Are you friends with your mother?

[Anonymous]

OP, no. My mom is jealous of me. Would never happen.

[Anonymous]

Friends with my mother? Are you kidding me. The only time she has treated me really nice was when I gave her gifts or money or when she's expecting something in return. I would not call her in emergencies unless I had absolutely no one else.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I were extremely close. We talked every day and absolutely loved spending time together. Sure, she bugged me about little things sometimes ("You need a haircut!" "Are you wearing that?") but we were such great friends and I relied on her advice and opinions in all areas. She died this year and I miss her like crazy. I would give anything to hear her voice or her laugh or be able to call her up and tell her a good story about my day.

[Anonymous]

I was- she was awesome. She passed away about 2 years ago and I miss her every day.

[Anonymous]

no my mom is mentally ill and i never bonded with her. the entire mother daughter thing is completely alien to me.

except now i have a daughter - talk about a new experience!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of the women I know have the kind of close relationship with their mothers where they talk all the time and tell each other everything. I love my mom, respect her, and think she was a great mother, but she is not my friend. We talk no more than once every 2-3 weeks and see each other face to face maybe 2-3 times a year (my parents live 500+ miles away). When we do talk, it's generally about superficial things and I don't confide in her. For example, my husband and I went through many years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF, but my mother has no idea. To be honest, I don't look forward to our conversations--maybe because they make me I feel like I'm 13 years old again, although I couldn't say why I feel this way. She's a pretty reserved person (I am too) and religious (I am not) but I'm not sure how much that has to do with the problem.

Does anyone else feel this way about their mom? Any theories about why you aren't close? If you and your mom do have a close relationship, were you always this way? At this point, there's probably not much I can do about the relationship with my own mother but quite frankly, I'm terrified that I'll end up having the same issues with my daughter.

OP - I am an only child and I also am not close with my mom. My parents live 6 hours away and also do not know that I'm going through IVF. We clashed when I was a teen, but was a decent mom. I don't dislike her, I'm just very indifferent. I have nothing to talk to her about and all she does when I call is complain anyway. My parents have called me maybe 6 times in the 17 years I've been out of their home - so having a close relationship goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

This thread is eye opening. My mother died of cancer when I was in my early teens and I've missed having a mother/daughter relationship ever since. Even now, with a daughter who is the same age I was when I lost my mom, I mourn not having her in my life every day. Reading people's responses, I see that I've definitely idealized what it would have been like if she'd lived into my adulthood. She might have been a close friend, but then again maybe not. I guess I'll always wonder though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is eye opening. My mother died of cancer when I was in my early teens and I've missed having a mother/daughter relationship ever since. Even now, with a daughter who is the same age I was when I lost my mom, I mourn not having her in my life every day. Reading people's responses, I see that I've definitely idealized what it would have been like if she'd lived into my adulthood. She might have been a close friend, but then again maybe not. I guess I'll always wonder though.

First, so sorry for your loss. My mother died of cancer when I was 25. We were very close. But I do also wonder if I idealize what it would have been like had she lived a full life. I do know she would be the BEST grandmother to my daughter, who was born 13 years after she died. Would she have been helpful during my marital problems? Oy- shew would have wanted to be, but they would have been out of her league.

Please do not let what you read here, however, taint your mourning in any way. You are mourning not an ideal but what never was. What you never had a chance to experience. I find that having my daughter, now seven, allows me to reconnect with my mother in a certain way. I have changed much since she died. Yet I continue to "relate" to her, partly from the heart, and partly from a kind of speculative "what if".

Your mother was definitely robbed of having you in HER life. And of everything she could have had. I remember my mother saying "You lose only me, but I lose everything." Its just such a shame it happned like it did. Im sorry you lost your mom in such a formative time in your life.

Enjoy your daughter and talk to her about your mom, what you can remember. I think it will center your mourning away from hypotheticals and to a place that is real for you.

You might also want to check out "Motherless Daughters". Its too much for me personally and I just fall apart when I read anything in it, but other people in your situation have described it as very useful in dealing with those unresolved issues. So many go through it.


*********


OP- sorry for the sidebar on your thread. I agree with posters who say that you can have the relationship you want with your daughter. My mother was not a big hugger, and frankly I never thought this was an issue, but towards the end of her life she started saying things like "I should have hugged you more when you were little". I was like "What are you talking about??? I never felt underhugged! ". But she was convinced of this for whatever reason. My daughter is a big hugger and we hug all the time. It was just how it always was. WE are close in a way that is different than I was with my mother. Its really an honor, to be able to get to know a person this way. Take a chance and just tell your daughter something sincere and lovey dovey- she might love it! She also might be like MOM!

My mother in turn had a terrible relationship with her mother. She told me that as a little girl she used to go pick her flowers in the fields and bring them home to her and her mom wouldnt appreciate it at all. Their whole relationship was one in which my mom brought sincere love and it was rejected whle other sisters were favored and fawned over. Its sad, really. i think she never got over it. She was close with her dad, who died tragically, and her oldest sister, who also died tragically.

Good Grief- sorry for the big downer! Back to the good stuff: You can co-create your relationship with your daughter. Use your fears to do exactly the things you fear you wont do. You do only get this once chance, so make it what you want, to the best of your abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was- she was awesome. She passed away about 2 years ago and I miss her every day.

Its been 20 years for me and I feel the same. Big hug to you- I know how you feel. It does get "better" in that it becomes part of you. Cant explain how. It took me a very long time. I hope you get there sooner than I did.

[Anonymous]

My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

[Anonymous]

No, and I just want to add that it doesn't change my ability to bond with either my husband or my kids. Whoever created that myth was dead wrong.

[Anonymous]

No, not friends with her nor are we close. She's not evil or anything, but I don't particularly like her personality and she's done some pretty rotten things in the past that she's never acknowledged. It's kind of a chore to talk to her. I just try to keep the banter light and superficial and I don't share anything personal about my life. I'm not the only one who feels this way about her (my siblings, DH, and friends who know her have similar opinions.) If she weren't my mother I wouldn't seek her out to be a friend, so it's hard for me to feel much sadness about our lack of closeness.

But I do consider my MIL to be a friend, and our relationship is something I cherish.

[Anonymous]

On vacation with her now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother makes my skin crawl. I try my best to hide it, but I can't stand to be around her.

Same here. I feel physically ill when I see her name on the caller ID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was- she was awesome. She passed away about 2 years ago and I miss her every day.

Its been 20 years for me and I feel the same. Big hug to you- I know how you feel. It does get "better" in that it becomes part of you. Cant explain how. It took me a very long time. I hope you get there sooner than I did.

My grandmother passed away a few months ago and my mom has been crying to me more often than ever. She said they weren't close but that her mother passing away make her very very sad...and she misses her a lot.