Bat Mitzvah gift from a Middle Income Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to JDS. I love that as parents, we all contribute to a fund, and the school provides a gift from the class. It's been a few years since my kids mitzvah's but it was a nominal--maybe $100 at the high end.

For those that don't know, 18 is chai in Hebrew. Chai also means life. When you give in increments of 18 you are wishing a blessing upon the recipient. So $36 = double chai or double life blessing.

From the parent POV, my kid just wants your kid to celebrate. They want to look out from the bima and see their friends supporting them in their big day. They want to know that someone will have their back if they screw up. Yes, almost every kid stumbles no matter how much they prepared and the beauty of this is that most of the friends don't know when mistakes happen. So my kid feels great and your kid has no idea that something went wrong.

The big parties are for the adults. The kid is the reason but the party really isn't for them. If it was, it would be a kid focused party, not a ballroom extravaganza. So don't worry about the gift. I promise you the jewish parents aren't keeping track and the kid really doesn't care. Your kid took time out of their weekend to celebrate--that's the gift.

Wasn't there someone complaining here recently bitterly how their father only gave a cufflinks gift and no money? I'd not be so sure nobody cares about the gift. Looks like there are some/many who keep track all right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids went to JDS. I love that as parents, we all contribute to a fund, and the school provides a gift from the class. It's been a few years since my kids mitzvah's but it was a nominal--maybe $100 at the high end.

For those that don't know, 18 is chai in Hebrew. Chai also means life. When you give in increments of 18 you are wishing a blessing upon the recipient. So $36 = double chai or double life blessing.

From the parent POV, my kid just wants your kid to celebrate. They want to look out from the bima and see their friends supporting them in their big day. They want to know that someone will have their back if they screw up. Yes, almost every kid stumbles no matter how much they prepared and the beauty of this is that most of the friends don't know when mistakes happen. So my kid feels great and your kid has no idea that something went wrong.

The big parties are for the adults. The kid is the reason but the party really isn't for them. If it was, it would be a kid focused party, not a ballroom extravaganza. So don't worry about the gift. I promise you the jewish parents aren't keeping track and the kid really doesn't care. Your kid took time out of their weekend to celebrate--that's the gift.

Wasn't there someone complaining here recently bitterly how their father only gave a cufflinks gift and no money? I'd not be so sure nobody cares about the gift. Looks like there are some/many who keep track all right.

I think that the cufflinks poster had issues with their father in general, plus the expectations for close family of the kid and the kid’s school friends are pretty different but also yes some people are petty about everything - the question is do you really want to bother to be in good graces of those people to your monetary detriment?

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for your responses. So what I'm getting is a cash gift is appropriate. Meaning - DD is not supposed to show up with a physical present like it's a kid's birthday or anything like that.

One other question - the invitation was for the jewish service and then the party after. I've heard from other people invited that they're just going to the party afterwards.

Just for us, I don't find that appropriate - from what I understand, DD's friend has spent a lot of time learning Hebrew and the religious verses, etc. - so I've made clear to DD she needs to show up for her friend and sit in the pews while she and her family have their moment. Admittedly, I'm not Jewish but I don't want my daughter just showing up at the after party.

The reason I raise this is because the invitation was to my daughter and the after party is in the evening. I'm just wondering - should I drop my daughter off at the synagogue and wait outside and pick her up after or is it okay if I go in and sit with her.

Obviously, I'm not proposing to attend the party itself - I'm just trying understand the protocol for the religious service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Because $20 is how much you spend on a 1st graders gift. Not on a 13 yr old who has spent years working towards this very important religious milestone.

I spend $10-15 on elementary school gifts. Stop being greedy. Its not about the gifts.

[Anonymous]

$36 bucks. Done. My girl/boy twins were invited to 30-40 Mitzvahs. Sometimes if it was one twin I gave $18.
Don't overthink it and it's not about the cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your responses. So what I'm getting is a cash gift is appropriate. Meaning - DD is not supposed to show up with a physical present like it's a kid's birthday or anything like that.

One other question - the invitation was for the jewish service and then the party after. I've heard from other people invited that they're just going to the party afterwards.

Just for us, I don't find that appropriate - from what I understand, DD's friend has spent a lot of time learning Hebrew and the religious verses, etc. - so I've made clear to DD she needs to show up for her friend and sit in the pews while she and her family have their moment. Admittedly, I'm not Jewish but I don't want my daughter just showing up at the after party.

The reason I raise this is because the invitation was to my daughter and the after party is in the evening. I'm just wondering - should I drop my daughter off at the synagogue and wait outside and pick her up after or is it okay if I go in and sit with her.

Obviously, I'm not proposing to attend the party itself - I'm just trying understand the protocol for the religious service.

Both your original post and this show that you are a lovely person for knowing that your daughter shouldn't just show up at night. In terms of the service, if you want to attend I'd reach out to the family first (sadly, because of security protocols your name may need to be on a list) and express your interest in attending the because you've never been. That certainly is not expected, especially if DD might want to sit with school friends.

Rather then wait in the parking lot can you go somewhere nearby (again, tight security needs in the Jewish community) and have DD call you. Typically after the service there is a kiddush, a casual gathering for those in attendance--typically just light food / drinks. For logistics, it means there will be time for DD to get in touch with you. All in, the morning part is likely 1.5-2hrs (at least), and you could check with the family if they have a sense as to when to pick DD up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Because $20 is how much you spend on a 1st graders gift. Not on a 13 yr old who has spent years working towards this very important religious milestone.

I spend $10-15 on elementary school gifts. Stop being greedy. Its not about the gifts.

What's the deal with the implication that PP was a recipient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Because $20 is how much you spend on a 1st graders gift. Not on a 13 yr old who has spent years working towards this very important religious milestone.

I spend $10-15 on elementary school gifts. Stop being greedy. Its not about the gifts.

10 to 15 is fine for a regualr elementary school bday gift, this is a major life event. If you can't afford it, thats fine, and I'm sure no one would shame you. However, the OP stated that they are not poor, so a $20 gift is pretty low. I think some denomination of 18, like $54 should be a good number - if the kids are really good friends, then maybe more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$36 bucks. Done. My girl/boy twins were invited to 30-40 Mitzvahs. Sometimes if it was one twin I gave $18.
Don't overthink it and it's not about the cash.

So cheap

[Anonymous]

Op, yes, good call that your child should attend the service- that is the important part. You are absolutely fine to attend the service as well. I would welcome parents of my child’s friends to the service - it’s a sign of respect and a good learning experience for you to get a better idea of what it’s all about, and what makes this more than just a birthday celebration. When I attend a service where my kid is invited but I’m not, I don’t sit with my child, as the friends usually sit together (yes, that means I’m sometimes sitting awkwardly alone if I don’t know other families, but seriously no one is judging). Most parents do drop off though, so it’s really your choice. I wouldn’t sit in the lobby, but dropping off and picking up later is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your responses. So what I'm getting is a cash gift is appropriate. Meaning - DD is not supposed to show up with a physical present like it's a kid's birthday or anything like that.

One other question - the invitation was for the jewish service and then the party after. I've heard from other people invited that they're just going to the party afterwards.

Just for us, I don't find that appropriate - from what I understand, DD's friend has spent a lot of time learning Hebrew and the religious verses, etc. - so I've made clear to DD she needs to show up for her friend and sit in the pews while she and her family have their moment. Admittedly, I'm not Jewish but I don't want my daughter just showing up at the after party.

The reason I raise this is because the invitation was to my daughter and the after party is in the evening. I'm just wondering - should I drop my daughter off at the synagogue and wait outside and pick her up after or is it okay if I go in and sit with her.

Obviously, I'm not proposing to attend the party itself - I'm just trying understand the protocol for the religious service.

Yes it’s definitely more respectful/appropriate for your daughter to attend both the service and the party. However we had some kid friends only attend the party so it isn’t uncommon.

Often parents drop off the kids at the service and pick up (sorry it’s a drop off pick up heavy day) but we had some parents, like you, interested in attending the service which is totally lovely and you’d be completely welcome. The service is open to the congregation/community anyway. Ours lasts around 2 hours, some are longer or shorter. Just wear something that covers your shoulders (no spaghetti straps).

[Anonymous]

OP--the service is open to all. Your child will want to sit in the "kids section" with the mitzvah childs friends. They will not want to sit with you.

A few other things to remember--the gift can either be mailed to the house or brought to the party. It should not be brought to the service. Jews do not handle money on the sabbath.

When the congregation rises, it's a sign of respect. This is not the time to excuse yourself to go to the restroom. You do that when the congregation is seated. The service can range from 2-3.5hrs depending on the shul so excusing yourself is not uncommon.

The service has 3 parts. Very loosely, there is 1)morning prayer 2) torah service 3) afternoon prayer. On Sat, they all blend into each other which is why you end up with a 3.5 hrs service. The important part for a mitzvah is the torah service. Morning services might start around 9:30 with the torah service starting at 10. Many, many people will show up for the torah service and skip morning prayer. This is okay and acceptable. Most people stay for the afternoon service since it follows the torah service and then comes kiddish (lunch).

Someone above suggested your daughter call you when the service is over. Jews do not use electronics in shul on the sabbath. She needs to silence her phone and then walk outside to call you.

As far as transportation--carpools are wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your responses. So what I'm getting is a cash gift is appropriate. Meaning - DD is not supposed to show up with a physical present like it's a kid's birthday or anything like that.

One other question - the invitation was for the jewish service and then the party after. I've heard from other people invited that they're just going to the party afterwards.

Just for us, I don't find that appropriate - from what I understand, DD's friend has spent a lot of time learning Hebrew and the religious verses, etc. - so I've made clear to DD she needs to show up for her friend and sit in the pews while she and her family have their moment. Admittedly, I'm not Jewish but I don't want my daughter just showing up at the after party.

The reason I raise this is because the invitation was to my daughter and the after party is in the evening. I'm just wondering - should I drop my daughter off at the synagogue and wait outside and pick her up after or is it okay if I go in and sit with her.

Obviously, I'm not proposing to attend the party itself - I'm just trying understand the protocol for the religious service.

Why would you wait outside the temple? Just drop her off and leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, fine for you to attend service or drop off. Your kid should attend the service unless there is a conflict that’s pre-communicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why would you wait outside the temple? Just drop her off and leave.

Because the party was hours after the synagogue service and neither the synagogue nor the after party location is close to where we live.

TBH, I wasn't going literally sit right outside the synagogue with my car running for an hour - but i was just wondering what to do about pickup/drop off.

In any event - for those wondering - it's been figured out. There a section for the classmates to sit in and then another mom is hosting the immediate classmates at her house and then carpooling everyone to the party. (and we've all been given a time to pick up our kids at the end).

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. This will be a fun experience for DD.