Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[Anonymous]

I think there is a "happy medium". I grew up in an Indian family where I had the same expectations placed on me - straight A's, violin etc. While my parents did not always overtly say it, a B was a failure. I was also allowed (once homeowrk was done, violin was practiced) to do sports, play with friends etc. I grew up knowing that though my parents had very high expectations of me, they LOVED me, were PROUD of my accomplishments and would have done ANYTHING to help me succeed and be happy. YEs, there were some bumps in the road - particularly as an adolescent. I graduated from an Ivy, am a doctor and now have my own children. I will raise them with the SAME way and can only hope that I am half the parent my parents were. I am so THANKFUL for their dedication, expectations and sacrifice for me and feel that I will never be able to repay them. They were honest when I was not succeeding (why tell your children they are doing great by getting a B when you know they can do better?), they were proud when I did. Today, they still brag to anyone who will listen.

To the pp who said EQ is more important than IQ. That is simply not true. While you are more likely to succeed with a high IQ + EQ, you can definitely be successful with high IQ and low EQ. The reverse is simply not true. Also, for rhose that saying high expectations are damaging to children, that is also ridiculous. If you do not expect THE BEST and MOST out of your children and encourage and expect them to be the best at everything they do, who else will? I also think that once in a while it is OK to show your dissappointment as long as they know you love them.

Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I could go on for pages, but what I'll say is: my entire family has graduate degrees, we all made six figures right upon graduation, we all have serious relationship/social issues (to varying degrees), and we all have guarded relationships with my parents. My oldest brother (the least westernized, if you will) has the best relationship; I have the worst.

So what? There are so many others who have done this who also.

I don't know any Chinese or Chinese Americans who are extremely successful in their professional life. They fail to have the skills to be in high level positions, work way to hard at perfecting losing business whether it is a project, getting a contract, etc because they don't understand its not failing its a good business choice. They don't have the ability to shift and adapt quickly or understand when perseverance on a task is not a good thing.

Sadly, I don't believe either of the author's children will go onto anything more than sub- par professional jobs even if they do manage to make it through grad school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a "happy medium". I grew up in an Indian family where I had the same expectations placed on me - straight A's, violin etc. While my parents did not always overtly say it, a B was a failure. I was also allowed (once homeowrk was done, violin was practiced) to do sports, play with friends etc. I grew up knowing that though my parents had very high expectations of me, they LOVED me, were PROUD of my accomplishments and would have done ANYTHING to help me succeed and be happy. YEs, there were some bumps in the road - particularly as an adolescent. I graduated from an Ivy, am a doctor and now have my own children. I will raise them with the SAME way and can only hope that I am half the parent my parents were. I am so THANKFUL for their dedication, expectations and sacrifice for me and feel that I will never be able to repay them. They were honest when I was not succeeding (why tell your children they are doing great by getting a B when you know they can do better?), they were proud when I did. Today, they still brag to anyone who will listen.

To the pp who said EQ is more important than IQ. That is simply not true. While you are more likely to succeed with a high IQ + EQ, you can definitely be successful with high IQ and low EQ. The reverse is simply not true. Also, for rhose that saying high expectations are damaging to children, that is also ridiculous. If you do not expect THE BEST and MOST out of your children and encourage and expect them to be the best at everything they do, who else will? I also think that once in a while it is OK to show your dissappointment as long as they know you love them.

Just my 2 cents.

you are completely wrong and you have obviously completely fallen for the line your parents/culture has fed you. Unless you're talking a really low IQ you can absolutely succeed with a high EG and a low(er) IQ. Some of the most successful, best liked, and even wealthiest people I know have EQs off the chart but have completely average IQs. I'd wager much of Hollywood/professional sports players have lower than average IQs as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a "happy medium". I grew up in an Indian family where I had the same expectations placed on me - straight A's, violin etc. While my parents did not always overtly say it, a B was a failure. I was also allowed (once homeowrk was done, violin was practiced) to do sports, play with friends etc. I grew up knowing that though my parents had very high expectations of me, they LOVED me, were PROUD of my accomplishments and would have done ANYTHING to help me succeed and be happy. YEs, there were some bumps in the road - particularly as an adolescent. I graduated from an Ivy, am a doctor and now have my own children. I will raise them with the SAME way and can only hope that I am half the parent my parents were. I am so THANKFUL for their dedication, expectations and sacrifice for me and feel that I will never be able to repay them. They were honest when I was not succeeding (why tell your children they are doing great by getting a B when you know they can do better?), they were proud when I did. Today, they still brag to anyone who will listen.

To the pp who said EQ is more important than IQ. That is simply not true. While you are more likely to succeed with a high IQ + EQ, you can definitely be successful with high IQ and low EQ. The reverse is simply not true. Also, for rhose that saying high expectations are damaging to children, that is also ridiculous. If you do not expect THE BEST and MOST out of your children and encourage and expect them to be the best at everything they do, who else will? I also think that once in a while it is OK to show your dissappointment as long as they know you love them.

Just my 2 cents.

Agree with this 100%. I'm married to an Arab who also has a similar view of setting very high expectations for kids (everyone in his family are doctors), but with a much more positive spin on the family relationship than what the article's author espouses. The only thing I'd watch, though, is sometimes your kid may only be capable of a B (or whatever), and that's OK. The overall lessons of instilling discipline, perseverance, and problem solving are as critical, if not more so, than the resulting letter grades. But then, my goal for my kids isn't Ivy League or nothing. We stress education, but not to that extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was fascinating. It's certainly going to get a lot of attention.

Chinese mothers are a bit like many first-generation immigrants - and they're also a bit like 1950s parents. I wonder if we've gotten a LITTLE too soft these days. (I'm the worst offender myself.)

She's also set up the same model for success as Malcolm Gladwell. Success begets praise, which begets more hard work and practice, which begets more success. A perfect circle. Only she does it by pushing her children mercilessly. We do it by redshirting!

And they both agree about practice. Success is all about practice. Talent and intelligence are virtually meaningless.

I enjoyed it even though I won't raise my own children that way.

Yeah, but it sure sounds like the success begets praise and LOVE, and that the love is contingent on success. Like her story about her daughter finally getting to snuggle with her after mastering the violin piece? It makes me so sad for the kid because the message I would take from that experience would be that my mother only loved me if I achieved.

[Anonymous]

The tone of the article encompasses exactly what is wrong with the author and her child-rearing style.

Arrogant, intolerant and abusive.

[Anonymous]

PP 10:15, I totally agree.

She is very dismissive of Western style parenting. But a lot of us succeeded without the conditional love style parenting that she grew up and is now inflicting on her daughters.

I went to college with a girl who was raised like this. She was even a child progidy, skipped grades in high school. She also had very little emotional maturity and doesn't have a successful personal life, to this day. But does she make big bucks? Yeah. And her parents still control her bank account...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a "happy medium". I grew up in an Indian family where I had the same expectations placed on me - straight A's, violin etc. While my parents did not always overtly say it, a B was a failure. I was also allowed (once homeowrk was done, violin was practiced) to do sports, play with friends etc. I grew up knowing that though my parents had very high expectations of me, they LOVED me, were PROUD of my accomplishments and would have done ANYTHING to help me succeed and be happy. YEs, there were some bumps in the road - particularly as an adolescent. I graduated from an Ivy, am a doctor and now have my own children. I will raise them with the SAME way and can only hope that I am half the parent my parents were. I am so THANKFUL for their dedication, expectations and sacrifice for me and feel that I will never be able to repay them. They were honest when I was not succeeding (why tell your children they are doing great by getting a B when you know they can do better?), they were proud when I did. Today, they still brag to anyone who will listen.

To the pp who said EQ is more important than IQ. That is simply not true. While you are more likely to succeed with a high IQ + EQ, you can definitely be successful with high IQ and low EQ. The reverse is simply not true. Also, for rhose that saying high expectations are damaging to children, that is also ridiculous. If you do not expect THE BEST and MOST out of your children and encourage and expect them to be the best at everything they do, who else will? I also think that once in a while it is OK to show your dissappointment as long as they know you love them.

Just my 2 cents.

you are completely wrong and you have obviously completely fallen for the line your parents/culture has fed you. Unless you're talking a really low IQ you can absolutely succeed with a high EG and a low(er) IQ. Some of the most successful, best liked, and even wealthiest people I know have EQs off the chart but have completely average IQs. I'd wager much of Hollywood/professional sports players have lower than average IQs as well.

To add to your point: In the US, we value creativity and personality, unfortunately in some cases over intelligence. Intelligence is often linked with elitism (look at our political climate!). Yes, you can become a doctor, lawyer, etc. on intelligence alone but the people who become the leaders of their profession (the most successful), the people who end up making a lot of money are the truly creative and/or high EQ. Do some research on leadership/presidential studies (besides physical appearance) charisma and creativity lands the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think her daughters, and others raised just like them, have Stockholm syndrome.

What is Stockholm syndrome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of the article encompasses exactly what is wrong with the author and her child-rearing style.

Arrogant, intolerant and abusive.

or she might be trying to sell some books

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I don't believe either of the author's children will go onto anything more than sub- par professional jobs even if they do manage to make it through grad school etc.

The elder daughter, 15, is already performing at Carengie Hall. I'm no fan of Tiger Bitch Mom, but performing at Carnegie is something almost no one will ever achieve in their lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sadly, I don't believe either of the author's children will go onto anything more than sub- par professional jobs even if they do manage to make it through grad school etc.

The elder daughter, 15, is already performing at Carengie Hall. I'm no fan of Tiger Bitch Mom, but performing at Carnegie is something almost no one will ever achieve in their lifetime.

But do you think the family's elite status helped some in getting her daughter the right opportunities?

[Anonymous]

Will New York audiences pay to hear so-so musicians and console themselves during the performance that at least her mom is a solid law professor?

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

Will New York audiences pay to hear so-so musicians and console themselves during the performance that at least her mom is a solid law professor?

I don't know about "console" exactly. But aren't all child prodigies kind of a novelty act?