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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning -[b] like she’s self-soothing her anxiety[/b]. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?[/quote]

Yes! That is exactly what it feels like, or even like she tries to outsource thinking to us for everything: should I buy this or that, should I go to this event or not, did I mess up on this test question, what do you think this person thinks, should I take an extra shift, I went to that event but it was bad, what should I do...It's like she cannot help herself in terms of asking those things even though we now really repeat "up to you, your decision...". I certainly don't mind being a sounding board but it feels like she treats us more like an extension of her brain to which she wants to outsource anything remotely uncomfortable big and small. When we do not pick up the phone instantly (which does happen due to work, she will call any time even when she knows I have meetings) we can tell she is annoyed she had to deal with something by herself and then she asks in retrospect "did I make the right decision?" or will complain she made the wrong decision.

And she IS absolutely an introvert: in high school she would say no to things a lot to stay home. She loves nothing more than reading or watching movies. She is doing the same now. The issue is she claims she wants to do things with people and have friends but then she takes the opposite steps.

In high school too she'd complain that she had no friends while also not making efforts to become better friends with all her acquaintances (many kids actually do like her, but feel she doesn't like them as she does not reach out or follow up). She did have one good friend (girl who tbh is not a caring or especially nice person) and a neighbor (boy) who is absolutely great and she's still close with but she says he does not count because he's not a girl and is also friends with ds. I think there is a lot of social media influence, desire to conform and fomo type thing going on: she feels she should be having friends and she is weird for not having a big group of girlfriends, while also not being the type of person who is that way and enjoys heavy socializing.

We had conversations about all these things then too and I thought college might change things but it really has not. I am really concerned that - and that's beyond the weight on me and dh now which would be 100% fine if it were a phase for sure - she will stay that way and never make her way in the world because I do know people who remained stuck forever.

[/quote]

After reading these details I agree with the posters who say this is anxiety and also social anxiety. She may desperately want friends (so maybe not an introvert) but the anxiety is keeping her from doing something about it. Your DD is a lot like mine who is also in college, she had a handful of friends in HS but rarely did anything with them. In college she has tried to join activities as we have also encouraged her to branch out to make friends. She doesn’t complain about being lonely like your DD but she is also one to keep everything to herself which is another problem. DH and I had a talk with her at the end of winter break about seeing a therapist or counselor and I sent her recs as well, although she hasn’t reached out to them yet. After reading your post I am also going to find someone for her to talk to over the summer. 
I too worry about her in the future. She doesn’t call us all the time (she’s not much of a talker) but does spend her Friday and Saturday nights on FaceTime with her sister, who’s in HS. [/quote]

Forgot to add - while she has joined activities in college, she mostly does things alone. [/quote]

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