I am visiting my GC, not you!

[Anonymous]

I think that I am more sensitive to the personal space/time thing than many and need to translate it to the ILs politely. The issue is that they live 40 minutes away and we see them every 2-3 weeks, sometimes more often, plus they call everyday. Besides not being their biggest fan, I am very tired of spending most of my weekends with them. To add to my annoyance now ILs think that family gatherings do not provide them enough quality time with the baby and decided to assign a weekday to the family members to come visit my child (8 m.o.) when we are at work. So on Tuesdays MIL will come in and play with the DC and on Thursday SIL (she's older and unmarried) will come play with the baby, and maybe MILs sister will visit along with the MIL sometimes. I don't like it and especially upset with the fact that they did not even bother asking if they can come in as they think they are my DC's guests, not mine. I tried saying that this is not a good idea, but they argue that on contrary, they will observe the nanny at work (she just started), they will get some quality time with the baby, and they will sometimes cook and eat dinner with us. I just want my personal space, I don't like my house reorganized while I am away, although yes, they do have a point about the nanny. I know, many of you would love this set up, but I guess I am a private person and I am not warm and fuzzy about ILs. How should I politely but firmly word my feelings?

[Anonymous]

You have to Set boundaries, which starts with saying no. Are you able to tell the ils no and have tried before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to Set boundaries, which starts with saying no. Are you able to tell the ils no and have tried before?

They argue with me when I say no. They don't take my "no" as an answer, it's really exhausting. They pressure, push, and raise voice if I try to refuse something, especially MIL. Therefore, I am not very productive at boundary building.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should handle it.

[Anonymous]

If you let this keep happening, you will not have a nanny for much longer. That poor woman. If you find your IL's irritating, how do you think SHE feels?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you let this keep happening, you will not have a nanny for much longer. That poor woman. If you find your IL's irritating, how do you think SHE feels?!

They are very nice to the nanny. The former nanny actually enjoyed their visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should handle it.

My husband does not mind living as one big family. He does not see an issue and enjoys the whole "mi casa su casa" philosophy, however it only works one way. I can't imagine going to my SIL's apartment without her being there ( not that I want to).

[Anonymous]

Wow sounds like my situation when dd was born, except I had to see my MIL every weekend. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that if this continues it adds to your stress and makes you resentful of your in laws. (At least that is how I felt.). I hated not feeling like my space was my space. It took several talks with my husband but ultimately the only way to work through it was having him lay down the law with my MIL and respect my point of view. You really need to nip it in the bid now before it becomes standard course for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow sounds like my situation when dd was born, except I had to see my MIL every weekend. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that if this continues it adds to your stress and makes you resentful of your in laws. (At least that is how I felt.). I hated not feeling like my space was my space. It took several talks with my husband but ultimately the only way to work through it was having him lay down the law with my MIL and respect my point of view. You really need to nip it in the bid now before it becomes standard course for them.

Reassuring to hear from someone in the same situation. How did your situation resolve itself? We started with every week, in fact when DC was just born ILs pretty much came in every day. I managed to make it every 2 weeks, but not all the time. I am resentful already, DH knows it, but thinks I am overreacting. They totally guilt trip us, saying things like: "You never leave DC with us", "We don't see DC growing up". They try pushing me out of town, so they can take DC for a weekend or more, but I am not ready to leave the baby with them. So now they want alone time at my place. It drives me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Tell them they can't come. Then tell the nanny to be out with your child when they are supposed to drop by.

Tell your DH that it doesn't matter that it doesn't bother him. It bothers you and the two of you are the central team. Then tell him you are willing to see his family every third weekend at most. He is welcome to visit them on his own more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should handle it.

My husband does not mind living as one big family. He does not see an issue and enjoys the whole "mi casa su casa" philosophy, however it only works one way. I can't imagine going to my SIL's apartment without her being there ( not that I want to).

Not going to be one big HAPPY family if you're not happy. He chose you, you and DC are his family now and if you are upset by this he needs to handle it. At this point, assuming you've told him how you feel (a few times so he really heard it), he's choosing his mom and family over you, and that needs to stop.

Sit down with him and calmly explain that this is no ok with you and it needs to change. Work with him to come up with a plan that you can try to live with that doesn't shut anyone out completely - and then he explains the plan to his family in a way that doesn't present you as the bad guy.

he needs to support you, even if he doesn't agree. He does agree that his wife needs to be happy - and that's the bottom line

[Anonymous]

well, if you don't want to spend as much time with them, having them come while you are working is actually brilliant! imagine how much more time you would have to see them otherwise.

and if your nanny enjoys the time your ILs are over, and your DD is spending time with family members who love her...well, i guess i don't see the downside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them they can't come. Then tell the nanny to be out with your child when they are supposed to drop by.

Tell your DH that it doesn't matter that it doesn't bother him. It bothers you and the two of you are the central team. Then tell him you are willing to see his family every third weekend at most. He is welcome to visit them on his own more often.

This. Your husband does not need to be convinced that you're right. All he needs to know is that this is bothering you. You need to feel that he's "Team Wife/Mother of his Child". The real annoyance with all of this family--dh, mil, SIL--is their total dismissal of your requests. To me, that is the height of disrespect. That needs to be shut down with dh immediately. "When you say 'It's not a big deal the my mom wants to come every weekend' I feel dismissed. I feel like my feelings don't matter because they're different from yours."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well, if you don't want to spend as much time with them, having them come while you are working is actually brilliant! imagine how much more time you would have to see them otherwise.

and if your nanny enjoys the time your ILs are over, and your DD is spending time with family members who love her...well, i guess i don't see the downside.

That makes sense. But OP said that things were rearranged in the home. And the ILs ended up cooking and staying for dinner. So it's not just a visit while OP is at work. The last thing I would want after working all day and missing my family is to have my in-laws sitting across from me at the dinner table. Yeah, one could argue that it's to have someone cook dinner, but not at such a heavy price as loss of privacy.

[Anonymous]

It's NICE to have someone cook dinner^^^