Now in early 40s, wish I had had another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, everyone has regrets about things. Deep regrets even. It's OK to wish you'd had a third child. But you can't do anything about it, so like any other regret you just acknowledge its presence and tuck it away and get on with your life. And every once in a while, you take it out and sit with your regret for a bit and feel bad and then you put it away again. And usually over time you take it out less frequently and when you do the bad feeling is less intense.

There are often posts on this topic, "how can I get over feeling this way?" The only way is time. Yep, you're unhappy about it and you might be unhappy about it for a while. It's OK. You'll be OK.

+100

- Wanted three, ended up with two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 41 with a 12, 10 and 7 year old. It was easier when they were little and had no activities. Now with 3 we are extremely busy. Every day, every weekend, etc. Yes, we could limit the stress with one activity per kid, but I don’t know ANY kid that only does 1 activity. My kids love all that they do (minus RSM) and want always more. It’s exhausting… really. When we decided to have a third, my eldest was in 1 swim class a week. Life was so easy!

This response deserves a star for representing all that is wrong with modern parenting. Truly cannot even fathom being in a position where I am making family planning decisions based on how many sports the neighborhood kids are in. Just unbelievably bad ethical values you’re instilling. Thanks for not instilling that in more kids, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, everyone has regrets about things. Deep regrets even. It's OK to wish you'd had a third child. But you can't do anything about it, so like any other regret you just acknowledge its presence and tuck it away and get on with your life. And every once in a while, you take it out and sit with your regret for a bit and feel bad and then you put it away again. And usually over time you take it out less frequently and when you do the bad feeling is less intense.

There are often posts on this topic, "how can I get over feeling this way?" The only way is time. Yep, you're unhappy about it and you might be unhappy about it for a while. It's OK. You'll be OK.

+100

- Wanted three, ended up with two

+ me too. DH and I are both 48 and we have a 12 yo and a 10 yo. We really wanted a third, were actively trying, then covid and everything else ended that. I'll always wonder and don't think it fully goes away, but now it's mellowed into the same kind of regret as other life decisions that have gone another way. I also feel like my hands are full with two working parents, two tweens, and a dog, and see the other side of it too - our kids are in a great, independent spot, our family travels easily, doesn't require more than a sedan (we have SUVs anyway), and we have plenty of room in our small house.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my mid-40s and also always wanted a third, but DH did not. I come from a big family. I still wish I had more kids, but here’s what has helped:
1) Time. The regret slowly diminishes.
2). Focusing on enjoying the kids I have and realizing that lamenting not having more will only ruin my enjoyment of the kids I do have.
3) Trying to be grateful for what/who I have. I have friends my age who would love to have a family, but haven’t found the right partner, friends with one child who would have loved more, etc. I know that I am lucky.

It didn’t help for me to think about how inconvenient babies are or how expensive kids are. Maybe those things help some people.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These last few posts are helpful. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting to me that the OP is basically asking for helping find peace with her existing family size yet so many posts are about revisiting the issue and trying for a third.

Anyhow:

I think some percentage of what you're experiencing is simply related to being 40. It's the time in life where we can look ahead and see that certain doors are closed--it's different from when we looked ahead in our 20s and 30s. Life is so much about possibilities and potential then.

So, here you are. Some doors are closed (child #3). Some doors are open. Which open doors are most exciting to you?

Because you didn't walk through the child #3 door, you have some cool, different doors available to you--because you have more time and bandwidth than you would if you'd had a third. So let's talk about doors that have to do with more bandwidth/time/money and explore how to be happier and more fulfilled in general.

Do you think you'd like to travel more? Do you think you'd like to find a hobby or volunteering setup that would be really satisfying? Is there education or training that would make your career more fulfilling?

How about finding some cool family traditions? One of the awesome things about having 2 adults and 2 kids is that it's very easy to divide and each get 1:1 time with a kid. Maybe you'll start a tradition of taking 1:1 weekend trips a few times a year. Or maybe one adult/kid pair can go to a movie or museum or bowling and the other one stays in and makes dinner and plays a game or watches a movie.

How are the college funds? Retirement? Are there any adjustments you'd like to make?

Social life? It's important to have friends and time to nurture those friendships.

I know it's cliche to add a pet instead of a kid, but if you really feel you have more love to give it's a great thing to do. For a new dog you'd probably want to wait 2-3 years (probably could do a cat sooner) but a pet is definitely something that can add a lot of love and joy to your life.

Your kids are so young. I know it's hard to imagine it today, but I promise that your life will feel very full as you move forward into the school age years/teen years. I think you just need to spend some time really dreaming about the future for you and your family of four and really getting excited about all the lovely stuff that's ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to be a granny mom?

Why not? Plenty of people around here have their parents practically raising their children while they work. People have different levels of health and energy in life.

[Anonymous]

So sad

[Anonymous]

My kids were born when DH and I were 40 and 43. We'll be in our early 60s when they graduate from high school. We're both in excellent health and fit, so that of course helps a lot. There's no reason we can't retire when we want to because we have enough in savings to set aside a healthy amount for college or grad school and still have a similar monthly income to what we have now. We'll almost certainly be retired long before our kids finish college and/or grad school. What if we had had our kids in our 20s instead of in our 40s? We'd have kids in high school and preparing to go to college when we were both working long hours and much more financially stressed. Of course there's something appealing about having the kids launched into adulthood while you're still in your 40s, but on our timeline it has also worked out very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s biological and normal. Your body knows the window is closing. You’ll feel better in a few years.

The teen years are exhausting, even with very good kids and you’ll be glad there’s only two.

I wish more people would understand it this way. That’s what it is. It isn’t some grand sign from the universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting to me that the OP is basically asking for helping find peace with her existing family size yet so many posts are about revisiting the issue and trying for a third.

Anyhow:

I think some percentage of what you're experiencing is simply related to being 40. It's the time in life where we can look ahead and see that certain doors are closed--it's different from when we looked ahead in our 20s and 30s. Life is so much about possibilities and potential then.

So, here you are. Some doors are closed (child #3). Some doors are open. Which open doors are most exciting to you?

Because you didn't walk through the child #3 door, you have some cool, different doors available to you--because you have more time and bandwidth than you would if you'd had a third. So let's talk about doors that have to do with more bandwidth/time/money and explore how to be happier and more fulfilled in general.

Do you think you'd like to travel more? Do you think you'd like to find a hobby or volunteering setup that would be really satisfying? Is there education or training that would make your career more fulfilling?

How about finding some cool family traditions? One of the awesome things about having 2 adults and 2 kids is that it's very easy to divide and each get 1:1 time with a kid. Maybe you'll start a tradition of taking 1:1 weekend trips a few times a year. Or maybe one adult/kid pair can go to a movie or museum or bowling and the other one stays in and makes dinner and plays a game or watches a movie.

How are the college funds? Retirement? Are there any adjustments you'd like to make?

Social life? It's important to have friends and time to nurture those friendships.

I know it's cliche to add a pet instead of a kid, but if you really feel you have more love to give it's a great thing to do. For a new dog you'd probably want to wait 2-3 years (probably could do a cat sooner) but a pet is definitely something that can add a lot of love and joy to your life.

Your kids are so young. I know it's hard to imagine it today, but I promise that your life will feel very full as you move forward into the school age years/teen years. I think you just need to spend some time really dreaming about the future for you and your family of four and really getting excited about all the lovely stuff that's ahead.

OP here. Thank you, this feels filled with wise perspective and hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no husband or partner, and I have 0 children.

You can talk to your husband and tell him that you would really like to try for another child.
Perhaps he will agree.

If he does not agree, then you can divorce him and try to find a new partner and have a child with that partner.
Or you can try for a child on your own, and then you will have three children.

How did you up on on DCUM then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s biological and normal. Your body knows the window is closing. You’ll feel better in a few years.

The teen years are exhausting, even with very good kids and you’ll be glad there’s only two.

I wish more people would understand it this way. That’s what it is. It isn’t some grand sign from the universe.

For some people, sure. But many of us on this thread have expressed that we always wanted three kids, not suddenly wanted three in our 40s. It’s not always just hormones.

[Anonymous]

I've had two friend lose their babies, uteruses and almost lives with preE in their mid 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s biological and normal. Your body knows the window is closing. You’ll feel better in a few years.

The teen years are exhausting, even with very good kids and you’ll be glad there’s only two.

I wish more people would understand it this way. That’s what it is. It isn’t some grand sign from the universe.

For some people, sure. But many of us on this thread have expressed that we always wanted three kids, not suddenly wanted three in our 40s. It’s not always just hormones.

But in this case, OP is looking for a way to think her way out of having wanted a third kid that her husband veto’d. It should help her to think of it this way rather than as a checklist or wishlist she was not able to accomplish.

Some people pre-plan the number of kids they want, some wait and see the conditions on the ground. It looks like her husband saw the conditions on the ground and decided he didn’t want a third. And now, her title says she’s in her early 40’s, and she’s feeling a lot of yearning for another child. Even if she pre-planned 3, and previously grieved not achieving the checklist number of kids she wanted, there’s a good chance there’s a hormonal component to the strength of yer yearning at her age. Having kids is, after all, a deeply biological and hormonal drive.

If she thinks of it that way, the number of kids she ended up with can go into the bucket of “things I wanted but didn’t get because biology had other plans.” Example: “I always wanted a sister,” or “I always wanted a daughter” Trying to control the outcome of biological processes is a fools errand. Some people get lucky and knock out exactly the number and gender of kids they wished for their whole lives (!) But many do not, and it can help to reframe it in this way.