy.

7) When she suggests she's only up for a quickie, I take the offer in the spirit in which it's given. Rather than being annoyed that she isn't up for sex enough to make a production out of it, I let myself be content to just go at it with her. My habit in earlier years was to go about foreplay in a workmanlike fashion regardless until she got her orgasm. A lot of times she appreciates the effort. But sometimes, that's just more time, energy, and pressure for her. Sometimes she honestly just enjoys me going at her fast and hard, showing my passion for her - even if she isn't necessarily going to get off that night. Me being ok with this too takes a lot of the pressure off and, consequently, makes her want the longer sessions more often.

8) Ignore a lot of what you read on line. So much of what I read when I was fumbling through this issue had to do with things like "choreplay" and date night. There are probably some marriages where doing more dishes or going out more is the key to more and better sex, but they had zero impact on my wife's libido.

Hope some of that helps. [/quote]

thank you for the tips[/quote]

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