45 and struggling about decision to try for second child

[Anonymous]

First child is now almost 4. Thought for a long time that one was all I wanted but now thinking I really want a second. My reasons have nothing to do with wanting to give my first a sibling (I have a sister that I have never been close to). I just feel like family is really important and I have so enjoyed all of the time with my son. But I worry about not being able to give my first the attention he deserves and ruining my very close relationship with him. I also worry about my own health - getting older, would require another C-section. My DH could go either way but I think that a second would put a strain on him and our marriage. We are very happy and not sure I want to rock the boat, but at times I really feel that our family is not complete.

Has anyone else struggled with this, especially in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with a similar issue and I am also 45. My DD is 5. I think I really would like another child - but I worry about several things - mainly how much energy I have, finances, and rocking the boat of our current family structure. As much as I think DD would like a sibling - I also thing it would be a HUGE adjustment for her. I also would prefer it if I could adopt a child a bit closer to DD's current age (maybe a 2 or 3 year old). Lots of things to ponder.

If I had to make a prediction - I would say that we will probably just stop at one. I wish I was about 5 or 10 years younger because I think I would just go for it.

[Anonymous]

Actually OP - let me know if you want to email about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually OP - let me know if you want to email about this!

Would love to. My email is [e-mail].

[Anonymous]

Here is some perspective for both of you.

I am 51. Had first child at 42 and second at 45. DH is 55. I was in the exact same boat 6 or 7 years ago and am happy to report that things worked out great for us, having a second. Our boys are our world. But I will not kid you, there are issues to think about that would not be as important if you were 10 or even 5 years younger.

Some of the things you have mentioned are an issue at any age: Will a second child take time from your first (of course it will), will it rock the boat in your marriage (absolutely), are finances OK (I don't know, are they?) But some things are specific to your ages now. For example, give serious thought to your ability to incorporate a special needs child into your family. Always an issue, of course, but more important to consider as you will be older parents and, statistically, not as likely to be around for your kids as long as younger parents will be.

DH talks wistfully about "when he/ we retire." I laugh at him and remind him that he has a 6 year old.

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

[Anonymous]

Not to get off topic here (just very curious.)
Did all of you Ladies get pregnant easily already (or not?)

As for me- I am TTC (not easily) as a 44 year old single woman (IVF) and now persuing adoption. Good luck to everyone with whatever you choose to do. I will be happy w/ 1 due to MY circumstances BUT can see if I were married w/ 1 child already (mid-40's) how I may want another.

So...if you conceived easily (or not) how WILL that effect your current decision making process? Especially as age factors into fertility....

Best wishes to Everyone.

[Anonymous]

Have you consulted your ob/gyn? There are practices that say "no baby over 40". (I had my last at 41-42)

[Anonymous]

NP here in a similar situation. Feel only child miss out on so much but just feel too old to do it again and I dont handle stress well.

17:21 your input was very helpful, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is some perspective for both of you.

I am 51. Had first child at 42 and second at 45. DH is 55. I was in the exact same boat 6 or 7 years ago and am happy to report that things worked out great for us, having a second. Our boys are our world. But I will not kid you, there are issues to think about that would not be as important if you were 10 or even 5 years younger.

Some of the things you have mentioned are an issue at any age: Will a second child take time from your first (of course it will), will it rock the boat in your marriage (absolutely), are finances OK (I don't know, are they?) But some things are specific to your ages now. For example, give serious thought to your ability to incorporate a special needs child into your family. Always an issue, of course, but more important to consider as you will be older parents and, statistically, not as likely to be around for your kids as long as younger parents will be.

DH talks wistfully about "when he/ we retire." I laugh at him and remind him that he has a 6 year old.

And finally, this may sound a little weird and like something that you think won't bother you, but should be mentioned. Are you prepared to ALWAYS be the oldest parents around? To be a good 10 to 12 years older than the other parents in your youngest kid's class? 20 or so years older than your kids' teachers? (Yes, even in DC, where people will tell you that there are a lot of older parents!) Mostly it's fine, but I do mention it, because it will pop up continually in ways that will surprise you. (Like when you are celebrating your 50th birthday and all the other moms are moaning about turning 40!)

PP, I am in a similar situation and agree with your post. Re the last paragraph, I couldn't have said it better myself. It is an issue that comes up and I am self conscious about it. I have experienced all the things mentioned, and also feel it is harder to make friends because of the huge age difference. Having said that, our two children are our world too and I wouldn't change that. There is nothing I can do about the age difference so I try not to dwell on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here in a similar situation. Feel only child miss out on so much but just feel too old to do it again and I dont handle stress well.

Its funny but I feel exactly the opposite. My only (who is a kindergartner) takes classes in swimming, soccer, art, foreign language and martial arts. I have time to do all these things with my child, also have time and money to take our family of 3 on trips. I'm concerned that adding a second would cause the first to miss out on a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to get off topic here (just very curious.)
Did all of you Ladies get pregnant easily already (or not?)

As for me- I am TTC (not easily) as a 44 year old single woman (IVF) and now persuing adoption. Good luck to everyone with whatever you choose to do. I will be happy w/ 1 due to MY circumstances BUT can see if I were married w/ 1 child already (mid-40's) how I may want another.

So...if you conceived easily (or not) how WILL that effect your current decision making process? Especially as age factors into fertility....

Best wishes to Everyone.

I am the second poster on the thread and my daughter is adopted. I chose that route as a single woman rather than trying to conceive. Best wishes to you!!

[Anonymous]

Another older mom, we did have two. DH was fine, but has become less able physically to handle two. So more on me, but wouldn't change anything.

As to always being the old mom, there is something to be said for having the perspective that age brings. Also, I really do think my kids help keep me young. I try to eat healthy as examples and tend to be more active I think than if I didn't have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to get off topic here (just very curious.)
Did all of you Ladies get pregnant easily already (or not?)

So...if you conceived easily (or not) how WILL that effect your current decision making process? Especially as age factors into fertility....

NP here. I'm married, conceived very easily at 41 with first. Conceived easily again at 44 but miscarried. Haven't had any luck since. I don't think I'd be willing to go the fertility treatment route at this point. So I'm figuring if I'm not able to conceive again, it wasn't meant to be. Then the decision is made for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another older mom, we did have two. DH was fine, but has become less able physically to handle two. So more on me, but wouldn't change anything.

As to always being the old mom, there is something to be said for having the perspective that age brings. Also, I really do think my kids help keep me young. I try to eat healthy as examples and tend to be more active I think than if I didn't have them.

"Young" mom (33) here. I really don't care how old my mom friends are, and I agree with PP that the perspective of older moms is invaluable. Plus, you all have your acts together (career- and marriage-wise) and are a real inspiration on that front!

[Anonymous]

I am an older mom and I've really never been in a position where it was "weird" being older. Maybe it will happen someday but for now (child is five) I don't feel out of place at all.