Would you tell dd to call less?

[Anonymous]

Put her on FaceTime camera while you prep and eat dinner or watch same tv show together so you don't have to force conversation but can still provide comforting presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

After reading your replies, what you’re not modeling is empathy. Your DD may have social anxiety and if you don’t it’s very hard to relate to what she’s going through. She’s reaching out because she’s struggling. Would she be open to seeing a therapist when she’s home for summer break? That could really help her develop some tools that can help her going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

After reading your replies, what you’re not modeling is empathy. Your DD may have social anxiety and if you don’t it’s very hard to relate to what she’s going through. She’s reaching out because she’s struggling. Would she be open to seeing a therapist when she’s home for summer break? That could really help her develop some tools that can help her going forward.

I have a lot of empathy in the sense I do get that it upsets her, and I do talk to her daily, extensively, try to play cheerleader, but imagine your child coming to you with the same problem for years and doing the opposite of what they say they want to do. It's true I am very frustrated. I do try not to show it and shift conversation but I am a human being on top of being a mom. I think that level of complaining and rejecting help would get to anyone.

As for therapy, I sent her a list of therapists near her at college as well as one for home, months ago. I have mentioned to her that it might be a good idea. She has not contacted them. When she didn't like therapy with the initial therapist back in high school I told her she could switch and she said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be so hurt if my mom at any time in life told me I couldn’t call her daily if I needed to. Just want to put it out there. Sorry it’s a difficult time for all but this will be temporary.

+ 1

Do NOT tell her to call less.

[Anonymous]

OP this isn't just her struggle. You find it hard to be an emotional support for her and you worry a lot about enabling. If you want to be able to be there for her in a way that you think is helpful, then I would suggest sorting it out with a therapist. It would probably just be a few sessions or an occasional session.

If it's too much for you, then you need to figure out what boundaries you want, but keep in mind it may change the relationship. I had a mother who could not be emotionally supportive. Someone suggested chatting while making dinner-my mother usually did something else while on the phone, so I stopped calling because she could not multitask.

It's different because my mother emotionally dumped on me my entire life which made me think we were close-I supported her.It took me a while to figure out she just could not be an emotional support. She tuned out or did something else when I talked. She tried to offer quick solutions and her advice is really poor.

So my friends were my support and I got therapy when needed. I am a happy, well-functioning adult and am not close to my other at all. I finally set boundaries with all her emotional dumping which upset her greatly. I miss nothing about emotionally supporting her from the time I could talk.

So as you figure out how to handle this, also figure out if you want a relationship that isn't very close. You don't have to feel trapped listening, but you do need to figure out what you want and how to get there and therapy can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put her on FaceTime camera while you prep and eat dinner or watch same tv show together so you don't have to force conversation but can still provide comforting presence.

I just posted, but wanted to address this directly. I know you mean well, but if you called a close friend in emotional distress and they were distracted making dinner and doing other things, would you want to keep talking? Undivided attention shows you care, but the daughters needs sound like more than OP can handle which is why I suggest she work with a professional. It's not seeing OP that makes the daughter feel comfort. She wants to be heard and understood and experience empathy. Doing another task and not fully listening conveys that it just isn't important to the mom. It's like when you get together with a close friend and the person keeps checking her phone, but there's no emergency. It's rude. OP needs to figure out how to gently set boundaries while still conveying she truly cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning - like she’s self-soothing her anxiety. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?

Yes! That is exactly what it feels like, or even like she tries to outsource thinking to us for everything: should I buy this or that, should I go to this event or not, did I mess up on this test question, what do you think this person thinks, should I take an extra shift, I went to that event but it was bad, what should I do...It's like she cannot help herself in terms of asking those things even though we now really repeat "up to you, your decision...". I certainly don't mind being a sounding board but it feels like she treats us more like an extension of her brain to which she wants to outsource anything remotely uncomfortable big and small. When we do not pick up the phone instantly (which does happen due to work, she will call any time even when she knows I have meetings) we can tell she is annoyed she had to deal with something by herself and then she asks in retrospect "did I make the right decision?" or will complain she made the wrong decision.

And she IS absolutely an introvert: in high school she would say no to things a lot to stay home. She loves nothing more than reading or watching movies. She is doing the same now. The issue is she claims she wants to do things with people and have friends but then she takes the opposite steps.

In high school too she'd complain that she had no friends while also not making efforts to become better friends with all her acquaintances (many kids actually do like her, but feel she doesn't like them as she does not reach out or follow up). She did have one good friend (girl who tbh is not a caring or especially nice person) and a neighbor (boy) who is absolutely great and she's still close with but she says he does not count because he's not a girl and is also friends with ds. I think there is a lot of social media influence, desire to conform and fomo type thing going on: she feels she should be having friends and she is weird for not having a big group of girlfriends, while also not being the type of person who is that way and enjoys heavy socializing.

We had conversations about all these things then too and I thought college might change things but it really has not. I am really concerned that - and that's beyond the weight on me and dh now which would be 100% fine if it were a phase for sure - she will stay that way and never make her way in the world because I do know people who remained stuck forever.

After reading these details I agree with the posters who say this is anxiety and also social anxiety. She may desperately want friends (so maybe not an introvert) but the anxiety is keeping her from doing something about it. Your DD is a lot like mine who is also in college, she had a handful of friends in HS but rarely did anything with them. In college she has tried to join activities as we have also encouraged her to branch out to make friends. She doesn’t complain about being lonely like your DD but she is also one to keep everything to herself which is another problem. DH and I had a talk with her at the end of winter break about seeing a therapist or counselor and I sent her recs as well, although she hasn’t reached out to them yet. After reading your post I am also going to find someone for her to talk to over the summer.
I too worry about her in the future. She doesn’t call us all the time (she’s not much of a talker) but does spend her Friday and Saturday nights on FaceTime with her sister, who’s in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning - like she’s self-soothing her anxiety. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?

Yes! That is exactly what it feels like, or even like she tries to outsource thinking to us for everything: should I buy this or that, should I go to this event or not, did I mess up on this test question, what do you think this person thinks, should I take an extra shift, I went to that event but it was bad, what should I do...It's like she cannot help herself in terms of asking those things even though we now really repeat "up to you, your decision...". I certainly don't mind being a sounding board but it feels like she treats us more like an extension of her brain to which she wants to outsource anything remotely uncomfortable big and small. When we do not pick up the phone instantly (which does happen due to work, she will call any time even when she knows I have meetings) we can tell she is annoyed she had to deal with something by herself and then she asks in retrospect "did I make the right decision?" or will complain she made the wrong decision.

And she IS absolutely an introvert: in high school she would say no to things a lot to stay home. She loves nothing more than reading or watching movies. She is doing the same now. The issue is she claims she wants to do things with people and have friends but then she takes the opposite steps.

In high school too she'd complain that she had no friends while also not making efforts to become better friends with all her acquaintances (many kids actually do like her, but feel she doesn't like them as she does not reach out or follow up). She did have one good friend (girl who tbh is not a caring or especially nice person) and a neighbor (boy) who is absolutely great and she's still close with but she says he does not count because he's not a girl and is also friends with ds. I think there is a lot of social media influence, desire to conform and fomo type thing going on: she feels she should be having friends and she is weird for not having a big group of girlfriends, while also not being the type of person who is that way and enjoys heavy socializing.

We had conversations about all these things then too and I thought college might change things but it really has not. I am really concerned that - and that's beyond the weight on me and dh now which would be 100% fine if it were a phase for sure - she will stay that way and never make her way in the world because I do know people who remained stuck forever.

After reading these details I agree with the posters who say this is anxiety and also social anxiety. She may desperately want friends (so maybe not an introvert) but the anxiety is keeping her from doing something about it. Your DD is a lot like mine who is also in college, she had a handful of friends in HS but rarely did anything with them. In college she has tried to join activities as we have also encouraged her to branch out to make friends. She doesn’t complain about being lonely like your DD but she is also one to keep everything to herself which is another problem. DH and I had a talk with her at the end of winter break about seeing a therapist or counselor and I sent her recs as well, although she hasn’t reached out to them yet. After reading your post I am also going to find someone for her to talk to over the summer.
I too worry about her in the future. She doesn’t call us all the time (she’s not much of a talker) but does spend her Friday and Saturday nights on FaceTime with her sister, who’s in HS.

Forgot to add - while she has joined activities in college, she mostly does things alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning - like she’s self-soothing her anxiety. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?

Yes! That is exactly what it feels like, or even like she tries to outsource thinking to us for everything: should I buy this or that, should I go to this event or not, did I mess up on this test question, what do you think this person thinks, should I take an extra shift, I went to that event but it was bad, what should I do...It's like she cannot help herself in terms of asking those things even though we now really repeat "up to you, your decision...". I certainly don't mind being a sounding board but it feels like she treats us more like an extension of her brain to which she wants to outsource anything remotely uncomfortable big and small. When we do not pick up the phone instantly (which does happen due to work, she will call any time even when she knows I have meetings) we can tell she is annoyed she had to deal with something by herself and then she asks in retrospect "did I make the right decision?" or will complain she made the wrong decision.

And she IS absolutely an introvert: in high school she would say no to things a lot to stay home. She loves nothing more than reading or watching movies. She is doing the same now. The issue is she claims she wants to do things with people and have friends but then she takes the opposite steps.

In high school too she'd complain that she had no friends while also not making efforts to become better friends with all her acquaintances (many kids actually do like her, but feel she doesn't like them as she does not reach out or follow up). She did have one good friend (girl who tbh is not a caring or especially nice person) and a neighbor (boy) who is absolutely great and she's still close with but she says he does not count because he's not a girl and is also friends with ds. I think there is a lot of social media influence, desire to conform and fomo type thing going on: she feels she should be having friends and she is weird for not having a big group of girlfriends, while also not being the type of person who is that way and enjoys heavy socializing.

We had conversations about all these things then too and I thought college might change things but it really has not. I am really concerned that - and that's beyond the weight on me and dh now which would be 100% fine if it were a phase for sure - she will stay that way and never make her way in the world because I do know people who remained stuck forever.

After reading these details I agree with the posters who say this is anxiety and also social anxiety. She may desperately want friends (so maybe not an introvert) but the anxiety is keeping her from doing something about it. Your DD is a lot like mine who is also in college, she had a handful of friends in HS but rarely did anything with them. In college she has tried to join activities as we have also encouraged her to branch out to make friends. She doesn’t complain about being lonely like your DD but she is also one to keep everything to herself which is another problem. DH and I had a talk with her at the end of winter break about seeing a therapist or counselor and I sent her recs as well, although she hasn’t reached out to them yet. After reading your post I am also going to find someone for her to talk to over the summer.
I too worry about her in the future. She doesn’t call us all the time (she’s not much of a talker) but does spend her Friday and Saturday nights on FaceTime with her sister, who’s in HS.

Forgot to add - while she has joined activities in college, she mostly does things alone.

She has a mental health issue. Telling her you need to speak less is not the way to go. I would use your time to get her to agree to start with a psychologist appointment and psychiatric evaluation. You need to normalize this. If you have ever been in therapy and on meds consider sharing that and how it helped you. Do not make her feel like a freak, but know that by limiting her calls you will not force her to swim. She cannot swim. She has to learn how to swim.Part of it may be her brain wiring and the medication can help her be more available to learn the skills she needs to "swim" in the social world and manage college better.

[Anonymous]

OP, read your own comments. You are mostly repeating your complaints, ignoring advice, and talking about how you haven’t followed through with getting your daughter help. Do you see what I see?

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with you? Absolutely not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, read your own comments. You are mostly repeating your complaints, ignoring advice, and talking about how you haven’t followed through with getting your daughter help. Do you see what I see?

Legal adults can't be forced to go to therapy, all you can do is suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

After reading your replies, what you’re not modeling is empathy. Your DD may have social anxiety and if you don’t it’s very hard to relate to what she’s going through. She’s reaching out because she’s struggling. Would she be open to seeing a therapist when she’s home for summer break? That could really help her develop some tools that can help her going forward.

I have a lot of empathy in the sense I do get that it upsets her, and I do talk to her daily, extensively, try to play cheerleader, but imagine your child coming to you with the same problem for years and doing the opposite of what they say they want to do. It's true I am very frustrated. I do try not to show it and shift conversation but I am a human being on top of being a mom. I think that level of complaining and rejecting help would get to anyone.

As for therapy, I sent her a list of therapists near her at college as well as one for home, months ago. I have mentioned to her that it might be a good idea. She has not contacted them. When she didn't like therapy with the initial therapist back in high school I told her she could switch and she said no.

Have you considered finding a family therapist and going with her? This is a mental health issue that is obviously impacting all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

After reading your replies, what you’re not modeling is empathy. Your DD may have social anxiety and if you don’t it’s very hard to relate to what she’s going through. She’s reaching out because she’s struggling. Would she be open to seeing a therapist when she’s home for summer break? That could really help her develop some tools that can help her going forward.

I have a lot of empathy in the sense I do get that it upsets her, and I do talk to her daily, extensively, try to play cheerleader, but imagine your child coming to you with the same problem for years and doing the opposite of what they say they want to do. It's true I am very frustrated. I do try not to show it and shift conversation but I am a human being on top of being a mom. I think that level of complaining and rejecting help would get to anyone.

As for therapy, I sent her a list of therapists near her at college as well as one for home, months ago. I have mentioned to her that it might be a good idea. She has not contacted them. When she didn't like therapy with the initial therapist back in high school I told her she could switch and she said no.

I actually have had a DD with mental health issues and while it was taxing on me and sometimes downright annoying, I know she didn’t mean to be this way. We kept trying to find resources in order to make sure she received the help she needs. She has done much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her calls. Get a new therapist.

I think she could benefit from a good life coach that also serves as a therapist to a lesser degree. She doesn't just need to talk about her problems, she needs a non related person to give her advice and action items on how to better bring her own life to fruition. She isn't going to take Mom and Dad's advice that seriously--because what do parents know about how hard it is in this day and age, or so she thinks.