Would you tell dd to call less?

[Anonymous]

We have a close knit family. My adult DD will call frequently (even daily some periods) and we share lots of things. When she is going through a difficult time - new job, new place, new situations, unfamiliar people etc - I am there for her. When things are easy for her - I am there for her.

Kids go through periods where they do not have their tribe. And that is ok. Be there for your children at all times. God knows that your time is limited with them. As long as you are on the Earth - be their parent. Love them. It is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the suggestions of anxiety. My college aged DS is very anxious (we always knew this but it seemed manageable earlier in his life, probably helped by that much of his Hs was during the pandemic and re-openings so he could hide behind that without us realizing it)- it reared its head in college and got serious enough his frosh year that he almost had to withdraw. He started seeing a therapist and went on medication both which have helped and the daily calls to us have in turn lessened, but he still uses calls to us as a crutch probably 1-2/week, like for example when he’s walking across canpus alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, read your own comments. You are mostly repeating your complaints, ignoring advice, and talking about how you haven’t followed through with getting your daughter help. Do you see what I see?

Legal adults can't be forced to go to therapy, all you can do is suggest.

That’s true, but handing someone a list, someone who has difficulty connecting with others, is not an effective strategy. If DD refuses solo therapy, mom should ask her to do family therapy together. Mom and Dad can also do therapy and parent coaching. The point is you don’t just throw up your hands and complain. And noticing the similarity in your own behavior might be an important step for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put her on FaceTime camera while you prep and eat dinner or watch same tv show together so you don't have to force conversation but can still provide comforting presence.

I just posted, but wanted to address this directly. I know you mean well, but if you called a close friend in emotional distress and they were distracted making dinner and doing other things, would you want to keep talking? Undivided attention shows you care, but the daughters needs sound like more than OP can handle which is why I suggest she work with a professional. It's not seeing OP that makes the daughter feel comfort. She wants to be heard and understood and experience empathy. Doing another task and not fully listening conveys that it just isn't important to the mom. It's like when you get together with a close friend and the person keeps checking her phone, but there's no emergency. It's rude. OP needs to figure out how to gently set boundaries while still conveying she truly cares.

Obviously not every time but when OP is drained herself and had already given DD full attention every day and has nothing new to add, this can work for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so sad. She is your child! Of course you talk with her and listen to her! You don’t tell her to call less.

This is also prime age for mental illnesses onset. Keep her close!

Omg I think people are thinking I don’t talk to her or ever want to talk to her. I am a very present mom. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or possibly impeding growth and independence.

Of course it’s a good thing. She is still so young. Be there for her. How is this even a question?

[Anonymous]

My young adult daughter calls multiple multiple times a day. So no it’s really not a phase. Some people or kids just do that I guess and I think this generation is much more connected to their parents than certainly I was at least. I have started letting them roll to voicemail more often and she only talks for 30 seconds or a minute, but it’s just a constant touch touching base throughout the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

No! You aren’t enabling anything. What you are doing is either inconsequential or actually helps her.
Please don’t worry about it. Talk to a therapist about it if you don’t believe me - modern child development theories support my POV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be busy sometimes. My parents frequently don't answer the phone. I guess it's possible they are avoiding me (if so they hide it well), but my impression is they are just busy.

I sincerely wish you they don’t become clingy as they age! Happened with my father. He was too busy making my crazy mother happy to care to talk to us kids but now he is clingy after she died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

No! You aren’t enabling anything. What you are doing is either inconsequential or actually helps her.
Please don’t worry about it. Talk to a therapist about it if you don’t believe me - modern child development theories support my POV.

Also, there’s something wrong with how she builds relationships and it’s been going on for years. Your conversations are just something that alleviates whatever she is feeling - anxiety?
But she needs help (and it’s not enough to just talk to her less), possibly meds.

[Anonymous]

Yep, tell your child not to call so much. Better she find out now how you feel and move on with her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a close knit family. My adult DD will call frequently (even daily some periods) and we share lots of things. When she is going through a difficult time - new job, new place, new situations, unfamiliar people etc - I am there for her. When things are easy for her - I am there for her.

Kids go through periods where they do not have their tribe. And that is ok. Be there for your children at all times. God knows that your time is limited with them. As long as you are on the Earth - be their parent. Love them. It is a blessing.

This is beautiful. My adult DD calls me much more than I ever called/call my emotionally distant mother and it makes me happy that she wants to!

OP - she may have mental problems but she needs support from you. And like al-anon, you may need your own support system to deal with her. Do your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

What does she say about it not working? A lot of people say they need to be pushed to go out, but when they do, they are glad they went. If that's not her, what exactly is she saying? That she didn't have a good time and doesn't want to go again, or that she liked it and wanted to make friends with the people but they didn't want to be friends? Does she want friends and relationships?

She does want friends but does not try to make friends and does not follow through so people think she’s not interested. Like the language group: she was invited to a bday party and a lunch and went to neither, then she claims she did not like them enough. We’ve had many talks about this. Earlier in the year I’d send her events all the time but she’d make excuses. She sits in her dorm on weekends or will go read or to a coffee shop alone. She has many people she could ask bc she does know people but she refuses to initiate plans.

This sounds a lot like me in college though I don't think I called my parents that much. I was very lonely until my senior year when I had finally made a couple of close friends. I spent many years after college feeling very isolated until I met my husband in grad school. To this day I have a lot of trouble initiating plans with friends. I honestly think I might be autistic (my kid was recently diagnosed). I recently started taking an SSRI which has helped a lot. I tried therapy and it didn't help.

I don't think reducing contact will help your child that much, but I think it could help to set some healthy boundaries. You can say you are busy sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Is she medicated?

[Anonymous]

I think it's an awful idea.

My grandmother has been my rock for years, more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. She's always been happy to have me call her... but she's not always available. Sometimes I call her 2-4 times a day for a gut check on whether I'm doing the right thing with a child. Sometimes I don't call for a week or so. But when I was 18-25, newly on my own, socially awkward? Having that lifeline was the best thing for me.

My suggestion would be to make yourself unavailable a few nights of the week (even if you are home and just don't pick up the phone) and ask what she did that day when she seems about to start complaining about no friends. Talk to her about what you do (and start doing things to tell her about).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

Can you step back and see you are doing the same things she is doing? Posters are giving you advice and you are giving reasons why it won't work and aren't worth trying. She got this approach from you!