"Post Secrets" type thread

[Anonymous]

17:48 I don't mean to keep harping on your post, but your story is heartbreaking.

I am among those who believe no matter what the circumstances following the abuse were, that you were not at fault. However, I can imagine it is very hard to quell the guilty voices in your head. To that, I say only that we all must learn to forgive ourselves for the decisions we have made. Some have a harder path of this than others. Wishing you peace in the New Year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:48 I don't mean to keep harping on your post, but your story is heartbreaking.

I am among those who believe no matter what the circumstances following the abuse were, that you were not at fault. However, I can imagine it is very hard to quell the guilty voices in your head. To that, I say only that we all must learn to forgive ourselves for the decisions we have made. Some have a harder path of this than others. Wishing you peace in the New Year.

Not 17:48, but I agree with this.

To 17:48: it was NOT your fault. There are female therapists who specialize in working with victims of past abuse....they might be more helpful than your previous male therapist.

Hugs again. ((()))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A family member's spouse molested me as a teen and I went on to have a sexual relationship with that person.

I feel like shit about it, no need to lecture me.

You shouldn't feel like shit about that, and no one has any right to lecture you. You're not the first victim who's ended up in that situation, not by a long shot. I hope you find a way to not feel like shit about it. Not your fault at all.

Anonymous wrote:

No lectures, hugs only. ((()))

Thanks to both of you for the kind words.

I wasn't innocent in it all. It was a combination of my low self-esteem at the time and zero previous romantic/sexual interaction that turned me confronting that person over the unwanted incident into me agreeing to continue it and even being the aggressor at times.

Sigh. I've been to therapy for it but it was utterly unhelpful (I felt bad for the poor therapist, he didn't know what to say to me) so now I just live with the knowledge of what I did.

This is actually VERY TYPICAL behavior. I learned this after I was raped and became really promiscuous. Eventually, a therapist helped me find other ways to "get my power back." That can be what prompts sexual aggression in someone who has been abused. Rather than feel like a victim, you take on another role.

No one should judge you for this. I pray you are in a healthier, safer space now.

Yup. Same thing happened to me after I was raped. Was very aggressive and promiscuous. Got help and am very much at peace now. PP, this type of reaction is a very normal, very well understood (by *good* therapists, anyway) reaction to molestation and sexual abuse. It is sort of about self-esteem, but not in the way you seem to understand it. You don't have to live the rest of your life feeling bad about it. A therapist trained in these issues can help you get to a happy place. Dr. David Bissette is awesome and in the area. Here's his website (note the list under "sexual symptoms" - e.g., "need to re-enact the event")):http://www.healthymind.com/abuse.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:48 I don't mean to keep harping on your post, but your story is heartbreaking.

I am among those who believe no matter what the circumstances following the abuse were, that you were not at fault. However, I can imagine it is very hard to quell the guilty voices in your head. To that, I say only that we all must learn to forgive ourselves for the decisions we have made. Some have a harder path of this than others. Wishing you peace in the New Year.

LIKE+++++

To 17:48: there are female therapists who specialize in working who women with similar experiences. Your past therapist sounds clueless! (no offense intended)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a relationship with my high school history teacher. He would have sex with me at school in his office--(oral and mutual masturbation only) from 10th grade until I graduated. It was at a local big 3 school. When I was 15 I was a redhead. As I got older my hair became auburn. We had intercourse once when I came home from college freshman year. He said we couldn't do it anymore because I was no longer a true ginger. True story. For that and many other actual legitimate reasons, including me growing up and moving on, we broke up.

I think I know who you are talking about because I know if a high school history teacher/assistant football coach (at least he was an assistant football coach when I went to school there) at a big school in the area who got in trouble a few years ago for inappropriate relationships with students- was having sex, etc. He was asked to leave the school and there were police reports but I don't think anyone actually pressed charges against him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a relationship with my high school history teacher. He would have sex with me at school in his office--(oral and mutual masturbation only) from 10th grade until I graduated. It was at a local big 3 school. When I was 15 I was a redhead. As I got older my hair became auburn. We had intercourse once when I came home from college freshman year. He said we couldn't do it anymore because I was no longer a true ginger. True story. For that and many other actual legitimate reasons, including me growing up and moving on, we broke up.

I think I know who you are talking about because I know if a high school history teacher/assistant football coach (at least he was an assistant football coach when I went to school there) at a big school in the area who got in trouble a few years ago for inappropriate relationships with students- was having sex, etc. He was asked to leave the school and there were police reports but I don't think anyone actually pressed charges against him.

I should add, that while these relationships may have been deemed "inappropriate" they were certainly abusive. this guy is a predator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:48 I don't mean to keep harping on your post, but your story is heartbreaking.

I am among those who believe no matter what the circumstances following the abuse were, that you were not at fault. However, I can imagine it is very hard to quell the guilty voices in your head. To that, I say only that we all must learn to forgive ourselves for the decisions we have made. Some have a harder path of this than others. Wishing you peace in the New Year.

Not 17:48, but I agree with this.

To 17:48: it was NOT your fault. There are female therapists who specialize in working with victims of past abuse....they might be more helpful than your previous male therapist.

Hugs again. ((()))

Oh my gosh yet another person agreeing with this. There is a power relationship that is always part of this. Think of yourself as water rolling down a hill. That molester was a rock who got into your path and the relationship that followed would have never happened without the rock. Children (and you were a child) try to do inappropriate things at times, because that is an age where they are trying on personalities and personas and world views and philosophies. That rock got in your way and you took a trip around him / it. You are NOT to blame for this!

I was molested as a child and spent my twenties between the sheets. I take some personal ownership of this, I don't say I couldn't help it, etc, but I DO trace it back to what happened to me and have learned to take it much easier on myself. Like you, I saw a therapist who was not terribly helpful, or maybe I was just not that willing to open up about it, I don't know. I have posted before (I was on the pathological liars thread a few weeks back). But seeing the therapist at least helped jar me into a more active "healing" state (i'm sorry if that sounds hokey) and I did a ton of research, self-reflection, and self-help that really helped me to reclaim my life and my true personality. I never gave too much thought about why I slept with so many men in college and the years right after. It is still very hard to completely connect the dots. Your story is so much more immediate - it seems in part about reclaiming your power. It is a very confusing time for adolescents and what happened to you while you were moving around that rock / obstacle is part of your story but not your fault. I too hope 2012 brings full healing for you. xoxoxo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a relationship with my high school history teacher. He would have sex with me at school in his office--(oral and mutual masturbation only) from 10th grade until I graduated. It was at a local big 3 school. When I was 15 I was a redhead. As I got older my hair became auburn. We had intercourse once when I came home from college freshman year. He said we couldn't do it anymore because I was no longer a true ginger. True story. For that and many other actual legitimate reasons, including me growing up and moving on, we broke up.

I think I know who you are talking about because I know if a high school history teacher/assistant football coach (at least he was an assistant football coach when I went to school there) at a big school in the area who got in trouble a few years ago for inappropriate relationships with students- was having sex, etc. He was asked to leave the school and there were police reports but I don't think anyone actually pressed charges against him.

This is really sad. And PP above, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault, either. I know of someone who was in a VERY similar sounding situation about 15 years ago, and went to the police about it last year. This person's abuser was recently sentenced to prison time for what they did. It's not too late to report this creep, if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family member's spouse molested me as a teen and I went on to have a sexual relationship with that person.

I feel like shit about it, no need to lecture me.

Pp, no one should lecture you. You were very young and you were used by an older person. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just want to thank the pps who have pointed out that promiscuity as a response to rape and abuse is pretty likely. Dd was sexually assaulted by a first-class manipulator and user and afterwards "made out" with a lot of guys she didn't really care that much about. It took awhile before she told us about the assault. When I heard about the assault, I understood her ensuing sexual activity a little better but it wasn't until I heard what you pps had to say that I realized that this was typical behavior for a survivor of assault.

[Anonymous]

I used to visit the Facebook page of a girl I went to HS with everyday. We both had our first around the same time but I was single and she is married. We were the first girls from our high school class to have kids in our early 20s. Now she is pregnant with her third and I hear they are a little on the rocks. I was always jealous that she was happily married (guess not). I'm in a great relationship now and feel so lucky. Her Facebook is still absolutely picture perfect, though, and it kills me a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a relationship with my high school history teacher. He would have sex with me at school in his office--(oral and mutual masturbation only) from 10th grade until I graduated. It was at a local big 3 school. When I was 15 I was a redhead. As I got older my hair became auburn. We had intercourse once when I came home from college freshman year. He said we couldn't do it anymore because I was no longer a true ginger. True story. For that and many other actual legitimate reasons, including me growing up and moving on, we broke up.

I think I know who you are talking about because I know if a high school history teacher/assistant football coach (at least he was an assistant football coach when I went to school there) at a big school in the area who got in trouble a few years ago for inappropriate relationships with students- was having sex, etc. He was asked to leave the school and there were police reports but I don't think anyone actually pressed charges against him.

This is really sad. And PP above, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault, either. I know of someone who was in a VERY similar sounding situation about 15 years ago, and went to the police about it last year. This person's abuser was recently sentenced to prison time for what they did. It's not too late to report this creep, if you want.

I am the PP who knows of this high school teacher. His name is xxxx xxxxx. He was involved with several high school female students. There are probably tons and tons more out there. I graduated from xxxxx in the late 90s, this is when there were only rumors of his behavior. I only just found out last year about the police involvement, etc. A CIA agent was out by Potomac River and watched Mr. xxxxx with a young woman - he thought things looked suspicious and followed them when they drove back to the high school at the end of a lunch hour. He saw Mr. xxxxx drop the student off. This was reported to the school officials and things went downhill from there-multiple stories, police involved, but it doesn't seem like any charges have been made! I've searched on google, and while they mention his retiring from xxxxxx-nothing else. He is still out there, divorced from his wife who also taught at xxxxxx. The school asked him to resign but who knows what he is doing now? He is mentally unwell- he will do this again- it's extremely rare for predators to stop this kind of behavior without serious intervention and even then recovery is poor-he needs serious supervision if he is not going to jail. It really angers me, but what can I do? I am not a victim of his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had to choose between the kids and my dog, I'd choose my dog.

If I was able, I'd ban dogs from the US. Loud, messy, hair everywhere, expensive. Ugh.

One could argue that the same could be said about kids.

Kids grow out of it. Dogs never do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like the OP, I find that I have a huge, stupid, midlife crisis crush on a married man. I have always been kind of obsessed with fidelity since I suffered through my parents' infidelity. And now here I am, my marriage struggling a bit, trying to make myself cut this guy out of my life, when another part of me desperately wants to keep him, because he's the bright spot right now, the thing that makes me happy, happier than I've been in so long. I am completely floored that I am in this situation. I never, never, never thought I would feel like this.

OP here. You sound like me. I'm sorry, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who believes wholeheartedly in fidelity but finds it much more difficult than I thought it would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL made a pass at me when his wife (SIL) was sleeping at the other end of the room (touched my chest). I don't think I should tell my DH.

Yes, you should tell your husband. Stop being a dumb ass. (sorry - had to say it) He is disgusting.

If it were anyone else, you would tell!!!!!