Today I forgave my husband for cheating on me...AMA

[Anonymous]

Today is the day I got over it all. It's been 11 months since D-day. Meaning the day I found out.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP! That's HUGE! I hope both of you keep working at whatever progress you've made.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! Enjoy your life now.

Any guidance on what you did to get over it?

[Anonymous]

You're one hell of a woman. I personally would hate my husband and divorce his sorry ass.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's totally weird! WTF? Who am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you! Enjoy your life now.

Any guidance on what you did to get over it?

I seriously just took my damn time to do what I wanted and he complied // begrudgingly but I wore him down. We have a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Eek OP!! I may be in the minority here, but I cannot fathom why a woman would stay w/a man who penetrated another woman. I could never EVER forgive someone who would erode my trust in him on a whim like that. Basically you are now going to have her sloppy seconds as well. Yuck!!

I am sorry if I sound harsh and/or judgmental, but as women, we need to be strong and stand against men who disrespect us like this. If a man was ever untrue to me, he would be history. I wouldn't take him back at all. I have too much love + respect for myself to live my life settling for less than I deserve.

OP, please re-consider what you are doing.
Have you really forgiven him?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes. I have. I think once you have kids it's different. I almost left him but decided to really try to salvage what we had so I could see my little angel every day of my life.

[Anonymous]

PP, you sound very young. Why is someone weak for forgiving a spouse? A person can still have self-respect. Everything isn't as simple as "Well, I'll divorce him." They have a child. Do you? That changes everything.

Forgiveness does not mean that you tell the person that it was okay for cheating on you. I've watched my sister and her husband go through hell to move past his infidelity. They have been going through extensive therapy. Was he a jerk for cheating on her? Absolutely. I am the first person to tell you what an absolute jackass he was for what he did. And with time and hard work on BOTH their parts, it turns out the infidelity was a symptom of some pretty significant issues with my BIL that he is now addressing.

My sister is one of the strongest people you will ever meet. She has a son who needs both a strong mother AND father. With a great deal of work, he will have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you sound very young. Why is someone weak for forgiving a spouse? A person can still have self-respect. Everything isn't as simple as "Well, I'll divorce him." They have a child. Do you? That changes everything.

Forgiveness does not mean that you tell the person that it was okay for cheating on you. I've watched my sister and her husband go through hell to move past his infidelity. They have been going through extensive therapy. Was he a jerk for cheating on her? Absolutely. I am the first person to tell you what an absolute jackass he was for what he did. And with time and hard work on BOTH their parts, it turns out the infidelity was a symptom of some pretty significant issues with my BIL that he is now addressing.

My sister is one of the strongest people you will ever meet. She has a son who needs both a strong mother AND father. With a great deal of work, he will have both.

+1. in my 20s i could not imagine keeping a man who cheated on me. now at 40 with a DH and two young kids, i could not imagine NOT trying to salvage my marriage after a partner cheats. and once i caught myself fantasizing about cheating (never, ever acted on it) i totally get how it happens and it is not necessarily a deal breaker for me.

congratulations, OP!!! wishing you peace as you and DH move forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eek OP!! I may be in the minority here, but I cannot fathom why a woman would stay w/a man who penetrated another woman. I could never EVER forgive someone who would erode my trust in him on a whim like that. Basically you are now going to have her sloppy seconds as well. Yuck!!

I am sorry if I sound harsh and/or judgmental, but as women, we need to be strong and stand against men who disrespect us like this. If a man was ever untrue to me, he would be history. I wouldn't take him back at all. I have too much love + respect for myself to live my life settling for less than I deserve.

OP, please re-consider what you are doing.
Have you really forgiven him?

How long have you been married and do you have children? Your reply is pretty naive about the reality of infidelity and the nature of long term commitment.

[Anonymous]

How do you know that you've forgiven him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you sound very young. Why is someone weak for forgiving a spouse? A person can still have self-respect. Everything isn't as simple as "Well, I'll divorce him." They have a child. Do you? That changes everything.

Forgiveness does not mean that you tell the person that it was okay for cheating on you. I've watched my sister and her husband go through hell to move past his infidelity. They have been going through extensive therapy. Was he a jerk for cheating on her? Absolutely. I am the first person to tell you what an absolute jackass he was for what he did. And with time and hard work on BOTH their parts, it turns out the infidelity was a symptom of some pretty significant issues with my BIL that he is now addressing.

My sister is one of the strongest people you will ever meet. She has a son who needs both a strong mother AND father. With a great deal of work, he will have both.

My first thought as well. She is speaking from the perspective of an ideal world, not a real one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're one hell of a woman. I personally would hate my husband and divorce his sorry ass.

+100.
I divorced his sorry ass and took our 10-month old with me.We are divorced now and share custody 45/55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you sound very young. Why is someone weak for forgiving a spouse? A person can still have self-respect. Everything isn't as simple as "Well, I'll divorce him." They have a child. Do you? That changes everything.

Forgiveness does not mean that you tell the person that it was okay for cheating on you. I've watched my sister and her husband go through hell to move past his infidelity. They have been going through extensive therapy. Was he a jerk for cheating on her? Absolutely. I am the first person to tell you what an absolute jackass he was for what he did. And with time and hard work on BOTH their parts, it turns out the infidelity was a symptom of some pretty significant issues with my BIL that he is now addressing.

My sister is one of the strongest people you will ever meet. She has a son who needs both a strong mother AND father. With a great deal of work, he will have both.

Thank you for this. I am also several months past finding out about my husband's affair and we are working on things, and our marriage is getting stronger and better. It takes so much strength to stay - for us both frankly - it would be easier for my husband to have left as well and tried to find another woman he didn't have this baggage with. We have two small children and a long history, and he has been amazing not just with me and our marriage, but in repairing the relationship with his father, a more attentive, better father, a better man.

Affairs are often about escape and avoiding dealing with reality, and the hard things you need to face about yourself, and in their wake, if both people are willing, you can come out stronger and learn what real intimacy and love is.

My only advice for OP is, to not be hard on yourself if you have days where you will regress. But I can relate to your feeling...there are definitely moments of clarity where you know you have turned a corner and made progress. The affair will always be there, it will always be unfair and horrible, but you can move on and let go.