Today I forgave my husband for cheating on me...AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never take a cheating man back no matter what especially after my parents situation. My father cheated on my mom when we were in elementary school. She stayed, he cheated on her again when we were in college and gave her an incurable STD. I honestly believe he never stopped cheating on her the entire time, but just got good at hiding it.

It's a real gamble to be with a man when you can't trust where and who his stick has been in.

Well yes. OP has decided she is willing to stay

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you forgave him, don't bring it up again without reason. Or it just tells him you didn't forgive him.

TBH, I would have divorced him, but anyway, if you want to stay together, don't hold it over his head. Give him the chance to rebuild your trust.

OP here, that ^ was me too. I don't bring it up at liberty - I'm not that kind of person. But you are right - rubbing it in someone's face just isn't very productive.

Sleeping with someone else isn't productive either, but that's the kind of person your husband is.

Why do you insist on being so rude about someone else's situation? You're not changing anyone else's mind.

What is rude about the truth?

Rude is posting one-liners attempting to make the OP and anyone else who disagrees with you feel like they're wrong.

She is wrong, and maybe the next time he does it, she'll realize.

NP. There is no absolute right or wrong here, and you seem to be the only person in this thread who doesn't recognize that. OP is a grown woman who has spent the last 11 months analyzing her life and hurting over this affair. Do you really think she hasn't considered this situation from every angle? She is making the decision she has determined to be the best one for her, her life and her family. Working through this with her husband and maintaining her marriage is what's "right" for her. And if she'd decided to divorce, it would be because she had determined that was "right" for her. Amazing that you can sit in front of a computer and read snippets of a woman's life and decide you know with absolute certainty that "she is wrong" on such a nuanced issue. Humans are fallible, and human relationships are complex. Absolutes seldom apply.

My husband cheated on me (once) when we were engaged. I didn't catch him; he confessed it to me in tears the following night. We went to a therapist together, and at our first session I told her I wasn't sure if I should break off our engagement. She asked me how I would handle it if we were already married, and with that one question I knew immediately that I would try to work through it with him. He agreed to every demand and met my every need in the time it took for me to get past his cheating, including my refusal to have sex with him again until *I* felt ready, whenever that might be. And in return I pledged to not bring it up or hold it over him once I had gotten past the initial hurt and shock. And, I decided I'd never discuss it with anyone beyond my husband, our therapist, and the therapist I saw on my own; telling friends or family would have only done more damage. More than 10 years later, now, we are happily married, we have a perfect child together, and he has never cheated again. I am 100% certain I made the right decision for my life.

OP, I am glad you feel you've turned a corner; it must be a relief just having decided for sure what you plan to do. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

I guess good that you're in a good place? I personally wouldn't take my husband back after he put his dick in another woman. In order for me to respect myself and my marriage, he would have to do the same and cheating isn't respecting marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a shame that when a woman stands up for herself as a strong and independent woman, she is criticized for her actions and/or beliefs. For someone to say a woman is not into commitment just because she doesn't think it is right to stick by a guy who cheated on her is just wrong. Wrong!!

In this society it is always okay for the man to be independent, strong-willed as well as outspoken. He is regarded as a confident and strong man.

Yet if a woman acts in such a manner, she is torn to shreds.

Not fair.

So what if a woman thinks it is unacceptable to stand by a man who cheated on her? I say, more power to her. Good for her.
Having this belief does not mean she is not fully committed to her family and doesn't truly have the maturity to understand how a real relationship works.

Once a man cheats on a woman, the dynamics change big time. It is completely unfair to expect a woman to just adapt to the new dynamics just because she has a child and should put her feelings aside and look out for the child's best interest.

When OP's husband cheated on her, he also cheated his child out on a loving and stable family.

Why can't anyone see this??!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I feel like this thread is being sock puppeted by a person against reconciliation that enjoys the bold, italic and underline features.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a shame that when a woman stands up for herself as a strong and independent woman, she is criticized for her actions and/or beliefs. For someone to say a woman is not into commitment just because she doesn't think it is right to stick by a guy who cheated on her is just wrong. Wrong!!

In this society it is always okay for the man to be independent, strong-willed as well as outspoken. He is regarded as a confident and strong man.

Yet if a woman acts in such a manner, she is torn to shreds.

Not fair.

So what if a woman thinks it is unacceptable to stand by a man who cheated on her? I say, more power to her. Good for her.
Having this belief does not mean she is not fully committed to her family and doesn't truly have the maturity to understand how a real relationship works.

Once a man cheats on a woman, the dynamics change big time. It is completely unfair to expect a woman to just adapt to the new dynamics just because she has a child and should put her feelings aside and look out for the child's best interest.

When OP's husband cheated on her, he also cheated his child out on a loving and stable family.

Why can't anyone see this??!!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once a man cheats on a woman, the dynamics change big time. It is completely unfair to expect a woman to just adapt to the new dynamics just because she has a child and should put her feelings aside and look out for the child's best interest.

When OP's husband cheated on her, he also cheated his child out on a loving and stable family.

Why can't anyone see this??!!

This. If you started a thread about children that dealt with parent infidelity you would see there is still a lot of hurt years later and how it has impacted the relationships the kids have with the parents as well as in their own romantic relationships. For myself, I would say 100% I would not stay in a marriage for the kids because I've lived thru the impact of parents that stayed together for the kids.

If you stay, you stay because you both are completely committed to the marriage and fixing what went wrong. Personally, it would be hard for me to re-build trust. I would want to separate and then both of us take time to consider if we really want to get back together.

Some of the questions I would think about~
Would I even consider getting back together if we didn't have kids?
How would he have reacted if I had the affair, would he be willing to work it out or would it have been a whole nother ball game?
Did he tell me or did I find out? If he was either too scared or willing to take chances until he was caught, then it would be really hard to trust him.
What advice would he give his daughter if something similar happened to her?
Was he having unprotected sex and could he have passed on an STD?
What would he do/have done if the other woman had gotten pregnant? We all know birth control is not 100% effective ...and there have been surprise babies even when guys have a vasectomy.
If the affair was some part of a bigger communication issue I.e. he felt shut out so he did x, do I have to worry next time a big issue comes up he will do it again? Part of choosing to get married for me meant that I believe we can work through issues together. If either of us stops communicating and start turning to other people, then a foundation for me has shifted. We could have lived together and not gotten married. We could have been madly and love but realized long term this wasn't someone I could be married to because we argued all the time, didnt communicate about the big things, one person was too dominant, the other not standing up enough, we fought dirty (verbally hitting below the belt), we didnt value the same things etc. There are lots or reasons why someone may not have been right for marriage so I would re-examine if my DH was really still right for me. Did I change, did he change, were signs there all along that I ignored, was I trying to make something fit because I wanted the white picket fence etc and is there maybe someone else out there that might be better for me?

So bottom line is I would not say never, BUT, It would be like dating all over again that we would both have a decision to make and having children together wouldn't sway me either way. He would need to be a father to our child whether we are together or not and we need to work out co-parenting whether we stay together or not.

[Anonymous]

I agree this thread seems to have been hijacked by someone who has something against reconciliation. Personally, I don't know that I could move beyond infidelity because of issues I brought to my marriage but as I've matured and gained more life experience, I know the issue isn't so black and white. I know that I'd need a lot of counseling to make a good decision.

I applaud you, OP, for going through all the hard, painful work needed to get to this point you could make that decision - a decision that is best for you. I wish you many years of a happy, companionable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Since this is an AMA thread, what were the details of his cheating?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm judging you for forgiving him, but I do think you should be prepared for this to happen again. I am the OW in a relationship and know for a fact that I am not the first one. I just think that once a person opens themselves up to cheating, then resisting temptation gets harder and harder. Good luck regardless; I hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm judging you for forgiving him, but I do think you should be prepared for this to happen again. I am the OW in a relationship and know for a fact that I am not the first one. I just think that once a person opens themselves up to cheating, then resisting temptation gets harder and harder. Good luck regardless; I hope it works out for you.

PP here: I'm NOT judging you. Geez!

[Anonymous]

How did you find out he was cheating? Where did it happen and how long did it go on? Have you confronted the OW? Did you tell anyone other than the therapist? How has this changed your DH's relationship with your family? What makes you think your DH wouldn't do this again. If he did cheat again, would you regret not divorcing him now? If he cheated again do you think your relationship could survive it?

[Anonymous]

So did he get a BJ yet from another girl? Just Che king.

[Anonymous]

OP - Will you forgive him next time?

[Anonymous]

OP Good for you for staying and working on your marriage.

Bad for you for not getting out while you are young and have a chance of a good marriage with a good man. When his cumulative cheating coincides with your last child's graduation from high school, be prepared to have him divorce you.

Then what will you do?