Are you friends with your mother?
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Anonymous
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I've heard the mother-daughter relationship is a complex one. I can totally understand how responses are all over the chart. I always say that some mothers are not meant to be mothers, and it sounds like some of you have a mother like that.
I'm close with my mom, talk every other day and pretty much talk about everything. Out of me and my 3 sisters, I have the closest relationship with her (maybe since I'm the youngest and she softened up ?). She wasn't the greatest mom growing up and even today can be an embarrassment X100. But I've also come to grips that her childhood was not ideal and that shaped who she is. I have a DD and would love to predict a close relationship into adulthood but she's a preschooler and I know things can change. You can only do what's in your control and be at peace with your own situation. |
Anonymous
This is exactly how I feel about my mom. Right down to getting a call from her over the weekend and avoiding returning it. Every time I think about returning her call, I get annoyed because I can already picture the conversation we'll have. I'm 8 weeks pregnant with my third, and I want to put off telling my parents as long as possible. Problem is that my younger sister took a positive test yesterday and immediately told everyone in the family. I know she is going to be mad that I'm also pregnant ("you already have two! Isn't that enough? I hope you don't expect me to come out and help again like I did last time because I cannot do that again. I cannot.") but she'll be equally mad that I kept it a secret while my sister spilled her news five minutes after her BFP. Can't win so I've stopped trying. I have two boys and am hoping the third is also a boy because I'm worried about having a similar relationship with a daughter, just because I don't know what it's like to have a healthy mother-daughter relationship (though my mom and sister are very close). |
Anonymous
+1. I guess, we're lucky, PP. |
Anonymous
i am the +1 PP. i am 40 years old, my mom is 65. she is a really positive, warm person but she has no boundaries and wants to control my life and my relationships. also, anything i share with her is fair game for her to repeat to all of her friends and neighbors. she has always been like that. thus, i cannot trust her to 1) keep her mouth shut as i tend to be private about my life, and 2) keep out of my relationships with people we have in common. also, growing up my dad was a royal asshole and treated me like crap. my mom never stood up for me and let him get away with it but tried to compensate by being "attentive" (read: controlling). so, friendly acquaintances it is. |
Anonymous
PP here again. ok, maybe my mom wasn't a "great" mom, but i do believe that she did the best she could. but i am still left with how it affects me. |
Anonymous
| Very close with my mom. One of my best friends. She doesn't judge, let's me make my own decisions and mistakes, and I can confide in her. My grandma is my heart too and we're close but she is more high strung and meddling. They are close too but my mom says she gives me space because of how my grandmother was. |
Anonymous
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This is the OP. Just wanted to say thanks so much for all the responses. Reading what others have to say has really helped me crystallize my thoughts.
To clarify, I'm not angry at my mother. All things considered, she was a pretty good and nurturing mom, but as I think more and more about it I'm realizing that our lives have just been very different. She was raised in an ultra-conservative religious environment (think only a step or two removed from the Amish) and as a result, we just don't have much in common. I got used to hiding things from her as a teenager/young adult because I knew she wouldn't understand or approve (even if she didn't say it in so many words) and, to some extent, I'm still doing the same thing. We just come from different worlds, and that's OK. |
Anonymous
| Nope, she died 20 years ago. We fought a lot when I was a teenager and we were repairing our relationship. Since I've become a parent myself, I realize just what a great mom she was. While I don't harbor regrets, I am sad and miss her. |
Anonymous
Why does it scare you? You can have a fantastic life without a very close relationship with your child. And your child can grow up to be an adult who has a fantastic fulfilling life without a very close relationship with mom / dad. As an adult, there are many ways we assess what makes a good friend and who we want as friends, and especially close friends. In my life I have other people who better meet those criteria ahead of my mother. She will always be my mother, I love her as my mother but she isn't a 'close friend'. She is in my life as my mother but not as a close friend. |
Anonymous
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I live across the country from my mom, but definitely think of her as a friend. We had some rough times when I was younger, in part because our personalities are SO different, but she's an awesome and admirable woman, supportive of me and my goals, and a lot of fun to spend time with!
When I was younger, she would say, "I'm your mother, not your friend," which annoyed me, but I think she had it right. She did what she thought was best for me, even if I didn't "like" her for it--she was always the adult and someone I could rely on, and it made me feel safe. She never dumped her personal stuff on me when I was too young to handle it. She never tried to live her life through me--no micromanaging the wedding, no pushing me into a certain career, etc. I think it also helped that she always acknowledged my gifts, which were different than hers--she made it clear when she was proud of me and admired me, but I never felt like she only loved me because of my accomplishments. That infrastructure of love and respect meant that after the rough teenage years passed, we had a foundation to build on. Now that we're both adults, we talk about problems, she's a loving grandmother to my daughter, and we have a great relationship. I really hope that my daughter and I have one as good. |
Anonymous
| I used to be close to my mother but looking back now, I did not really focus on her as a person but more as my parent. When I became a mother, I realized how inept my mother was a childrearing and left it mostly to my grandmother. I use to wonder why she was so awkward around my kids when they were younger but I know now it was because she did not really spend time with my brother and I. It is disappointing to me that she is not emotionally available to my children but I think it is just the person that she is and I cannot change her. She is my mother but I would not consider her a friend. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I am friends with my mother. We're different in many ways, and we don't share everything, but we talk every morning on my way into work and stay well-connected even though we are geographically apart. My relationship with my mother helps me be my better self...Mom is softer and kinder than I am, and just by being who she is, she helps me take the edge off of my stressed out, slightly anxious, Type A self. And she is an great grandmother. I am lucky to have her. |
Anonymous
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Nope nope nope. I'm 35 and my mom is 70. She's always been hyper critical, which meant I could never confide in her when I was a kid. As an adult, I still can't talk to her about non-trivial things because I don't want a lecture about how everything I do is wrong. She definitely still sees me as a child and feels the need to "parent" me.
After my daughter was born, we had serious argument during which I told her that I was in therapy because of her and she finally admitted that "maybe" she was too critical. We're trying to repair our relationship but I don't think we will ever be friends because she can't see me as an adult. I'll always be a child to her and I think in order for us to be friends that dynamic would have to change and it's not going to happen. |
Anonymous
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I am very close with my mom. We always got along. I think we became truly close when I worked at her job during college summers. It was factory work, and we literally sat facing each other all day while doing monotonous work. Nothing else to do except talk all day.
I often confide in her, but since I've been married, I do find myself protecting her by not telling her the worst things. I think it would hurt her too much. For those posters who don't want to repeat the poor relationship they had with their mothers: I think my mom and are so close because I have always known she is rooting for me. She simply wants the best for me, whatever that is, even if it's not her personal preference for me. And I want the best for her. If I failed a test, or didn't make a team, she didn't criticize. But she would ask me what I needed to do for a better result the next time. And she would ask if I needed her help. But she wouldn't force her help or advice on me. She truly set up a healthy relationship for the two of us. And I am very grateful for that. |