Bat Mitzvah gift from a Middle Income Family

[Anonymous]

How much of a gift have people done when invited as a family?

[Anonymous]

First of all, teach your dd never to compare her gift to that of others. It’s between her and the recipient, and it depends on her personal relationship with the recipient. My kids are also at a pretty ritzy dc private. My kids give $54 if it’s a closeish friend. $36 if they’re not friends at all but the entire grade is invited. More (in a multiple of $18) in the rare instance it’s a very very close friend. If they are at all close friends, I always have them write a nice note, too.

[Anonymous]

Our whole family was invited but we aren’t close. We didn’t go. We sent $54.00.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of a gift have people done when invited as a family?

We give $100 per family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Completely agree. It also gives the impression there are odd, arcane "rules" you must follow. For school friends, give a birthday present level gift. Some people will want to give more. That's fine. But no one expects it of school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Me too. Never heard of it till recent years. It's definitely not a requirement just a tradition in some groups apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

[Anonymous]

Have been Bat Mitzvaed, oldest daughter has been Bat Mitzvaed, younger one is preparing for it. Big gifts are for family and very very close adult friends. Nobody sane would expect a kid to give a giant gift. $50 is more than fine (and no need to do multiples of 9 either; you aren’t Jewish, nobody would expect it.)

Also, if the friend is a decent kid, it will all be a non issue. I genuinely don’t remember what my oldest DD’s friends gave her in terms of non money/gift cards and the amounts of any money/gift cards and neither does she but I know none of it was crazy huge and was happy at the time with all of it.

[Anonymous]

I would say $36.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Honestly, I was waiting for someone to say that. I would never be insulted by any gift. The $20 was a long time ago....we didn't make $20 an hour at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Because $20 is how much you spend on a 1st graders gift. Not on a 13 yr old who has spent years working towards this very important religious milestone.

[Anonymous]

This is not all that complicated to require a special thread.

$50 gift cards, amazon/ sephora/vic secret.
Less that $50 is too little, over $50 is not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A check for $100 if she’s the only one in your family going.

Not $100. Cash / gift cards should be multiples of $18. So $72, $90, or $108.

Been Jewish my whole life, had a bat mitzvah, my kid had a bat mitzvah -- this whole "multiples of 18" thing feels like Cinquo de Mayo -- a legit cultural phenomenon among some groups that became wildly overblown with the internet. FYI.

Same experience and feeling here.

Oh good! Years ago, I was invited to my first bat mitzvah - the daughter of a friend from work. I put a $20 bill in a card and have wondered if I caused some sort of cultural insult all these years later.

Only giving $20 was the insult.

Why would you think/say that!

Because $20 is how much you spend on a 1st graders gift. Not on a 13 yr old who has spent years working towards this very important religious milestone.

so the point is the amount of the gift? Not the religious milestone? I disagree- no wonder the OP is asking, and thankfully getting, some solid advice. This poster said it was years ago -that could have been more than a birthday gift at the time.

[Anonymous]

My kids went to JDS. I love that as parents, we all contribute to a fund, and the school provides a gift from the class. It's been a few years since my kids mitzvah's but it was a nominal--maybe $100 at the high end.

For those that don't know, 18 is chai in Hebrew. Chai also means life. When you give in increments of 18 you are wishing a blessing upon the recipient. So $36 = double chai or double life blessing.

From the parent POV, my kid just wants your kid to celebrate. They want to look out from the bima and see their friends supporting them in their big day. They want to know that someone will have their back if they screw up. Yes, almost every kid stumbles no matter how much they prepared and the beauty of this is that most of the friends don't know when mistakes happen. So my kid feels great and your kid has no idea that something went wrong.

The big parties are for the adults. The kid is the reason but the party really isn't for them. If it was, it would be a kid focused party, not a ballroom extravaganza. So don't worry about the gift. I promise you the jewish parents aren't keeping track and the kid really doesn't care. Your kid took time out of their weekend to celebrate--that's the gift.