How tolerant are private schools towards neurodiversity?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:On paper, many schools present themselves as supportive of neurodiversity and even encourage the creation of neurodiversity groups within the school community. In practice, though, it can feel very different. If a child’s behavior does not fit neatly with the rest of the school environment, or if their academic performance is not where the school wants it to be, some schools seem much less willing to provide real support. Instead of working with the family and helping the child succeed, they sometimes give the impression that the child would be better off elsewhere, or even directly encourage the family to move the child to another school. Does this happen at your school as well? I find that gap between what schools say publicly and how they sometimes act in reality to be quite hypocritical.

You seem confused what mainstream private schools serve. They do not need or are required to accommodate neurodiversity. If your child needs this kind of support, then these type of schools are not the right place for them and honestly wouldn't you want an environment where they are supported and can thrive? There are smaller private schools specifically for these kind of students.

As for a child's behavior fitting neatly, I have found that it doesn't matter if your child is neurodiverse or not, that schools really only want the well behaved, rule following children, especially by middle school. One of my children was constantly getting reprimanded in school for being argumentative, too outspoken and challenging and it was framed as a behavioral issue when all it was literally asking lot of questions, being opinionated and passionate during history class discussions. Teachers just found her irritating because she had opposite opinions but she wasn't getting in "trouble" in the traditional sense. The school would preach "we meet children where they are" and "we welcome all points of view" and "we foster healthy debate" but in reality they just wanted the students to agree with the teacher so the classroom would be easy. I don't even want to think about what would case if she had actual behavioral issues. We saw that at the school (kids throwing things, kids eloping, fights) and those kids were asked to leave. My kid they just constantly give a hard time except for the occasional teacher that really likes her because she "shows sign of being a leader" and is "provocative". If you feel unsupported leave, I wish we had.

You seem to be out of touch with reality. Most kids with ADHD are considered to be part of neurodiversity. Ask other families in your school in their kids were diagnosed with adhd. You will be surprised.

My kids are at a parochial school and tons of parents will volunteer that their kid has ADHD and how the school has helped them, but no one will admit to their kid being on the spectrum. It’s very hush hush.

Could be true, but at times of exams everyone knows who gets extra time.

I don’t really get what you mean. Yes, the adhd kids do and the other kids notice it. But the ASD kids don’t get anything.
I think parents are more open about adhd because generally their kids are still popular with their peers

My point was that ADHD is considered neurodiversity, same as ASD.

Yet, they are so not the same.

Correct. There are - gasp - a diversity of ways in which a student might be considered neurodiverse.

Mine happens to be dyslexic.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're talking about certain milder ND issues, public schools are going to be better at catering to ND then most privates. In our experience, some public districts now prioritize ND students over NT students.

Yes - public schools have essentially zero obligations w/r/t to NT students, so their interests often take a backseat to the needs of ND students, especially if there is an official diagnosis + 504/IEP.

Private schools are permitted to weigh the demands of accommodating ND students (many of whom are perfectly fine in most outward respects) against the needs of the overall school community and make an up or down judgement. What is really common sense can feel jarring when juxtaposed against the legal regimes and requirements that public schools must contend with.

I guess it's fine for private schools to prioritize NT over ND students. But then they shouldn't be pretending otherwise.

Agreed - but much of what these private schools broadcast is performative claptrap.

The schools are selling a product and engaged in marketing. A lot of marketing and advertising is performative claptrap. Caveat emptor and whatnot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity is accommodated, bad behavior typically isn’t

"Bad behavior" is a problematic term, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity is accommodated, bad behavior typically isn’t

"Bad behavior" is a problematic term, PP.

DP but it’s not really. I say this as someone who thinks we over accommodate. We’re setting up young adults to fail because we’re sugarcoating everything. Bad behavior is still bad behavior, even when there’s a reason why it’s happening. But I don’t have a little one anymore so I see this from a different perspective than someone whose kids aren’t even in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is neurodivergent and high-functioning and attends one of the smaller independent schools. The school is accommodating insofar as they give her extra time on tests and a flash pass/excused absence when she needs a break. However, she is expected to complete all homework and assignments fully and on time and advocate for herself/work with teachers directly if she needs additional support. Graduation requirements (foreign language, arts, core classes, PE, etc) are non-negotiable.

What this means in reality is that my kid gets As in classes that are aligned with how her brain works and barely squeezes out Cs in others (with a decent number of assignments graded as D/F and 0s for anything that is missing). Her grades are totally unrelated to intelligence/capability or to how engaged she is with the material. They do reflect the quality of the work she turns in.

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, it sucks that we are paying a fortune for a school where my super smart kid is getting some bad grades. I wish teachers would give her a second chance on some assignments or at least provide her with more explicit instruction/scaffolding/support. So far, she's not very willing to proactively seek out such support from her teachers or to accept it from a tutor or parent.

On the other hand, her in-class experience is fantastic, she loves her teachers, and I think there is a lot of value in getting real information about her abilities and deficits in terms of assignments/assessments/work because it informs how we think about supporting her in college/career/adult life.

I could have written this. I have a similar DD at a small independent school who also gets As and C/Ds and I am of two minds about keeping her there. But she wants to stay and the school is in many ways good about trying to help her.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day schools don’t really care about neurodiversity. They care as long as your kid has good grades and is not disruptive in class. For the rest, the quietly invite them to get out of their school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day schools don’t really care about neurodiversity. They care as long as your kid has good grades and is not disruptive in class. For the rest, the quietly invite them to get out of their school.

A “normal” classroom environment with the great balance of kids being regulated has become a luxury product.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day schools don’t really care about neurodiversity. They care as long as your kid has good grades and is not disruptive in class. For the rest, the quietly invite them to get out of their school.

A “normal” classroom environment with the great balance of kids being regulated has become a luxury product.

With the great irony that a lot of neurodivergent but well behaved kids end up in private school because they are so dysregulated by the behavior challenges and large class sizes and chaos in public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day schools don’t really care about neurodiversity. They care as long as your kid has good grades and is not disruptive in class. For the rest, the quietly invite them to get out of their school.

A “normal” classroom environment with the great balance of kids being regulated has become a luxury product.

With the great irony that a lot of neurodivergent but well behaved kids end up in private school because they are so dysregulated by the behavior challenges and large class sizes and chaos in public school.

Yes - ND kids are often the biggest victims of chaotic classrooms, to which NT kids can certainly contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day schools don’t really care about neurodiversity. They care as long as your kid has good grades and is not disruptive in class. For the rest, the quietly invite them to get out of their school.

A “normal” classroom environment with the great balance of kids being regulated has become a luxury product.

With the great irony that a lot of neurodivergent but well behaved kids end up in private school because they are so dysregulated by the behavior challenges and large class sizes and chaos in public school.

Yes - ND kids are often the biggest victims of chaotic classrooms, to which NT kids can certainly contribute.

In my experience, a ND parent of a NT child is far more likely to send his/her children to private than a NT parent of a ND child . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is neurodivergent and high-functioning and attends one of the smaller independent schools. The school is accommodating insofar as they give her extra time on tests and a flash pass/excused absence when she needs a break. However, she is expected to complete all homework and assignments fully and on time and advocate for herself/work with teachers directly if she needs additional support. Graduation requirements (foreign language, arts, core classes, PE, etc) are non-negotiable.

What this means in reality is that my kid gets As in classes that are aligned with how her brain works and barely squeezes out Cs in others (with a decent number of assignments graded as D/F and 0s for anything that is missing). Her grades are totally unrelated to intelligence/capability or to how engaged she is with the material. They do reflect the quality of the work she turns in.

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, it sucks that we are paying a fortune for a school where my super smart kid is getting some bad grades. I wish teachers would give her a second chance on some assignments or at least provide her with more explicit instruction/scaffolding/support. So far, she's not very willing to proactively seek out such support from her teachers or to accept it from a tutor or parent.

On the other hand, her in-class experience is fantastic, she loves her teachers, and I think there is a lot of value in getting real information about her abilities and deficits in terms of assignments/assessments/work because it informs how we think about supporting her in college/career/adult life.

I could have written this. I have a similar DD at a small independent school who also gets As and C/Ds and I am of two minds about keeping her there. But she wants to stay and the school is in many ways good about trying to help her.

Solidarity. I hope the journey leads to good places for both our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is neurodivergent and high-functioning and attends one of the smaller independent schools. The school is accommodating insofar as they give her extra time on tests and a flash pass/excused absence when she needs a break. However, she is expected to complete all homework and assignments fully and on time and advocate for herself/work with teachers directly if she needs additional support. Graduation requirements (foreign language, arts, core classes, PE, etc) are non-negotiable.

What this means in reality is that my kid gets As in classes that are aligned with how her brain works and barely squeezes out Cs in others (with a decent number of assignments graded as D/F and 0s for anything that is missing). Her grades are totally unrelated to intelligence/capability or to how engaged she is with the material. They do reflect the quality of the work she turns in.

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, it sucks that we are paying a fortune for a school where my super smart kid is getting some bad grades. I wish teachers would give her a second chance on some assignments or at least provide her with more explicit instruction/scaffolding/support. So far, she's not very willing to proactively seek out such support from her teachers or to accept it from a tutor or parent.

On the other hand, her in-class experience is fantastic, she loves her teachers, and I think there is a lot of value in getting real information about her abilities and deficits in terms of assignments/assessments/work because it informs how we think about supporting her in college/career/adult life.

I could have written this. I have a similar DD at a small independent school who also gets As and C/Ds and I am of two minds about keeping her there. But she wants to stay and the school is in many ways good about trying to help her.

Another parent with a similar kid. Even grades from term to term in the same class can be wildly different depending on the type of assignment (more writing = worse grades because of certain issues) but my kid LOVES school. Loves the teachers, including the ones that are the hardest.

Would not trade the current experience for what we came from - public school that passed our kid along and just another middling kid not worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive ADHD and mild ASD are fine, especially if the child is 2E with high IQ. But few privates have much capacity (or will) to accommodate anything else.

+1. A well behaved neurodiverse kid who will boost the school's academic profile will be warmly welcomed.

So basically a kid without a real diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

The diagnosis is usually for the are psychotrooic drug script aspect that are healthcare system is based on. In regard to behavior, what do we expect when there are no rules or consequences anymore especially for the upper class. It's lawlessness, the kids are not dumb. Then they will grow up to have the competence of our 47th

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive ADHD and mild ASD are fine, especially if the child is 2E with high IQ. But few privates have much capacity (or will) to accommodate anything else.

+1. A well behaved neurodiverse kid who will boost the school's academic profile will be warmly welcomed.

So basically a kid without a real diagnosis.

Are you saying ND people can’t be well-behaved? Or are you saying you don’t know anything about ND kids?

Sounds like both.