I am visiting my GC, not you!
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Anonymous
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I was a nanny for 8 years and I would never last in a situation like that. It's very disruptive to a daily schedule and very uncomfortable to have people watch you work. The former nanny probably said she liked it because if she didn't you'd think she was hiding something by not wanting people breathing down her neck all the time.
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Anonymous
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I don't think that your in-laws are going to stop coming no matter what you say, so I think, as some of the PPs have said, it is about compromise. Are there any things that you like about them coming over? Is there anything that they could do for you that actually is helpful? Does your nanny help out with laundry or other household items? If yes to any of those, working with your nanny, I would set out a clear schedule of when they could visit focusing on positive things that you think are so helpful and why you are grateful they are there -- these sound like people who think they are being helpful, so feed their egos, while setting your own boundaries. It could be something like this: "MIL, we are switching around baby's schedule as she is getting older. We'd appreciate if you would work with us. Baby sleeps from 1-4. We love it that you play with her, and that you help make dinner. Nanny also likes it when you are there so that she can finish up x, y, z in case baby needs to go [to go to sleep early/get up early]. With that in mind, would you please try coming from x-y time." And then have your nanny usher them out the door when the time is over. Also, as your baby gets older, I bet that your nanny will want to be out of the house, walking around, etc. Tell your MIL that the baby needs fresh air/socialization. It will take time, but you need to be firm and consistent.
FWIW, my MIL would come to our house and do laundry, cook, clean our cabinets, etc. and my FIL would sit there and read the paper. Then as "thanks" for all of "their hard work," I was expected to make a big meal and clean it up. It drove me crazy. Now realizing that my MIL can't sit still, when she comes, I manage to come up with a list of things that would be helpful. E.g., she's a pretty good cook, and she is more than willing to make soups and freeze them. Or, she loves to walk, so she'll walk the two miles to school to pick up my little guy, which gives us an hour to run errands or the lik. My FIL is good at putting things together. While I agree you need to talk with your DH, my DH won't say a word to his parents, so I do all of the communicating. |
Anonymous
| OP, are your husband and you from different cultural backgrounds? I am from Germany and my husband is Italian-American, and if my inlaws lived in this area, we would surely have similar issues. The mediterranean culture is so much more focused on the extended family than we are in Northern Europe. I would be super annoyed with the situation you have as well - I want my privacy and focus on my own family, and while it's nice to see grandparents and aunts and uncles every so often, I don't want them to be a part of my daily life. My family is abroad anyway (and if they were here, they would never overstep any boundaries), and thankfully his family is also a plane ride away in another state and not very travel-savvy, so they haven't visited much, and can only try to meddle over the phone. |
Anonymous
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Offer them terms you're comfortable with. Maybe one day a week, from 10:00-12:00, and they can sort out who comes which week. And then nanny doesn't open the door for anyone at any other time!
And first, clear it with the nanny. She gets veto if she's still on as primary caregiver. If she's handing off the baby for 2 hours, she should still get paid for that time. DH definitely needs to be onboard or this will be a long row to hoe. See if you can come to a compromise. |
Anonymous
+1. What is the nanny supposed to say except it is fine. She will be looking soon... |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Tell your ILs that their weekly visits don't work with your family schedule but they're free to arrange a time when DH will be home to come over. They can protest but don't argue, just tell your nanny to be out at the park and not leave a note when the ILs plan to come by. And you don't need to go with your DH to every family visit. Pick one day per month that you're happy to go and then skip the rest. Give yourself some me time! |
Anonymous
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Take off next time MIL is expected and meet her outside and just tell her how you feel. This is your house, your child and YOU make the rules and they have to abide by them. Do not argue or discuss with her. Walk back into house, close door, do not answer doorbell or phone. Your MIL sounds like Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond. If your DH says anything just tell him that by his inaction, you were forced to take care of problem.
You have already tried the n |
Anonymous
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The grandparents will be there long after the nanny is gone, and that is one grounding relationship that your child will likely cherish in the future. Thinking long term, since you are at work, it's good to have a reliable family presence in your child's life. Even is they seem annoying, life with kids is different from life without, and welcoming grandparents is one way you will need to learn to adjust. You're not doing it for you, nor for the grandparents, but you *are* starting to build a network of support for your child, and that is important.
That said, it does not have to work in the way the in-laws are doing it. I would also feel uncomfortable having someone visit my home in my absence. But if your in-laws are in full strength and of sound judgement, you can have the nanny organize regular playdates, where they visit the GP at their home, have a set time for the GP to stop by and play, or meet at a park or on an outing. Going to the zoo can well start now. Make "Tuesdays and Thursdays" grandparents day, give the nanny their contact information, and let them work out an arrangement that keeps you sane. At 8 months, your baby will soon turn into a toddler, and having the extra hands will be a good thing in the future. Think that one day, they may be able to take on some of the soccer mom activities while you are at work --- one of the greatest challenge to a working mom, you will find out one day. Unless there is a strong trust issue with your in-laws (along the lines of previous convictions, alcohol, senility, etc), this sounds to me like it's a situation that simply needs you to step in and nudge the interactions in a more controlled way. You don;t have to have them as guests in your home 3 times a week plus weekends, but since you're at work, there is plenty room for them to do. And by all means, involve the nanny, so that she can still be in charge of the schedule. She's the boss of the day after all. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Get a dead bolt (I'm assuming your ILs have a key) and tell the nanny NOT to let them in, let your ILs know you have instructed the nanny not to let them in. Problem solved. |
Anonymous
Um, no she didn't...that's why she's the "former" nanny. |
Anonymous
+1 bonus: the in week visit gives you an excuse to skip some of the weekend visits. |
Anonymous
. I agree with this. While the pps are giving you great advice about what to say to MIL, it sounds like she disregards anything you have to say regardless, so it's all moot. My advice? be passive-aggressive to get your point across. 1. Are you okay with them visiting during the day while nanny is with them? If yes, let that continue. BUT, sign up baby and nanny for some classes or events at 4pm. Nanny will have to take baby out of the house and escort them out, lock the door, and leave. MIL will have no choice but to go home. 2. If you're not comfortable with MIL being there during the day, then sign baby and nanny up for some class during the morning or afternoon around the time MIL plans on coming. they'll be out of the house and MIL will have no choice. If (actually WHEN) MIL complains to you about no one being home or having to leave, be straightforward and explain that you've already told her she can't come and unfortunately you will not change baby's schedule to accomodat her. |
Anonymous
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This would drive me batshit insane, OP. I'm with you.
That said, I do agree with other posters that the relationship with grandparents and aunt is really precious and will last much longer than that with nanny. I was a spinster aunt until age 40, and I don't click with my SIL at all, but I love love love time alone with my nephew, and I know it is good for him, so I'm assuming that level of goodwill from your SIL if not your MIL. Here's my suggestion: 1) If your nanny drives, have your nanny go to GP's house for granny time 2x/week, for 2-3 hours at a time. This could be time for nanny to run other errands for you, do laundry, etc. 2) Absolutely no visits to your home without you there. (PP's have found it reasonable, but i share your sensitivity about my privacy and space. I would feel very violated to have my IL's here, looking through my things, without me. Seriously, I would divorce over this issue if my DH did not back me up on it. 3) If GP's do not live close or have a baby friendly house, I like the idea of signing IL's up for an activity or meeting at a regular destination place with the nanny, NOT at your home. I completely understand your reluctance to leave your baby with them for the weekend, or to leave then in your house without you when they have NO respect for boundaries. I just also know what it's like to be an IL who wants a relationship with the child but doesn't click with the mom. You don't have to be fond of your IL's for your child to benefit from a good relationship with them, and you don't have to be guilted into spending more time with them when you just want your immediate family around. Giving IL's baby time while you're at work seems like a good compromise as long as it can be in your terms (not in your house, not spilling over into dinner, etc). I hope you can strike a balance! |
Anonymous
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I think I'm in the minority on this one. I don't really like my MIL, but I wouldn't care if she dropped by when I wasn't there to hang out with the baby. I always try to think of what I would want if I was in the other's shoes. One day, when I'm a grandma, I know I'd love to see my grandkids as frequently as I can. But, of course, there are limits. If I were the OP, I would allow the visits, but be reslly clear about my expectations. I would demand that 1. They pick the same day each week, so it's part of a routine. 2. they leave when I get home. 3. They respect all my rules and do not touch my stuff. Just tell them you're expectations!
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Anonymous
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There needs to be a school for those who want to be a productive member of grandparent society. If they don't go, they are not welcome. OP, make some boundaries and keep to them. Disrespectful grandparents have no place in your home. |