Birth Control Lowers Sex Drive??

[Anonymous]

PP, with that attitude.... Everyone thinks they're doing more to meet their partners' needs than their partner is doing to meet theirs. Why would sex be any different? The thing that has worked best for me by far has been to stop worrying about what my husband wasn't doing and just focus on what I wanted to do to make myself happy and know that I'm bringing my A game to the marriage. But that doesn't mean have sex on command. I'm sure your wife could think of a lot of things that you "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" just to scoot by. That doesn't make it true from your perspective.
You sound kind of like a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, with that attitude.... Everyone thinks they're doing more to meet their partners' needs than their partner is doing to meet theirs. Why would sex be any different? The thing that has worked best for me by far has been to stop worrying about what my husband wasn't doing and just focus on what I wanted to do to make myself happy and know that I'm bringing my A game to the marriage. But that doesn't mean have sex on command. I'm sure your wife could think of a lot of things that you "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" just to scoot by. That doesn't make it true from your perspective.
You sound kind of like a teenager.

I'm a bit confused. The implication here is that you think it is immature to be ambivalent about a relationship that is not meeting your core needs. Do you really think that? I find it hard to believe that anyone would think that. I also don't at all think my DW would agree that I "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" in those areas that are of most importance to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, with that attitude.... Everyone thinks they're doing more to meet their partners' needs than their partner is doing to meet theirs. Why would sex be any different? The thing that has worked best for me by far has been to stop worrying about what my husband wasn't doing and just focus on what I wanted to do to make myself happy and know that I'm bringing my A game to the marriage. But that doesn't mean have sex on command. I'm sure your wife could think of a lot of things that you "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" just to scoot by. That doesn't make it true from your perspective.
You sound kind of like a teenager.

I'm a bit confused. The implication here is that you think it is immature to be ambivalent about a relationship that is not meeting your core needs. Do you really think that? I find it hard to believe that anyone would think that. I also don't at all think my DW would agree that I "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" in those areas that are of most importance to her.

Of course you don't think that. That was the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP DH: I'm trying a similar approach, and it seems to be paying some modest dividends. It's hard not to be both cynical and ambivalent about marriage, though, having been through this type of experience and hearing similar accounts from many other men. Why work so hard to meet someone else's needs, when they so begrudgingly do the minimum possible to meet yours?

It's definitely hard. And, if you work long enough and hard enough, maybe you get to the point where you have to call it quits. But, these things tend to involve feedback loops and, if you're in a bad one, someone has to break the cycle and try to start a better one. And, if you're going to stay in the marriage, what are your options really? Improve yourself and maybe improve your marriage in the process. Or stay the same, watch your marriage deteriorate, and get more and more pissed as the months and years go by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a bit confused. The implication here is that you think it is immature to be ambivalent about a relationship that is not meeting your core needs. Do you really think that? I find it hard to believe that anyone would think that. I also don't at all think my DW would agree that I "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" in those areas that are of most importance to her.

Of course you don't think that. That was the point.

No, the point is that DW is blaming low sex drive on BC. Of course the hormones in BC can lower sex drive. But from a guy's perspective, it sucks when the DW doesn't try harder even though her sex drive is impacted by BC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP DH: I'm trying a similar approach, and it seems to be paying some modest dividends. It's hard not to be both cynical and ambivalent about marriage, though, having been through this type of experience and hearing similar accounts from many other men. Why work so hard to meet someone else's needs, when they so begrudgingly do the minimum possible to meet yours?

It's definitely hard. And, if you work long enough and hard enough, maybe you get to the point where you have to call it quits. But, these things tend to involve feedback loops and, if you're in a bad one, someone has to break the cycle and try to start a better one. And, if you're going to stay in the marriage, what are your options really? Improve yourself and maybe improve your marriage in the process. Or stay the same, watch your marriage deteriorate, and get more and more pissed as the months and years go by.

Oh, I agree with all that. You do your best and work hard to drive change, and see what happens. I was just making the point that there comes a time where the need to make that type of effort, especially if it is ultimately unreciprocated, necessarily affects how one feels about the relationship. If it is that hard and that much work to get someone to be sexually interested, for example, maybe they weren't the right person in the first place and it is better just to accept that fact and deal with it, rather than live in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a bit confused. The implication here is that you think it is immature to be ambivalent about a relationship that is not meeting your core needs. Do you really think that? I find it hard to believe that anyone would think that. I also don't at all think my DW would agree that I "begrudgingly do the minimum possible" in those areas that are of most importance to her.

Of course you don't think that. That was the point.

No, the point is that DW is blaming low sex drive on BC. Of course the hormones in BC can lower sex drive. But from a guy's perspective, it sucks when the DW doesn't try harder even though her sex drive is impacted by BC.

Did you get a vasectomy? I've lost track with all the responses.