Would you tell dd to call less?

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling that your main worry is that you are “spoiling” her by providing emotional support? Well it’s not so. Give her what she needs now and she’ll move on once she gets enough of what she needs.
She does sound like some ASD kids I know so maybe you can line up an eval for her.

No, I just think I am enabling bad habits of endless ruminating over no friends while not actually trying to make friends and it will mean zero independence in the long run the way I see some other adults be which is so unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so sad. She is your child! Of course you talk with her and listen to her! You don’t tell her to call less.

This is also prime age for mental illnesses onset. Keep her close!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

Then keep looking for a different therapist and/or a life coach. Some ACs require more active parenting for longer than others. I have a son that I never needed to do one thing for once he moved out. He was ready to roll. He manages his finances, submits anything that has to be submitted for insurance, he just launched. I mentioned my own DD above that needed tons of support for a long time. They all have different needs.

Your daughter is telling you that she does want friends, but she’s showing you that she doesn’t know HOW, or she’s too anxious to do it. Don’t just leave her in that space.

I’m not saying I never want to talk to her! I just think the current situation is not good. We have tried to help her but she is rejecting everything while still expressing that she does want friends and that feels like a contradiction. I’m just not really sure what to do for her at this point but I know that listening to her has not worked and neither has giving advice. She was not receptive to the therapist (whom she picked) either. I guess she could see a different one but I do worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so sad. She is your child! Of course you talk with her and listen to her! You don’t tell her to call less.

This is also prime age for mental illnesses onset. Keep her close!

Omg I think people are thinking I don’t talk to her or ever want to talk to her. I am a very present mom. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or possibly impeding growth and independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t tell her to call less. They would be crushing to someone who’s struggling. But it’s okay to tell her you have to go after a few minutes or not pickup sometimes. But I also think you should reframe your conversations. It sounds like you’re frustrated she’s not following your advice. She knows everything you’re telling her but she’s still struggling. She’s going to have to work it out on her own. Try to shift your focus away from trying to solve her problem.

I am definitely frustrated bc she does not want to work it out on her own and seeks advice from us but then complains. So we used to give more advice, and now we keep it to a minimum and she’s still not doing things. To address what someone else said it’s be fine if she did not mind having no big social life but she is the one bringing up the fact that she wants one. We redirect to positive topics when she calls, and we do ask about classes and other things of course.

She expects us to entertain and at some point sometimes we run out of things to say, which she gets annoyed about like she wants long calls as distraction. Today for instance she told us she’s not going to some event after all, after a girl reached out to her about it. Then she complained about work and after a few minutes of chit chat about her classes today and pets at home we had no new things to say because we already talked about books and shows yesterday and I’ve done nothing but work today and same with dh. So she hung up and I could tell she was miffed about the event thing and the call being just 20 mins. Then we felt defeated and like the call made things worse and now I can’t sleep bc I feel we are caught in this bad spiral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t withhold contact. Line up some therapy for the summer. She may need some extra support in finding her groove at college. My daughter had different issues than yours but needed a lot of time and contact. I’ve never regretted being there for her.

She had therapy which was not helpful. And to be clear it’s not like I don’t want to be there for her. I worry I am there for her in such a way it makes things worse bc sure I don’t want her to be lonely, but I also don’t want to be the reason she does not try to find other outlets. People say it will pass but I know several people in their 30s and even 40s who never became independent. We have majorly stepped back on advice bc she does not listen or then does but says it doesn’t work. There has been zero progress with our current way.

Then keep looking for a different therapist and/or a life coach. Some ACs require more active parenting for longer than others. I have a son that I never needed to do one thing for once he moved out. He was ready to roll. He manages his finances, submits anything that has to be submitted for insurance, he just launched. I mentioned my own DD above that needed tons of support for a long time. They all have different needs.

Your daughter is telling you that she does want friends, but she’s showing you that she doesn’t know HOW, or she’s too anxious to do it. Don’t just leave her in that space.

I’m not saying I never want to talk to her! I just think the current situation is not good. We have tried to help her but she is rejecting everything while still expressing that she does want friends and that feels like a contradiction. I’m just not really sure what to do for her at this point but I know that listening to her has not worked and neither has giving advice. She was not receptive to the therapist (whom she picked) either. I guess she could see a different one but I do worry.

God you could be me OP. I posted something similar a few months ago and people told me to not be so available. She would call all the time and complain maybe that's the difference?

[Anonymous]

Stop with the advice. You suggest 5 things and she says no to them all. Be honest with her that a therapist would be a better sounding board than you. She complains, you try to solve and goes nowhere. By the way, I am not sure she is an introvert. Introverts are content being alone. When she talks about an issue, ask her. “What’s your plan?” See what she comes with.

[Anonymous]

Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning - like she’s self-soothing her anxiety. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?

[Anonymous]

*^encouraged you to be there for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was she ever able to make friends? What wa high school like for her?

While I do think it’s important that you’re her “anchor” (as PP put it), due to her obvious social isolation and loneliness, I do understand why it’s not feeling healthy, especially if she seems to be hanging up frustrated because she wants long calls each time with plenty to discuss. That part does seem a bit more concerning - like she’s self-soothing her anxiety. Does it feel like there’s a compulsive nature to it?

My mom was definitely my sounding board in college and she talked me through so many of my growing pains and struggles; she was my port in the storm and it just gave me comfort to know I had a home base. And that’s what I was thinking when I encouraged you to continue to be there for you upthread. But I also understand your concern.

What was she like before college? How was your relationship?

Yes! That is exactly what it feels like, or even like she tries to outsource thinking to us for everything: should I buy this or that, should I go to this event or not, did I mess up on this test question, what do you think this person thinks, should I take an extra shift, I went to that event but it was bad, what should I do...It's like she cannot help herself in terms of asking those things even though we now really repeat "up to you, your decision...". I certainly don't mind being a sounding board but it feels like she treats us more like an extension of her brain to which she wants to outsource anything remotely uncomfortable big and small. When we do not pick up the phone instantly (which does happen due to work, she will call any time even when she knows I have meetings) we can tell she is annoyed she had to deal with something by herself and then she asks in retrospect "did I make the right decision?" or will complain she made the wrong decision.

And she IS absolutely an introvert: in high school she would say no to things a lot to stay home. She loves nothing more than reading or watching movies. She is doing the same now. The issue is she claims she wants to do things with people and have friends but then she takes the opposite steps.

In high school too she'd complain that she had no friends while also not making efforts to become better friends with all her acquaintances (many kids actually do like her, but feel she doesn't like them as she does not reach out or follow up). She did have one good friend (girl who tbh is not a caring or especially nice person) and a neighbor (boy) who is absolutely great and she's still close with but she says he does not count because he's not a girl and is also friends with ds. I think there is a lot of social media influence, desire to conform and fomo type thing going on: she feels she should be having friends and she is weird for not having a big group of girlfriends, while also not being the type of person who is that way and enjoys heavy socializing.

We had conversations about all these things then too and I thought college might change things but it really has not. I am really concerned that - and that's beyond the weight on me and dh now which would be 100% fine if it were a phase for sure - she will stay that way and never make her way in the world because I do know people who remained stuck forever.

[Anonymous]

OP, the part about asking for validation for all decisions confirms my thinking that this is a maaaajor anxiety issue. I'm not sure writing therapy off as "it didn't work once" is the move here, look for someone whose strength is helping people with anxiety develop coping skills.

I don't think the phone calls are the cause. She doesn't have to go be uncomfortable if she doesn't have you, she will just continue to isolate. They're a symptom. It isn't in your power to fix thr cause right now, and it sounds frustrating that she's looking for a level of entertainment and validation that you will never be able to give in place of actual friends and confidence...but I don't think "sink or swim" will work either. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Just be busy sometimes. My parents frequently don't answer the phone. I guess it's possible they are avoiding me (if so they hide it well), but my impression is they are just busy.

[Anonymous]

I agree Op, let her know you want to chat weekly so you can each share more during your calls. She can text if it’s an emergency, but you are looking forward to starting a new routine as an empty nester— reading, jogging, yoga, walk with a neighbor after dinner, whatever. Make it a challenge for you both.

I’m surprised more people are not in favor of gently cutting the cord. It’s ok to nudge the baby bird out of the nest. Shes hardly a baby anymore!

Did she ever do summer camp? At my dds’ camps there were no calls home at all for 2-3 weeks (the duration). It helped facilitate proper bonding among the campers, and the directors knew the homesick kids would complain to their parents to pick them up, instead of making the necessary adjustments to enjoy camp.

[Anonymous]

This is temporary and she needs you during this time. One day you might need her to check on you regularly in your nursing home.