Reply to Birth Control Lowers Sex Drive??

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]douchy PP here-

Funny how some women have jumped to the conclusion that men want "bjs on command".  That's not it.  At all.  Not even close.  If it was, men would command a bj every day.  However, it seems that the women who have outrage about men wanting a bj from their wife are also okay with the other extreme- the wife refusing any intimacy because they aren't 100% in the mood at the beginning.

It seems that women expect men to understand that men and women are different biologically and emotionally.  But women don't seem to be okay with that concept.  The answer pushed by many here is that the woman's level of desire is the deciding factor, as though sex with their husband is a chore for them and most often, the last one they feel compelled to do.  I'm not sure why it is a bad thing for a husband to want to be intimate with his wife.

As others have said, it isn't just about the physical release.  That's a big part of it, sure.  But for many men, myself included, it is about emotional and physical connection with my wife as well.  And for women to say "just use your hand" is offensive and obtuse.  Living in a sexless marriage is something too many women (and some men) seem to be okay with.  [b]Was my comment doucy?  Sure. [/b] But it is on-par with women who ignore a core need of their husbands and think jacking off is an adequate replacement.

The issues in my marriage go beyond BC.  I had a vasectomy and my wife is on no BC.  We've talked about my needs and her needs.  I feel like I have tried- many times over many months- to do what she has asked to rekindle her desire.  But I feel that my wife has not held up her end.  And when I try to initiate physical contact I am rejected most of the time.  This says nothing about all the times I would love to be intimate and don't initiate anything because she's dropped pre-emptive hints about fatigue, headaches, and whatever else life has thrown that pushes intimacy to the bottom of her "chore list".  Therefore- I'm angry and resentful about this topic.  It really sucks to be rejected by my wife for months at a time.

But my question still remains- if a wife thinks that sex once a &lt;insert timeframe here&gt; is sufficient and the husband would like to have sex [i]with his wife[/i] more often, is it too much to ask for her to consider [i]his[/i] emotional and physical needs by having sex, even just oral, even though she may not be "in the mood"?  I'm willing to bet that most women don't even consider giving a bj out of the blue just because he would love it.

If your needs trump his and you think he should just rub one out, I think you are a much bigger douche than the man who longs for intimacy with his wife.[/quote]

So just don't be a douche and maybe you're going to get better, non-douchey responses. If you bait, people will take it.
I'll answer you from the most honest place I can, because I think your comments deserve a true response. I can only talk from my own experience. I don't know you, your wife, or anything else. In my opinion, men act like hormones don't really exist. Men act like the effect that hormones have on women is a joke and an excuse that women hang onto. Most women, if they are in love with their husbands, want to be intimate. But there are biological factors at play that result from either having children or aging or both that men simply don't experience. It's grossly unfair of men to expect women to navigate all of the changes that their bodies are going through and have to satisfy their husbands when sometimes, these hormones make you feel like the most undesirable, unsexy, unfeeling human being on the planet. Hear me PP - it doesn't matter what you tell her. There are times her body is telling her something completely different. For me, there are days I feel trapped inside my body, which is changing from day to day it seems as I move into pre-menopause. It's a scary time. After having kids, I felt the same way, like my body didn't belong to me anymore. It's hormones, and they're real. After having kids, I loved that my body created these amazing human beings, but I hated my body for betraying me when I wanted to be intimate with my husband. It failed me. Time and time again. So I'm supposed to take all of these feelings and reality of my body morphing into who knows what on any given day, and just suck it up and give a blow job? I really don't think so.
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Well said by both PPs. I'm a guy, so I identify with the first post much more strongly than the second. But, intellectually, I recognize the truth of the woman's response. For my part, I think I was *too* understanding. For the longest time, I didn't complain, I didn't prod, I understood that pregnancy, babies, and toddlers just took their toll. I tried to just take what I was given and be happy about it. I wasn't always successful, but my wife was honestly surprised when - after our kids hit school age and nothing was getting better - that our sex life (or lack thereof) was a real problem for me. It ultimately led to me getting a vasectomy and her getting her hormonal IUD removed. Things improved somewhat.

But, since I identified our sex life as a problem for me, what has been so important to me is when I see her trying to do something about it. We don't necessarily have to have more sex as a result. When I see her researching libido issues or reading smutty novels to try to rev herself up, it sends a message: "Sex is important to you, so it's important to me, and I'm trying." Getting her IUD removed even though it meant that she'd start having to deal with periods again was also a significant move in my mind. That's her communicating love to me in a way I understand.

What would not be helpful to me is if, after I identified the concern to her, she just shrugged her shoulders, said "hormones" and then made no effort to do anything about it. For my part, I'm trying to hit the gym harder - make myself physically more attractive, trying to dress better, and trying to be more assertive and exciting in my initiations. (Picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom instead of "wanna do it?") And, finally, just not being passive-agressive and pissy when she does turn me down. (This is easier as she rejects me less.)

Maybe sex itself isn't always going to be an option, but I think everyone wins when both spouses can see the other one making their sexual needs a priority.

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