Would you tell dd to call less?

[Anonymous]

She calls me every day. Then she relies on us for conversation which tbh we don't have that much going on bc we work during the week and after work we talk to her! I would not mind a quick hey, love you, miss you type call but this is long calls and her relying on us as a sounding board/entertainment for 30+ minutes.

We've suggested various groups and she has tried them: language clubs, sports, other groups. She goes, then decides she doesn't like it enough and does not go again. So aside from her roommates (who she gets along with fine but not more than that) she is by herself unless in class, her campus job (has met nobody there) or study groups. Tonight again she called to say she was thinking of going to an event, but after all she won't. I am sick of hearing it and so is dh, the constant dance of telling her you should go, then she mostly doesn't or goes and declares it was a waste of time.

We were thinking of maybe putting up a boundary of saying daily texts are fine, but no daily call: just go do things and then tell us about them another day, so we are not such a crutch to her. Do you think this is a bad idea? We have this going on with ds (who is older) naturally and calls are so much better because we have so much more to say to each other, he's doing things and telling us about them.

[Anonymous]

She sounds desperately lonely and like she hasn't found her place in college. I think telling her no more daily calls would leave her feeling really hurt and unmoored. Who else does she have to anchor her?

I do think telling her some days that you can't talk as long is fine. But it sounds like this connection is really important to her right now.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. It sounds like she’s struggling and pushing her away could make her feel even more left out and depressed. Hopefully it’s just a short phase and she will start to find her own social life very soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds desperately lonely and like she hasn't found her place in college. I think telling her no more daily calls would leave her feeling really hurt and unmoored. Who else does she have to anchor her?

I do think telling her some days that you can't talk as long is fine. But it sounds like this connection is really important to her right now.

I feel like the calls are not helping though. She's relying on us so she doesn't have to try with others. Tht's what concerns me. Her classes are going very well, she has her job. She complains about no social life while not trying to have a social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with PP. It sounds like she’s struggling and pushing her away could make her feel even more left out and depressed. Hopefully it’s just a short phase and she will start to find her own social life very soon.

I thought so but it's nearly the end of the year...

[Anonymous]

I would be so hurt if my mom at any time in life told me I couldn’t call her daily if I needed to. Just want to put it out there. Sorry it’s a difficult time for all but this will be temporary.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell her to call less. I might though be busy now and then. Sorry we missed you we decided to go see a movie, get ice cream, walk with the neighbors.go to the library..whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be so hurt if my mom at any time in life told me I couldn’t call her daily if I needed to. Just want to put it out there. Sorry it’s a difficult time for all but this will be temporary.

I worry that it's not and that it's doing the opposite of helping: she uses us to have an outlet instead of talking to people right there. Like for instance she called me instead of going to language club, today she could have gone to run club but called me...And again I'd be fine if the calls were short but this is a sit down for a long conversation type call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds desperately lonely and like she hasn't found her place in college. I think telling her no more daily calls would leave her feeling really hurt and unmoored. Who else does she have to anchor her?

I do think telling her some days that you can't talk as long is fine. But it sounds like this connection is really important to her right now.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be so hurt if my mom at any time in life told me I couldn’t call her daily if I needed to. Just want to put it out there. Sorry it’s a difficult time for all but this will be temporary.

I worry that it's not and that it's doing the opposite of helping: she uses us to have an outlet instead of talking to people right there. Like for instance she called me instead of going to language club, today she could have gone to run club but called me...And again I'd be fine if the calls were short but this is a sit down for a long conversation type call.

Are you actually wondering what people think or do you just want people to tell you that you’re right?

I also think that this is a phase and it will pass as soon as she finds a group she fits in with but your relationships might never be the same if you tell her to not call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell her to call less. I might though be busy now and then. Sorry we missed you we decided to go see a movie, get ice cream, walk with the neighbors.go to the library..whatever.

I think this is a good idea. It signals that you still care but also gently sets limits AND models some of the exact things she could be trying as well (getting ice cream, taking a walk with someone, etc.)

I had debilitating adjustment issues and social anxiety in college and what I desperately wish someone had told me is that it simply takes *time and repetition* to build familiarity and connection. Try the club or music group for a full year, etc (not just a few weeks or whatever) even if it’s uncomfortable at first.

I ended up hastily transferring schools bc I had trouble making friends at my first one; while the transfer did help me in some ways, the anxiety still followed me and it took deeper work (into adulthood) to unpack and develop some helpful coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

I have been in this situation with my daughter with the added complication that she has a mental illness. I always pick up for her. Most of the time she is not in a crisis,she just wants to chat. Of we're eating dinner, I'll text her and let her know and that we can talk later. Other times I will limit the call to 10 or 15 minutes so I can get on with my life. This way I am responding to her but not getting stuck on the phone.

You might try my approach or try telling her ahead of time to call you after run club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell her to call less. I might though be busy now and then. Sorry we missed you we decided to go see a movie, get ice cream, walk with the neighbors.go to the library..whatever.

I think this is a good idea. It signals that you still care but also gently sets limits AND models some of the exact things she could be trying as well (getting ice cream, taking a walk with someone, etc.)

I had debilitating adjustment issues and social anxiety in college and what I desperately wish someone had told me is that it simply takes *time and repetition* to build familiarity and connection. Try the club or music group for a full year, etc (not just a few weeks or whatever) even if it’s uncomfortable at first.

I ended up hastily transferring schools bc I had trouble making friends at my first one; while the transfer did help me in some ways, the anxiety still followed me and it took deeper work (into adulthood) to unpack and develop some helpful coping mechanisms.

When we try to do that which we have to sometimes, she then still calls for a long time and tbh she sounds annoyed we could not talk now. We have told her to keep going to those activities and that it takes time. We encourage her constantly, gave her ideas of things she could do...She simply refuses to give it a chance or will go again if we insist but then declare the people are boring/pompous/this guy hit on her and she feels bad bc she doesn't like him. There is always something. And then it feels like we are holding her hand so much and it still does not work which feels like it is potentially worse for her because it's reinforcing the idea she is not doing this on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be so hurt if my mom at any time in life told me I couldn’t call her daily if I needed to. Just want to put it out there. Sorry it’s a difficult time for all but this will be temporary.

I worry that it's not and that it's doing the opposite of helping: she uses us to have an outlet instead of talking to people right there. Like for instance she called me instead of going to language club, today she could have gone to run club but called me...And again I'd be fine if the calls were short but this is a sit down for a long conversation type call.

Are you actually wondering what people think or do you just want people to tell you that you’re right?

I also think that this is a phase and it will pass as soon as she finds a group she fits in with but your relationships might never be the same if you tell her to not call.

I am wondering. My instinct is we should talk to her less but obviously I've never had that issue before. I really worry she will not find a group because we are nearing the end of the year and there really are zero signs of progress so not sure when/how it will be different with no change.

[Anonymous]

OP what were her friendships like in high school? Is this pattern new since college? Also, when she finds something wrong with the new groups she tries, is there a pattern to the reasons she gives?