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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it [/quote]

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.[/quote]

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities.  Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff.  But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc.  So then I would invite someone to that.  [/quote]

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything. [/quote]

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.[/quote]

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.[/quote]

I agree.

Something I struggle with when it comes to parent friendships is that many parents come on *very* strong in these friendships, I think because they are eager to set up family friendships that will get their kids paired off. For instance, we have had four different families who we barely knew (but our kids were in school and played together) propose joint vacations. This is wild to me. We do sometimes travel with friends, but especially when kids are involved, we have to know people pretty well to do something like share a vacation house. But we've had people invite us on joint travel who are still in my phone as "Maggie Dylan's mom" and I don't even know her last name. It just seems like some people want to rush the beginning part of a friendship when there are kids involved, I'm not totally sure why.

But then, yes, these same people will drop you completely if your kids interests change or you switch schools. I find it very strange. I can't imagine liking someone well enough to want to travel with them but then caring about them so little that if their son quit Little League I would be okay never speaking to them again. Yet I have encountered multiple couples like this during my kids' elementary careers.

This is why pretty much all of our close friends are people we knew before we had kids. This includes a number of people who also had kids around the same time, we we still have "family friends". But the friendship is based on years of knowledge and trust and good communication, not just the fact that we happen to have same age kids in the same school or activity. At this stage in my life, I'm not going to invest any time or energy in shallow friendships that could disappear in the changing of the tides. I consider those people friendly acquaintances and am happy to chat on the bleachers or spend a pleasant few hours volunteering for the school musical with them, but I don't really consider them friends.[/quote]

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