45 and struggling about decision to try for second child

[Anonymous]

I think it might be difficult to be 64 when your child graduates from high school and 67 when he/she graduates from college. Energy level changes a lot from mid 40's to mid/late fifties let alone mid 60's. Trying to plan for retirement when you're paying for college could be challenging too!

[Anonymous]

^^I guess that would be 68 when he/she graduates from college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here in a similar situation. Feel only child miss out on so much but just feel too old to do it again and I dont handle stress well.

Its funny but I feel exactly the opposite. My only (who is a kindergartner) takes classes in swimming, soccer, art, foreign language and martial arts. I have time to do all these things with my child, also have time and money to take our family of 3 on trips. I'm concerned that adding a second would cause the first to miss out on a lot.

I'm the PP you quoted and just want to thank you for your perspective! I have SO MUCH GUILT about not giving my child a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it, be realistic. Enjoy your first and his friends. Volunteer at a children's center if you get an "urge." Learn to be happy with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it, be realistic. Enjoy your first and his friends. Volunteer at a children's center if you get an "urge." Learn to be happy with what you have.

Curious about why you think this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here in a similar situation. Feel only child miss out on so much but just feel too old to do it again and I dont handle stress well.

Its funny but I feel exactly the opposite. My only (who is a kindergartner) takes classes in swimming, soccer, art, foreign language and martial arts. I have time to do all these things with my child, also have time and money to take our family of 3 on trips. I'm concerned that adding a second would cause the first to miss out on a lot.

I'm the PP you quoted and just want to thank you for your perspective! I have SO MUCH GUILT about not giving my child a sibling.

Agree with PP poster who said "learn to be happy with what you have."

Older mom of only older teenager here. Would have liked to have had a sibling for DD, but life didn't work out that way. Came to the conclusion early on that I did not want to live with regrets of what could have been and decided to live with what is. Also did not want DD to think that as an only, she is not "enough."

She is independent, well adjusted, an excellent student, has lots of friends and is a good person. I don't think she has "missed out" on much at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your shoes 6 years ago. DH and I decided not to have 2nd child. We are both 47 now, DD is 11 yo.

Three of us have been enjoying our lives so much. We started annual oversea vacations when she was 3, plus domestic vacations during spring/winter breaks.

DD gets all our "resources", and progresses well in every aspects.

It may be just us. But we don't regret not having a 2nd child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is some perspective for both of you.

I am 51. Had first child at 42 and second at 45. DH is 55. I was in the exact same boat 6 or 7 years ago and am happy to report that things worked out great for us, having a second. Our boys are our world. But I will not kid you, there are issues to think about that would not be as important if you were 10 or even 5 years younger.

Some of the things you have mentioned are an issue at any age: Will a second child take time from your first (of course it will), will it rock the boat in your marriage (absolutely), are finances OK (I don't know, are they?) But some things are specific to your ages now. For example, give serious thought to your ability to incorporate a special needs child into your family. Always an issue, of course, but more important to consider as you will be older parents and, statistically, not as likely to be around for your kids as long as younger parents will be.

DH talks wistfully about "when he/ we retire." I laugh at him and remind him that he has a 6 year old.

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

PP, I am in a similar situation and agree with your post. Re the last paragraph, I couldn't have said it better myself. It is an issue that comes up and I am self conscious about it. I have experienced all the things mentioned, and also feel it is harder to make friends because of the huge age difference. Having said that, our two children are our world too and I wouldn't change that. There is nothing I can do about the age difference so I try not to dwell on it.

I would also agree with bolded part. When they were young and before school started for them i never felt different but now my kids are 9, 11, 13 and gets old being the oldest parent. I am 51.
I don't regret it but the other parents are partying on the weekends and talking about growing up in the 80s and 90s and i am silent. You will find others like you but you will be in the minority.

[Anonymous]

We had our 3rd child when I was 40. She's now a teen and the only one left at home as our two older kids are now in college. She's a delight and keeps us young in many ways, but, honestly, looking back, it would have been much harder if I'd been 45 when she came along. DH and I are in good health and energetic -- touch wood -- but we are slowing down and I'm looking forward -- at least somewhat -- to having an empty nest. I miss my two oldest a ton, but have to admit that when they left to go back to school on Sunday I breathed a little sigh of relief -- no more shoes left in the hallway, late nights staying up to watch movies with them, constant trips to the grocery store to re-stock the 'frig, etc.

I had to laugh when PPs mentioned being the oldest parents in the room -- that's us! Honestly, though, we always have company at the geezer end of the spectrum and things are very mellow there as we're the parents who have survived the teen years, college applications, etc. and lived to tell about it!

[Anonymous]

Op if you decided to go for #2, prepare to "maintain your look" daily. Otherwise, some strangers on street will mistook you as the grand mom. Happened to me Caught me off guard. Now I won't go out with DD without a 30 min. make up.

[Anonymous]

I too am an older mom with an only child. It's too late for me to have another now and I do worry about DS being lonely when he is older. However, his life does not have to be lonely. DH's grandfather died two years ago and I just found out that he was an only child. He married and had three children. His three children had a total of five children and now have four grandchildren. When he was ill he was surrounded by great friends and his loving family. Any time I worry about my son being an only, I remember going to visit my DH's grandfather when he was old and frail and seeing him with his loving family.

[Anonymous]

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

The above is very well put. You may have your hands full already!
Today DH and I attended a meeting for starting HS. EVERYBODY was much younger than we were. Definitely felt like grand parents, and sorry to say, we looked the part (59) What did I think I would look like? I feel the gap a lot, especially when in newer situations. I feel more comfortable with people we have known for a long time, but the first impression is "grandparents" (and I look young for my age, but not 40).
The PP is right about the upkeep also. The casual look does not look as great at our age, so more effort, time, money goes into dressing/hair/exercise and so on. Our old friends are all semi retired or retired so their conversation is about their "lifestyle."
Having been very comfortable all my life financially, it is also difficult to adjust to the pressure of up coming expenses.
Sorry not very positive -- just saying that a new baby is a 20 year process! ...and half way along can be awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

The above is very well put. You may have your hands full already!
Today DH and I attended a meeting for starting HS. EVERYBODY was much younger than we were. Definitely felt like grand parents, and sorry to say, we looked the part (59) What did I think I would look like? I feel the gap a lot, especially when in newer situations. I feel more comfortable with people we have known for a long time, but the first impression is "grandparents" (and I look young for my age, but not 40).
The PP is right about the upkeep also. The casual look does not look as great at our age, so more effort, time, money goes into dressing/hair/exercise and so on. Our old friends are all semi retired or retired so their conversation is about their "lifestyle."
Having been very comfortable all my life financially, it is also difficult to adjust to the pressure of up coming expenses.
Sorry not very positive -- just saying that a new baby is a 20 year process! ...and half way along can be awkward.

Would you not do this "upkeep" if you didn't have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

The above is very well put. You may have your hands full already!
Today DH and I attended a meeting for starting HS. EVERYBODY was much younger than we were. Definitely felt like grand parents, and sorry to say, we looked the part (59) What did I think I would look like? I feel the gap a lot, especially when in newer situations. I feel more comfortable with people we have known for a long time, but the first impression is "grandparents" (and I look young for my age, but not 40).
The PP is right about the upkeep also. The casual look does not look as great at our age, so more effort, time, money goes into dressing/hair/exercise and so on. Our old friends are all semi retired or retired so their conversation is about their "lifestyle."
Having been very comfortable all my life financially, it is also difficult to adjust to the pressure of up coming expenses.
Sorry not very positive -- just saying that a new baby is a 20 year process! ...and half way along can be awkward.

Would you not do this "upkeep" if you didn't have kids?

I an not the PP but here's my take. This, like so many things in life, isn't binary. Do upkeep to maintain health and a good general appearance yes. Do upkeep to make myself appear younger - probably not. What's so bad about gray hair anyway? But I don't want my daughter to feel like she has an old mom so I color my hair.

[Anonymous]

are you nuts, when your child is 15 you will be sixty, think it twice, i know its personal but having a baby in old age is difficult , down syndrome chance is huge, energy wears out, a friend of mine had a baby old and loves it but has no energy and is going through menopause so its harder