Are you friends with your mother?

[Anonymous]

My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

[Anonymous]

People can change and grow. My mother was terrible (there's no polite way to put it) but like another poster's mom, she went through therapy and changed. We don't talk every day and I wouldn't consider her a "friend," but we talk through the week, and she has a good relationship with my kids.

My points: 1, obviously nobody's perfect; 2, bad parenting is never OK; and 3, the relationship would never have changed until she chose to change herself. If anyone out there has an irresponsible, even negligent, mother, she'll likely become an equally bad or worse grandmother. Beware and protect yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I think every mother thinks they will have a good relationship with their kids when their kids grow up. Many women also feel they will be better mothers than their own mothers but in reality, some will be better, some will be the same and some will be worse. You really don't know how close you will be to your kids once they are adults until you get through the teen years and see how the 18-24 age shakes out. the early twenties is when many young adults are now independent and can step back and look at their families and upbringing and start to deal with any issues they have. If you are still close when your kids hit their mid twenties - you are probably safe to say it looks good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We all think that we are such great parents and hopefully we are better parents than our parents were, but the reality is that our kids will find fault in the things that we do. Times will change, parenting will change, expectations will change and they will indeed judge us. I think it is better to model forgiveness and understanding than hatred and judgment.

+1

Forgiveness so I can move on, YES, but understanding, NEVER. I will never understand a parent who abuses their child and of course they are going to be judged. So, to those who feel negatively towards people who are not friends with their mothers, you have no idea what the circumstances are, so don't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No. I have just seen this situation played out too many time. Thus, I worked to change my relationship with my own mother recognizing that is the "reality" that my kids will see as the way to treat their parents. It really is that simple.

We all think that we are such great parents and hopefully we are better parents than our parents were, but the reality is that our kids will find fault in the things that we do. Times will change, parenting will change, expectations will change and they will indeed judge us. I think it is better to model forgiveness and understanding than hatred and judgment.

Boundaries are not hatred and judgement. They are self-preservation.

[Anonymous]

I am friendly with my mom, but not "friends." She is really a deeply troubled person and through therapy, I have compassion for her. Sadly I can't really let her in to my emotional life as she is not trustworthy. If you had a good parent I would think it would be really hard to imagine just how bad some parents can really be. My mom acts as if we are very close but it's just for show. Bottom line, I am pretty sure she is incapable of loving anyone except in the most transactional, self-centered sense. I have two sons and I have no idea what our relationship will be like when they're adults, I am just doing the best I can right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

+1

Can you pinpoint why you are just "like very friendly acquaintances" instead of close? My mom is close to her mom, I am close to my mom, and it scares me that absent serious misbehavior on my part that my daughters and I still might not be close one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

+1

Can you pinpoint why you are just "like very friendly acquaintances" instead of close? My mom is close to her mom, I am close to my mom, and it scares me that absent serious misbehavior on my part that my daughters and I still might not be close one day.

Not the pp, but I feel the same way. My mom is always super critical and takes all of my decisions personally. He's not a bad mon, but I learned that the best way to avoid her critiscims and ultimate manipulative ways (all well meaning) was to avoid telling her bout what was going on in my life.

[Anonymous]

Another superficial relationship here. I went through some therapy relating to my issues w/my mom. My family is fairly emotionally distant, and I was raised to be very independent. I think confiding in my parents as a kid would have made them uncomfortable. The times recently that I went out on a limb trying to get closer to her (telling her I was in therapy, for example) she told people about it that she had no business telling, so that was the end of that. It's sad, but I think I've finally accepted that she doesn't understand what it means to be a caring, trustworthy friend. We just talk about my son and her social life and things she sees on TV. She rarely asks about me personally and when she does, she doesn't pay attention to my response. I am determined to not repeat this pattens with my kid, but I'm afraid I might since I haven't seen up close what a tight family relationship looks like.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't imagine not being close to my mom! I talk to her everyday! I hope my daughter and I have this kind of relationship when she is older!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

+1

Can you pinpoint why you are just "like very friendly acquaintances" instead of close? My mom is close to her mom, I am close to my mom, and it scares me that absent serious misbehavior on my part that my daughters and I still might not be close one day.

Not the pp, but I feel the same way. My mom is always super critical and takes all of my decisions personally. He's not a bad mon, but I learned that the best way to avoid her critiscims and ultimate manipulative ways (all well meaning) was to avoid telling her bout what was going on in my life.

I feel very much the same way as other PPs. My mom did the best she could raising me and my parents were good parents but over the years, my mother has become very insecure and critical, especially once I had kids. I feel like there are a lot of things that are easier not to tell her because she will either a. find something wrong with how I am doing things or b. take what I have done as a personal slight to her, even when it had nothing to do with her. And I'm not talking about criticizing big decisions--she made a comment the other day on the birthday party theme (a well-known cartoon character) that I selected for my 3-year-old. Another example--she texted me the other day all upset over a comment that I made on Facebook that had NOTHING to do with her. She isn't even on Facebook but read it on my dad's account. Seriously--it's Facebook--who cares!!

But these are the kinds of stupid conversations that I have with her every time I share anything with her so I do tend to hold back a lot or avoid doing or saying things that will get back to her because I don't feel like dealing with her attitude. I feel like I have to constantly tiptoe around her in an attempt to not hurt her feelings because she blows everything out of proportion. She called me last night and I didn't call her back yet because I was sick and fell asleep when the kids went down. I'm avoiding calling her back tonight because I'm sure that it will somehow be turned into an insult against her rather than the simple fact that I wasn't feeling well.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I consider my mom one of my best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a great mom but we aren't close. We are in each others lives and we keep in touch and connect on a superficial level but we aren't 'best friends'! We are like very friendly acquaintances. I don't mind her company. I don't ask her advice, or tell her my problems. I am much closer to my sister than my mother.

I don't think everyone really needs to be close to their mothers. It isn't a slight against my mother. We are two different people and as adults, I just don't really need her in life in a 'deep' way.

+1

Can you pinpoint why you are just "like very friendly acquaintances" instead of close? My mom is close to her mom, I am close to my mom, and it scares me that absent serious misbehavior on my part that my daughters and I still might not be close one day.

NP here. I am not very close to my mom. We probably talk once a week. I feel bad because she was generally a good mom - no abuse; she stayed at home, which gave us a lot of opportunities; and she was encouraging/supportive of all my activities. But I think there are a combination of reasons for our lack of closeness.

I think part of it is that I subconsciously blame her for my parents' divorce. I think I resent her for wanting to end the marriage and it has resulted in a less than perfect relationship. (Therapy could maybe help with that part of things.)

She was also a very over-protective mom and that always caused fights. Some of her rules created embarassing situations and that was hard for me as a young kid.

Another part of it is that we don't have a lot in common. She doesn't understand a lot that I'm going through because our life experiences have been very different. Our political views are also different and that leads to tension.

Finally, she raised me to be a strong, independent woman and now part of my independence is that I don't need my mom to help me through every little thing. It also bothers me that I feel as though she is judging my decision to WOH. She'll say little things to make me feel guilty, implying that I'm not doing what's best for my child. She also questions our childcare arrangements. Yet she was so proud of me getting an advance degree and for supporting myself before (and after) I got married.

But now that we have a DD, I'm very excited for her to be a grandmother. I know she loves spending time with our DD and it makes me very happy to see them having fun and growing close. I get excited for my mom to visit because I love seeing that relationship grow. Unfortunately, this has not been enough to bring my mom and I any closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wish that I could be. I talk with her regularly but she doesn't have the emotional capacity for a deep relationship. It's scary how I see myself repeating the same negative cycles she has fallen into.

Somewhat similar with me too. My mom never took much interest in me as a person, though would complain about me being standoffish as a teen. Thats because I could never talk to her about anything! I have tried many times to get to know her as an adult, but she will just not let me in. Despite our relationship, I do know my mom is there for me if I need her.

What's funny is that my mom is an excellent grandmother. So affectionate and nurturing to DC. I was close to my grandmother, and I noticed she and my mom never seemed close...I'm determined to break the cycle.