Now in early 40s, wish I had had another child

[Anonymous]

I am 41 with a 12, 10 and 7 year old. It was easier when they were little and had no activities. Now with 3 we are extremely busy. Every day, every weekend, etc. Yes, we could limit the stress with one activity per kid, but I don’t know ANY kid that only does 1 activity. My kids love all that they do (minus RSM) and want always more. It’s exhausting… really. When we decided to have a third, my eldest was in 1 swim class a week. Life was so easy!

[Anonymous]

You want to be a granny mom?

[Anonymous]

I decided to stop at 2 when my oldest had a rare medical condition. I had an “oops” pregnancy at 39 and it ended in miscarriage. But I had wanted the baby and I told DH I would like a third. He said no. And that was that. I think it’s pretty common that one parent wants a third and the other doesn’t feel the can handle that. It’s ok. You’re a team and you both have to be all in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the line of thinking that gives me the most pause, aside from the elevated risk of abnormalities.

If I had a child now, I would be 63(ish) when they graduate from college - and may not be around when they have children. That thought makes me uncomfortable enough not to do it.

But then I think about the gift of giving my child another sibling as they grow up and who would become a core friend to them in adulthood, and I rethink having only two.

OP I am 63 now and my oldest is graduating this year from college. I still have one in high school. It never occurred to me that I may not be around when they have children. What does that have to do with anything? It is the here and now that matters; everything else is out of your control.

[Anonymous]

You're too damned old to have another baby at it would be selfish and frankly immature to do it. Babies aren't puppies. There's more to parenting than having cute little kids. You ain't seen nothing yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice for helping an early 40s mother (still) regretting not having a third child?

When I asked my husband a few years ago if he wanted a third, he felt we shouldn’t - so we didn’t. I was sad, but we have a happy marriage, and I feel strongly that both parents should be aligned in how many children they have (acknowledging, of course, that surprises happen).

I know I must move on and, biologically, I have accepted it’s unwise for me to have another.

Grateful for any advice to help me feel whole, to accept this and move on.

what are your reasonings for wanting a third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 and love it. But is exhausting. I am 42 with a 11, 9 and 6 year old. I cannot fathom starting over again with a baby. I mean it’s doable but you will be 50 with a 10 year old. I am a decade younger and my 11 year old is giving me gray hair already.

+2

Im 40 with an 11, a 9, and a 3yo. Delusionally, I still wonder about having a new baby, but realistically I know it would not be a good idea for any of us: physically/mentally/emotionally for me (pregnancy and post-partum are very hard on me), logistically, financially, etc.

Hard to see any true upsides, but I can empathize OP. You’re not just saying no to another kid, you’re watching yourself move on from your fertile period. It’s a loss.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks all.

I’ve accepted I don’t want to be in my mid 60s when my third graduates from college (which is what I’d be, if we had a third), so we we’re not having another.

Looking to learn from others who grieved not having more children at this phase in life, to learn how you learned to accept and move on.

[Anonymous]

Have another! Life is too short for regrets.

My dh was very on board for #3. Shes so wonderful and we love her, but it’s been hard. Maybe because we’re older. We’ve really cherished her milestones though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks all.

I’ve accepted I don’t want to be in my mid 60s when my third graduates from college (which is what I’d be, if we had a third), so we we’re not having another.

Looking to learn from others who grieved not having more children at this phase in life, to learn how you learned to accept and move on.

I think you just have to look forward. So many wonderful things as kids get older. Traveling is so much easier with 2. And soon they’ll be doing grown up things with you. A new baby would mean you’re back stuck taking care of a baby instead of playing with the older ones.

But yes, a loss of a wonderful time in your life. I miss newborns so much. I just sat and nursed them all day. I loved their chubbiness. It’s okay to remember but still love the kids you have now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice for helping an early 40s mother (still) regretting not having a third child?

When I asked my husband a few years ago if he wanted a third, he felt we shouldn’t - so we didn’t. I was sad, but we have a happy marriage, and I feel strongly that both parents should be aligned in how many children they have (acknowledging, of course, that surprises happen).

I know I must move on and, biologically, I have accepted it’s unwise for me to have another.

Grateful for any advice to help me feel whole, to accept this and move on.

Volunteer somewhere you can hold babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks all.

I’ve accepted I don’t want to be in my mid 60s when my third graduates from college (which is what I’d be, if we had a third), so we we’re not having another.

Looking to learn from others who grieved not having more children at this phase in life, to learn how you learned to accept and move on.

You just get up and get through each day. Things get busy. Teenagers bring new challenges, and if you have headstrong kids like I do, then new anxiety too. That's when I really became grateful that we stopped when we did. I found elementary years to be the most enjoyable and easiest. That sounds like where you are in in life, so get into your grove and enjoy it! Plan a vacation that involves no toddlers or babies. Go places, do things, explore. Live your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your oldest child is 6 there’s still time to have a third.

I don’t know. At that age mothers constantly talk about how tired they are. If you were 15 years younger no problem. But with two little kids already it would be really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have another! Life is too short for regrets.

My dh was very on board for #3. Shes so wonderful and we love her, but it’s been hard. Maybe because we’re older. We’ve really cherished her milestones though.

You're telling her to have the third but admit it's been hard? Weird advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not too late for you to have another. Instead of trying to force yourself to accept not having one, lay out all the pros and cons. If you are still thinking of having another, you probably won’t be happy to not have it unless you found strong reasons not to have a third.

DH not being on board IS a strong reason not to have a third.

This is also why I have 2. Felt the same. I focus on the stronger bond I can have with my 2 and how disruptive it would be for their lives if a third were to arrive.