VENT ALERT: Is anyone THIS different from their in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I, too, am perfect and my in-laws are terrible parents.

Feel better?

[Anonymous]

This is me and my SIL. we do NOT get a long and we are very judgemental of each other.

I can also add:
She: is a tea party repulican and I've had to hide her on FB because of her stupid rants.
Me: I'm about as liberal as they come and annoy her I'm sure with all my pro-gay marriage articles (if I haven't already been hidden)

She: doesnt clean her house and it always looks like crap
me: my Dyson is one of my prized possesions

She: doesnt ever, ever remember my kids birthdays, doesnt send presents on christmas
me: I go over and above to send her kids expensive gifts and then complain to my husband when she doesnt send thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

BTW... in a weird attempt to self improve, would any of you mind pointing out what sounded "superior" on my part? I'd like to think of us as being different, but if I'm coming off as superior here, maybe I'm coming off that way in person. I don't want to offend her in any way.

You want to know what sounded superior? Others have mentioned it, but maybe your OP could have read something like this instead:

SIL does not like me and I do not particularly care for her. We keep a respectful communication, but sometimes, I swear, I feel like she would spit on me if she could. We would not be friends if we were not family, but sometimes, I feel as if I'm being judged by her because I'm not as "free spirited" as she is. I know I should not really care, but I do. Here are some of our "lifestyle" differences.

She puts her kids to bed after 11pm.
I put my kids to bed at 8:15.

how about: I'm too strict with my kids' bedtime and she lets her kids go to sleep when they become natrually tired.

She gives her kids juice and soda.
Mine drink one juice/day and then water.

how about: she is less restrictive than I am about what the kids can drink.

She rarely cooks.
I cook 4-5 times a week.

She likes to go out to eat and I'm a homebody.

She has mounds of laundry waiting to be folded.
I fold and put away.

She doesn't make laundry a priority, while I tend to obsess about it.

She gives her kids fast food regularly.
I do fast food as a last resort.

Again - she takes her kids out to eat while I'm more or a homebody.

She goes out and comes home late (3-4am, MIL watches kids for her).
I do not go to bars or clubs (I'm 37... I just think I'm too old!)

She goes out and lets her kids bond more with their grandma.

Her fridge has (honestly) 4 open bottles of the same brand of mustard. 2 opened bottles of the same BBQ sauce and 3 opened jars of mayo. I just saw this tonight, so it is stuck in my brain. I just remember thinking "I would go crazy if I had all that opened shit in my refrigerator"

Honestly, I don't even know what to say about this one.

Luckily, I don't have to see her every day, but we live in very close proximity and I'm married to her brother, so we see each other enough. So, I'm wondering, is anyone else extremely different from their in-laws, and if so, how?

and what about Luckily, SHE doesn't have to see ME everyday.


That would be a start to how you don't sound like your superior to her - that you see that there is a good side and a bad side to both your lifestyle as well as hers.

[Anonymous]

yes. I'm also that different from my parents/family.

I'm much better than them all as well, so I feel ya OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Yes, I notice those things in other people's homes/houses. And within 24 hours, I forget. What makes you judgy is that you note these things, catalogue them and keep hold of these "fact" as if they are a measure of the person, hence you judge based on the differences. Stop being a bean-counter. Yes, people are different. I have many of the same characteristics and make many of the same choices, and some of my best friends do the things your SIL does. And we get along great. Nothing on your list has any impact on whether or not you will be friends, can tolerate each other or whether either of you is better or worse as a person or parent.

How do you become better? Stop and think. You notice details about other people. A sense of detail can be a good thing. However, once you've noticed something, for these inconsequential details, stop and put them out of your mind when you think about the person. Try to think of the things that make a person a good friend and focus on those characteristics instead. One of the things that often causes conflict between people like you and your SIL is that not only do you detail and file the differences, but you sound like you judge. In your comments and discussions with her, if you are critical of the choices that she makes (and believe me, people can tell), then she's probably not so friendly because she not only feels that you are an anal bitch, but a judgy one as well. So stop talking about the things that you do different, and start talking about the things you have in common. Don't worry that her kids are not in bed at 9pm or 10pm, whether her laundry is folded, whether she cooked dinner or not and talk about family, what you've done together, similar parenting experience (have your kids been to see Mom recently? Did you know she got a new toy chest so that we can keep some toys are her house to play with while we're there? Jack just started climbing and we've been having problems with him because he doesn't know how to get down without falling. Larla now has practice after school--how did you handle the kids coming home at different times?)

[Anonymous]

In-law relationships can be amazingly rewarding and awesome or...not. If they're not you just have to let these small things roll off your back and chalk them up to different strokes for different folks. I have one amazingly wonderful sister-in-law who can do no wrong and one who can do no right with me. But I don't let the latter one know - I work hard to be friendly and upbeat and cheerful and we have a friendly, warm relationship. It is tiring but it is the best thing to do for my husband (whose brother is married to her) and my husband's parents. And, I'm sure she has issues with me but she seems to work to get along too. And that, to me, is the most important characteristic both of us share. Neither one of us can be that bad if we prize harmony and civility. If I were you, OP, that would be my takeaway from this. You and your SIL appear to have that in common!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Stop taking note of her refrigerator contents.

[Anonymous]

People make different choices. Who knew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Try lightening up a little. If you and your kids are having dinner with them, go crazy and let your kids have a ginger ale. Try letting them watch a movie with their cousins until late in the summer time, just once. I guarantee you that they will have fun and not lose IQ points if they stay up past their bed time. Relax, really, your head will not explode. Maybe try to see that other people have different priorities and different perspectives, for real. There are so many things to really worry about (are the kids healthy and happy? Are the adults gainfully employed and happy?) that the contents of someone's fridge reall\ly doesn't matter. Do yourself a big favor and don't waste energy even thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

My suggestion would be to stay in hotels and do not be each other's guests. I have no idea nor have I ever inquired whether my SIL folds laundry, leaves a mound, gives juice or water and how often or when they eat fast food. I'm not even sure how this stuff comes up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

My suggestion would be to stay in hotels and do not be each other's guests. I have no idea nor have I ever inquired whether my SIL folds laundry, leaves a mound, gives juice or water and how often or when they eat fast food. I'm not even sure how this stuff comes up in conversation.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

Try lightening up a little. If you and your kids are having dinner with them, go crazy and let your kids have a ginger ale. Try letting them watch a movie with their cousins until late in the summer time, just once. I guarantee you that they will have fun and not lose IQ points if they stay up past their bed time. Relax, really, your head will not explode. Maybe try to see that other people have different priorities and different perspectives, for real. There are so many things to really worry about (are the kids healthy and happy? Are the adults gainfully employed and happy?) that the contents of someone's fridge reall\ly doesn't matter. Do yourself a big favor and don't waste energy even thinking about it.

whoa whoa whoa. shit's getting out of hand! that is crazy talk

[Anonymous]

Meh. Don't judge her OP. She feels it. SIL judges me constantly, which is why I stay at arms length. She has said things to others which I wish did not get back to me, but they told me out of loyalty. Actually, I stay far away.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Yes, I notice those things in other people's homes/houses. And within 24 hours, I forget. What makes you judgy is that you note these things, catalogue them and keep hold of these "fact" as if they are a measure of the person, hence you judge based on the differences. Stop being a bean-counter. Yes, people are different. I have many of the same characteristics and make many of the same choices, and some of my best friends do the things your SIL does. And we get along great. Nothing on your list has any impact on whether or not you will be friends, can tolerate each other or whether either of you is better or worse as a person or parent.

How do you become better? Stop and think. You notice details about other people. A sense of detail can be a good thing. However, once you've noticed something, for these inconsequential details, stop and put them out of your mind when you think about the person. Try to think of the things that make a person a good friend and focus on those characteristics instead. One of the things that often causes conflict between people like you and your SIL is that not only do you detail and file the differences, but you sound like you judge. In your comments and discussions with her, if you are critical of the choices that she makes (and believe me, people can tell), then she's probably not so friendly because she not only feels that you are an anal bitch, but a judgy one as well. So stop talking about the things that you do different, and start talking about the things you have in common. Don't worry that her kids are not in bed at 9pm or 10pm, whether her laundry is folded, whether she cooked dinner or not and talk about family, what you've done together, similar parenting experience (have your kids been to see Mom recently? Did you know she got a new toy chest so that we can keep some toys are her house to play with while we're there? Jack just started climbing and we've been having problems with him because he doesn't know how to get down without falling. Larla now has practice after school--how did you handle the kids coming home at different times?)

OP here. Thank you so much. I love your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

My suggestion would be to stay in hotels and do not be each other's guests. I have no idea nor have I ever inquired whether my SIL folds laundry, leaves a mound, gives juice or water and how often or when they eat fast food. I'm not even sure how this stuff comes up in conversation.

+100

OP again. You know, I've thought a lot about this topic and the responses and realized something. The reason I have taken note about the "little" things is because, indeed, I genuinely do not care for her. Sure, I'm not BFF potential for her either, BUT... here's what I learned:

-At one point, I babysat her DC for her. She was late to pick her DC up... just about every day.... She would pay me late pretty regularly. Sometimes I would have to ask her to square up with me. I have since stopped, but am still frustrated with myself (and her) for not being more direct with her about her lack of consideration.
-When I am with her mother (my MIL), she is very short in her conversations with me, as if she is jealous that I was with her mom. This doesn't happen very often, but I get the cold shoulder from her no matter when it does happen.
-When her kids do come over to my home (which is a few times a week), they often walk in with food/sodas that she knows we do not give our children. Then my kids ask for some of what her kids have. I wish she'd just stop, but again, I need to be direct with her about this. NOTE: My kids do get "treats" once or twice a week, like ginger ale (ginger brew, actually), or we'll make a homemade treat, or stop off at one of the many frozen yogurt shops.
-Here's the one realization that has been VERY enlightening: I'm a bit (or maybe a lot) jealous of her. She's very relaxed, laid back and doesn't sweat the small stuff. She goes out with friends and doesn't feel a bit of guilt about leaving her DC's with her mom (or whatever other family member/friend will watch them) I, obviously do sweat the small stuff, which is apparently why I decided to take note of all of our lifestyle differences.
-On the other hand, I don't like her shady attitude and don't like the way she sometimes treats my children.

So, all in all, I really think that the differences I so embarrassingly noted (which, ironically, seemed like a good idea at the time), are only so obvious because of the other feelings I have toward her. She's not stupid, so she must have felt the judgment oozing out of my pores. I've never said the things I noted, but I'm sure she felt it. I've really got to work on that, because it does nothing for me to think about those differences.

DCUM PP's: thanks for the insight, and guiding me through a much need attitude intervention!!! Now... I'm off to fold laundry, count condiments, and feed my kids veggies all day. Lol! Just kidding!