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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.[/quote]

This is a nutty take. You need to think about the ways adult partner relationships are different from parent-child relationships.

The sister is divorcing because of her husband's [i]behavior[/i]. Kids with cowlicks don't think their divorced mom hates them because dad also has a cowlick - they are perfectly capable of seeing that the divorce is about the two married people and the way those people behave.

Also, so far as we know, the DH has no diagnosis. OP thinks he's undiagnosed and on the spectrum, and it's pretty common for romantic partners to get fed up with their apparently-ND partners refusing to seek a diagnosis or any help, a situation which is only highlighted by the help she is presumably getting her diagnosed son so that he can develop relationship and life skills. But even if that's the case, the DH's "condition" is not the reason for the divorce. His behavior is. (BTW, nobody is diagnosed with "Asperger's anymore, that is an outdated term.)[/quote]

That sounds rational but children don't always internalize parents' actions rationally. Also neurodivergent mental states cause divergent behaviour.  There is no clean isolation between diagnosis and behavior; the diagnosis is primarily based on behavioral symptoms. At best the son will develop coping skills to minimize his symptoms. He will mostly be "performing" normalcy. There is a good chance he will see his mother's rejection of his father as a rejection of his true self. Maybe it's not fair but he's not operating from a place or abstract detachment--no children are.[/quote]

Okay, assume this is correct.

Now ask what the son learns if his mom stays in a marriage where she does all the work, is expected to essentially parent her husband, and where she feels miserable and unfulfilled because she is always in service to both her husband and child. What does the son learn about relationships, what expectations might he have for a future partner if that is what he sees? Is that really a preferable outcome? I don't think it is, not for the mom, or the son, or anyone the son might be with in the future. It might be preferable for the dad, but that's it.

But I also disagree with your premise that the son will automatically view the divorce as a rejection of his "true self." That assumes that all people with ASD have the same true self. They don't. And a good mom will make it clear to her son that (1) his dad's life is not automatically the son's fate -- they can and almost definitely will have different experiences that will shape them in different ways, and (2) her rejection of his father within the context of a romantic marriage is totally independent of her maternal love for her son. Because that's true. And if she shows and expresses that enough to her son, *that* is what he will internalize. Not an assumption that because his mom divorced his ASD dad, then his mom must not love her ASD son. [/quote]

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