Now in early 40s, wish I had had another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, everyone has regrets about things. Deep regrets even. It's OK to wish you'd had a third child. But you can't do anything about it, so like any other regret you just acknowledge its presence and tuck it away and get on with your life. And every once in a while, you take it out and sit with your regret for a bit and feel bad and then you put it away again. And usually over time you take it out less frequently and when you do the bad feeling is less intense.

There are often posts on this topic, "how can I get over feeling this way?" The only way is time. Yep, you're unhappy about it and you might be unhappy about it for a while. It's OK. You'll be OK.

Really agree. Also, really wanting to reproduce toward the end of fertility is partly biological. With time it passes.

Also, I’m trying to be practical here, not just a downer—you might not realize it if your oldest is only 6, but there are plenty of big regrets that will come your way regarding parenthood. You have to be able to move past them.

[Anonymous]

I do not have any advice to offer. It is very normal to feel like this as your reproductive window is closing and happens to most of us. Hugs.

I have just one. I had him in my 30's and my partner was not supportive of the pregnancy or parenthood in general. When my little one was just a toddler, I ended up with cancer, and that was the end of any dreams I had of more children.

I am divorced now and have a good life with my child. In many ways, I'm thankful things worked out as they did. Occasionally I think "what if..." and then, the feeling passes. Enjoy your health and all of the wonderful gifts you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both kids are young (under 6). We started late.

You could still have another.

I had the third and after she was born, my oldest was diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Let me tell you that holding my breath in the 16 months since she has been born waiting to see if she’ll also be on the spectrum, and if so, how severe that might be, has been incredibly stressful. I know my circumstances are unique but be sure to consider how much you’re romanticizing the fantasy of having a third as opposed to weighing the possibility of special needs and what that would do to your family dynamic, other children and careers.

Plus it’s hard logistically and very expensive financially! I am hoping it’s a good things for my kids in the long run but I feel guilty all the time trying to balance a full time career and the needs of my 3 kids. The grass might look greener but there are definite benefits to sticking with 2 - if it helps you feel better.

If not, you could still go for the third. Your older 2 are pretty young. I would not want to have a baby in my forties if I could avoid it. My third was born at 35 and I feel older this time around as an aging parent of two older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice for helping an early 40s mother (still) regretting not having a third child?

When I asked my husband a few years ago if he wanted a third, he felt we shouldn’t - so we didn’t. I was sad, but we have a happy marriage, and I feel strongly that both parents should be aligned in how many children they have (acknowledging, of course, that surprises happen).

I know I must move on and, biologically, I have accepted it’s unwise for me to have another.

Grateful for any advice to help me feel whole, to accept this and move on.

Every family has its final number, and you have reached yours. It's natural to mourn the third child that never was, but count your blessings with your other 2 and raise them so they will give you grandchildren sooner than later. Please be well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no husband or partner, and I have 0 children.

You can talk to your husband and tell him that you would really like to try for another child.
Perhaps he will agree.

If he does not agree, then you can divorce him and try to find a new partner and have a child with that partner.
Or you can try for a child on your own, and then you will have three children.

How did you up on on DCUM then?

Many interesting threads and discussions here, for us non-parents too!
Discussions about politics, pop culture, houses, travel, dogs, etc.

[Anonymous]

The above post was in answer to a question about me not being a parent but still posting on DCUM.