45 and struggling about decision to try for second child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Would you not do this "upkeep" if you didn't have kids?

Really. Check out the women walking around who are 45 yo empty nesters. Pretty put together. Now compare 45 yo with 2 teens and a ES. If you can't see the difference...

A 45 year old empty nester? Someone done having kids by 25 or so? How many of those are walking around the DC metro, looking chic and fashionable?

[Anonymous]

http://wamu.org/programs/fresh_air_from_whyy/13/01/17/grayest_generation_older_parenthood_in_the_us#at_pco=cfd-1.0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with an early poster that anyone at age 45 has a huge risk of having a down syndrome baby. Would it be fair to be so old and only to be around so long and then have someone else have to take care of a special needs child?

I think a lot of people do not continue pregnancies of special needs children - regarding of parent age. I could be wrong - but from what I have heard the incidence of downs babies is down greatly. Why do you think that is?? Of course, the real question is this - and its for anyone considering pregnancy - what would you do if you conceived a child with issues. Hopefully people will think about that in advance.

Was that a serious question re incidence of Down babies? It's down because older moms have amnios & terminate at sign of abnormalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First child is now almost 4. Thought for a long time that one was all I wanted but now thinking I really want a second. My reasons have nothing to do with wanting to give my first a sibling (I have a sister that I have never been close to). I just feel like family is really important and I have so enjoyed all of the time with my son. But I worry about not being able to give my first the attention he deserves and ruining my very close relationship with him. I also worry about my own health - getting older, would require another C-section. My DH could go either way but I think that a second would put a strain on him and our marriage. We are very happy and not sure I want to rock the boat, but at times I really feel that our family is not complete.

Has anyone else struggled with this, especially in your 40s?

I was in your shoes years ago. I had my second at 43. It was a tough decision. Here's what I wish I had thought about more:
1. Do you work? How will you handle the expense of child care?
2. Is your husband an involved parent?
3. Are you a very organized person? Do you have energy to spare?
4. Per some of the earlier comments, how will you feel about having less time for yourself, husband and child #1?
5. How will you handle sibling rivalry? Did you grow up in a strong family so you have a model for how to manage family issues?

Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

PP can you elaborate? Why do you think these are important questions at this age esp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First child is now almost 4. Thought for a long time that one was all I wanted but now thinking I really want a second. My reasons have nothing to do with wanting to give my first a sibling (I have a sister that I have never been close to). I just feel like family is really important and I have so enjoyed all of the time with my son. But I worry about not being able to give my first the attention he deserves and ruining my very close relationship with him. I also worry about my own health - getting older, would require another C-section. My DH could go either way but I think that a second would put a strain on him and our marriage. We are very happy and not sure I want to rock the boat, but at times I really feel that our family is not complete.

Has anyone else struggled with this, especially in your 40s?

I was in your shoes years ago. I had my second at 43. It was a tough decision. Here's what I wish I had thought about more:
1. Do you work? How will you handle the expense of child care?
2. Is your husband an involved parent?
3. Are you a very organized person? Do you have energy to spare?
4. Per some of the earlier comments, how will you feel about having less time for yourself, husband and child #1?
5. How will you handle sibling rivalry? Did you grow up in a strong family so you have a model for how to manage family issues?

Good luck with your decision.

And to add to that: How is your health and that of your family? 55 is a key time for health problems to emerge.
And: Do you have money for both retirement and college?

[Anonymous]

Mom of 2. First at 40, second at 43, they are now 4 and 8. I live in upper NW, on the older end of parents at the elementary school but get along with many parents and feel welcome.

I love my 2 but the new baby stage was exhausting both times and I am thrilled with their current ages. DH is several years younger and most of my local girl friends with kids have kids the same age and my college friends are 3-5 years ahead of me so not that much.

As lo g as you know what you are getting I to you will be fine.

Also, chances of Down Syndrome go up, the odds of a child having Down Syndromw are not "huge". Women having been having babies I their forties for a long time, it just did not used to be a goal.

[Anonymous]

Please excuse typos, darn iPhone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP can you elaborate? Why do you think these are important questions at this age esp?

I was the PP. I'm surprised you asked me to elaborate. Also agree with other questions someone threw in.
Look at the "regrets" post put up today. Sorry, people don't like to admit this - it's taboo. Would hate it if my kids ever suspected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here in Upper Caucasia, DC, if you have your second child at 45, you will NOT always be the oldest parent. Lots of families where mom has a grade school kid or two and is well into her 50s. For perspective, a mom here who had her first in her late 20s refers to herself as a "DC teen mom."

LOL! This is also what I say (in fact, maybe you are my friend and talking about me!). I had my first in my late 20s and people act (and acted) like I was 15. I suspect more weirdly than if you're 45. But I say, whatever, if you're aware and accepting of possible risks of increased maternal and paternal age, the potential challenges (and costs (both financial and psychological)) of getting pregnant at 45, and the real consequences of the age at which you have a child (be it younger or older than average for this area), others' opinions should not be a factor. I would not want a baby at 45, but that's probably in part because I had one at 30, whereas the OP did not.

[Anonymous]

DC Teen Mom, were you sooner and a Sooner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here in Upper Caucasia, DC, if you have your second child at 45, you will NOT always be the oldest parent. Lots of families where mom has a grade school kid or two and is well into her 50s. For perspective, a mom here who had her first in her late 20s refers to herself as a "DC teen mom."

LOL! This is also what I say (in fact, maybe you are my friend and talking about me!). I had my first in my late 20s and people act (and acted) like I was 15. I suspect more weirdly than if you're 45. But I say, whatever, if you're aware and accepting of possible risks of increased maternal and paternal age, the potential challenges (and costs (both financial and psychological)) of getting pregnant at 45, and the real consequences of the age at which you have a child (be it younger or older than average for this area), others' opinions should not be a factor. I would not want a baby at 45, but that's probably in part because I had one at 30, whereas the OP did not.

I feel the same. Got pregnant at 25 with my first. I don't want to have kids at 45 because I will have a grown child by then. However, if I had my first at 40+ and wanted a second and had a helpful DH, I'd go for it. I agree that I stand out more at PTA than you. At our charter, the PTA moms are primarily 15-20 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

Please no you are old to try for a second

[Anonymous]

I disagree- PP....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually OP - let me know if you want to email about this!

Would love to. My email is [e-mail].

Can I join in? I'm also in my mid 40s and some times wish for a 2nd child.