Now in early 40s, wish I had had another child

[Anonymous]

Just go ahead and have it. You’ll figure it out. Some people are just meant to have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not too late for you to have another. Instead of trying to force yourself to accept not having one, lay out all the pros and cons. If you are still thinking of having another, you probably won’t be happy to not have it unless you found strong reasons not to have a third.

DH not being on board IS a strong reason not to have a third.

[Anonymous]

Be happy with two because many of us couldn’t get even one let alone two.

[Anonymous]

I work part time and I barely have enough time to give fully to two tween/teen ages, and help manage their very full schedules. Everything gets more intense as they get older- homework, sports, commitments to certain activities, driving them around. I think I’m a very good mom to two kids but I don’t think I would be as good of a mom to three kids because I would be stretched too thin.

[Anonymous]

This is the line of thinking that gives me the most pause, aside from the elevated risk of abnormalities.

If I had a child now, I would be 63(ish) when they graduate from college - and may not be around when they have children. That thought makes me uncomfortable enough not to do it.

But then I think about the gift of giving my child another sibling as they grow up and who would become a core friend to them in adulthood, and I rethink having only two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be happy with two because many of us couldn’t get even one let alone two.

OP here, I appreciate this and am grateful. Wishing you well. <3

[Anonymous]

Why are people telling OP that it’s not too late and to go ahead and do it. You would really insist on having another child if your dh was against it? That wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people telling OP that it’s not too late and to go ahead and do it. You would really insist on having another child if your dh was against it? That wild.

No one said that; I assume they figured OP’s thinking was the first step in the process. I explicitly said she should have another conversation with her spouse.

[Anonymous]

I mean, everyone has regrets about things. Deep regrets even. It's OK to wish you'd had a third child. But you can't do anything about it, so like any other regret you just acknowledge its presence and tuck it away and get on with your life. And every once in a while, you take it out and sit with your regret for a bit and feel bad and then you put it away again. And usually over time you take it out less frequently and when you do the bad feeling is less intense.

There are often posts on this topic, "how can I get over feeling this way?" The only way is time. Yep, you're unhappy about it and you might be unhappy about it for a while. It's OK. You'll be OK.

[Anonymous]

I have no husband or partner, and I have 0 children.

You can talk to your husband and tell him that you would really like to try for another child.
Perhaps he will agree.

If he does not agree, then you can divorce him and try to find a new partner and have a child with that partner.
Or you can try for a child on your own, and then you will have three children.

[Anonymous]

I also felt that way for a while, but then made my peace with it. I will always wonder, “What if?” but DH was not on board and now with more time, I see how it could have been good, but also how it could have had some serious downsides.

Additionally, I am one of three and there has been a lot of adult sibling drama recently. With two, it’s less complicated to sort out who will do what as parents get older.

[Anonymous]

In the same boat. I am resentful of my husband. I thought it would get easier with time, but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Do you think you and your husband might be open to adopting in the future? Does he not want another child at all, or is it the baby years?A few years from now when you have an oldest that's 9 or 10 and I am guessing a second close behind, would you consider a six year old (ish)? There are so many "waiting children." If your family still feels incomplete this might be another path for you.

[Anonymous]

It is difficult to have regrets. I think that when people are regretting something, they usually magnify the positive aspects of a situation and minimize the negative. I am 42 and have three children—12, 9, 6. There are some significant downsides to having three especially the amount of funds required, and how not being a cookie cutter family of four makes travel a lot more difficult. I hope you are able to move past this and enjoy the two children you do have.

[Anonymous]

I’m 46 with 14 and 16 year olds and still kind of regret not going for the third and some part of me likely always will. It’s something I’ve just had to make as much peace with as I can. We definitely are able to do more fun stuff and provide more financial support only having two, and I have two siblings with third kids with pretty severe special needs. I’ll always be a little wistful but Trey to focus on the good.