VENT ALERT: Is anyone THIS different from their in-laws.
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Anonymous
| Lol, I'm very different from my inlaws. the contents of their fridge is certainly different than mine, but never once have I thought "well good grief she has a lot of mustard in her fridge, I guess we just cannot get along! How could I have married into a family who gives their kids JUICE?" You are letting some really petty things bother you greatly! |
Anonymous
Film "Ordinary People". 
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Anonymous
This is why you sound kind of like a bitch OP. I've never noticed how many containers of mustard are in someone's fridge. And I'd never use it as a negative reason why someone is different than me! Look at your lists of what your SIL does "wrong/different" than you and imagine it was her posting these things. With the same tone as you. Imagine her saying "It would drive me CRAZY to be so rigid my kids have to be in bed by 8:30 every night. I can't imagine living like that!!" If you can honestly say that you would be fine if your SIL posted almost the exact same post but reflected negatively on you and that it wouldn't bother you...then perhaps you weren't being judgy. |
Anonymous
| OP, take advantage of the MIL who babysits like your SIL does and go out once in awhile! Maybe you just need to relax and unwind a bit and then these differences will really seem very silly and trivial, which they are. There's also no law that says you have to love your inlaws. Just keep being polite if you don't feel you have anything in common with her, get some like-minded friends of your own, and stop worrying over how she lives her life. |
Anonymous
| Holy shit, OP. If you were my sister-in-law, I'd want to spit on you too! |
Anonymous
| I bet OP does not have many friends. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am only saying this cause you asked:
Your post reads like "SIL does this bad, I do it well." x10. It makes you sound harpy and judgy and self-important and superior minded. You state several times that you aren't judging but come on, you can read, you totally are judging her because she (GASP!) gives her kids lotsa juice. Whatever. This makes you sound fake as hell. And that's annoying. I think most people read this and think what you REALLY wanted to say is "I think SIL is doing it all wrong and I'm doing it right and I also don't like her." So say that instead of what you did, which is that + all the fakeness and extra superiority. |
Anonymous
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Yes...my ILs are different from me...just like my DH is different from me...because my ILs raised him and because people are different.
What you see as a virtue could be considered a personality flaw by others...Let go...no one is perfect...and neither are you. Another thing...your kids and her kids are cousins...They can have a very close relationship if you get rid of judging on superficial matters. |
Anonymous
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Meet on neutral territory - a playground, movie theater, ice skating rink.
No offense OP, but no way would I want somebody walking around MY house, looking in MY fridge, taking notes like that. You might want to back off and be a little less judgy of your SIL. Life is just too darned short for that. |
Anonymous
FYI, just in case OP is still reading and still not sure how she comes off sounding superior and judgy, here is a breakdown of her OP: OP: I feel as if I'm being judged by her because I'm not as "free spirited" as she is. I know I should not really care, but I do. Here are some of our "lifestyle" differences. You put "free spirited" in quotes which for many people suggests that you feel that it is a negative description. In Internet-speak, putting something in quotes like that is like changing your tone of voice and rolling your eyes when saying it. Implies that you don't think "free spirited" is a very good way to parent. OP: She puts her kids to bed after 11pm. I put my kids to bed at 8:15 Sounds like you think that there is something wrong with letting children stay up until 11pm. But I know several SAHM's whose children have no set schedule during the day and can sleep in and go to bed late, get up late and are perfectly well-balanced children. One friend did this and her soon-to-be 23-yo triplets turned out great. I've known the family since before the trips were born, in fact one of the boys has helped babysit my twins and he's a wonderful young man. OP: She gives her kids juice and soda. Mine drink one juice/day and then water. You know that the argument over juice, how much to give, and whether it is okay to give sugary juices and sodas is a very contentious one and you sound like you not only don't give your children sugary drinks, but you disapprove of parents who do. If you don't want to come across as judgemental about a controversial topic, stay out of it. OP: She rarely cooks. I cook 4-5 times a week. Why would it matter whether she cooks or not? And why is that a lifestyle difference. Why should that make a difference if you are friends or not? Do you have NO friends who predominantly eat out? If you think that this is a material difference between you and that it affects whether or not you can be friends, then you are quite judgemental about her decision not to cook as often as you do. IOP: She has mounds of laundry waiting to be folded. I fold and put away. Okay, your description of mounds of laundry and waiting to be folded is critical and judgemental. You clearly feel superior about this. OP:She gives her kids fast food regularly. I do fast food as a last resort. See above about cooking. Again, your description of fast food as a last resort is clearly judgemental that fast food is bad for the kids and that you wouldn't do it, but you feel that she is a worse parent because she does this. If her kids are healthy and not overweight, it's really not your business or concern. OP: She goes out and comes home late (3-4am, MIL watches kids for her). I do not go to bars or clubs (I'm 37... I just think I'm too old!) And you clearly just feel that a party girl makes her a bad mother. This oozes out of your statements. Not only do you talk about the difference of when she comes home, but you had to stick in the jab that you do not go to bars or clubs. You could have said that you were in bed by 9pm as the difference, but you had to throw the aside in that she does bars and clubs, but that's another judgement that you've made about her being a bad mother. All in all, you are extremely critical of her choices and if it comes out so easily in your on-line posting, you can be assured that it comes out in virtually everything you say to her. It isn't surprising that she feels judged by you and doesn't like you. Frankly, you don't come across, even here, as a likeable person. You need to have a bit of serious reflection about yourself and find out how to make choices that work for you without feeling superior and condescending about those who don't make the same choices as you do. Then you might be able to mend fences with your SIL. Then again, she may have written you off as hopelessly rude and may not give you a second chance. Oh, and in case it is not clear, you definitely owe her a big apology for being so arrogant and condescending. |
Anonymous
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OP--you are getting a lot of crap from people. I admit, I haven't read all of the comments but lots seem to be telling you to chill out. I think that it is very tough when married relations are very different. We are supposed to be "family" but we aren't. So you may not feel as free to tell her what you think as you would to your brother.
As for your different views/ways of doing things. You are perceived by her and maybe others as more regimented. I am more like you in my parenting/household style. My SIL is just like your SIL. Your issues are very familiar to me. My view is that what I am doing makes me happy, my kids are happy and healthy and that is what matters. If my kids get fussy, I can usually figure out why (teething, fever) very fast because they are well rested and eat well. They aren't fussy from being hyped on sugar or overtired. My neices and nephews are hyper and whining a lot and my SIL has no idea why. So, to me, there are real benefits to my method versus hers but that is my choice, and hers is hers. I guess for me, I am there with you about the food and laundry. Eating healthy and doing chores sets an example for children.--practice what you preach and all that. And, feeding bad foods a lot is BAD--just like letting a kid eat candy all day is bad. No one would quarrel with the latter but the former is supposed to be respected as a legitimate choice? BS. As for the refrigerator, I think you are just so bugged by you SIL that everything she does or doesn't do irritates you. I totally get that too. You NEED to spend less time with her so that you don't get irritated so fast. And also, try to just accept who she is. Even if she rolls her eyes or cracks jokes when you put your kids to bed. I do believe that type of behavior is a offensive defense mechanism. She is insecure and lashing out. |
Anonymous
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OP, my in-laws are from an entirely different culture, different country (SE Asia) and don't even speak English.
So yeah, they are more different from me than your SIL is from you. And yet, I don't freak out about it... |
Anonymous
I'm the PP who posted just above you. I agree with your choices. I've said earlier that I have many of the same concerns that she does. The bolded quote is correct. However, when it comes to the italics quote, you 100% get to decide what is best for your family. And SIL 100% gets to decide what is best for her family. And frankly, it really isn't your or OP's business unless the SIL asks or makes it a topic of conversation. If SIL doesn't ask for unsolicited advice, keep it to yourself. And judgemental comments and snide asides just make you a bitch whether you are right or not. Do what's right for your family and don't interfere or obviously judge someone else for doing what's right for their family. |
Anonymous
| We're an "early to bed, early to rise" family, too. It would drive me **crazy** to regularly have my kids up at all hours of the night and sleeping in until noon. I need to feel that there is a certain amount of order in my day. Does that make me better than people who don't have the same routine? No. But I can see how schedule differences like that might make people less compatible with each other. Not better, not worse, just less compatible.... |
Anonymous
I am the poster you quoted. I think you and I are in general agreement but I do think that feeding bad foods a lot is something that is a bad parenting choice. I wouldn't say anything and I do not make faces or comments about any of this stuff. Bad food can have health consequences--high cholesterol, obesity, etc. The role of parents is to take care of children and I include in that role providing healthy food most of the time. Again, I would never say anything to my SIL or any other family member but if the topic ever came up, I would point that out feeding bad food is an area where the parents are actually doing their children a disservice. Letting kids stay up late or not do chores--that is all lifestyle and I believe live and let live. But if someone makes a snide remark about me feeding my kids veggies or refusing to allow ice cream multiple days in a row when dinner has not been touched, I absolutely will take them on about their terrible food choices. Maybe that makes me a bitch in your book. I think it means that I actually practice what I preach. I do not eat dessert every day and I don't eat dessert in lieu of dinner. I eat vegetables and fruits. I exercise. I have to work at my cholesterol and weight even though I have always eaten healthy foods and for the many people, that is life. So eating responsibly all along is just teaching my kids about life and preparing them for it. Is it easier to give in and give ice cream? Absolutely. Is parenting supposed to be fun and easy? Not always if you are doing a good job. |