Husband wants kids to pay for college tuition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids take out $5000 a year in loan so that they could have “skin in the game”.

So they graduate graduated with $20,000 in student loans. I ended up paying off about 7000 of that because they had higher interest rates and then my kids are paying the ones that are 3%.

You have a husband problem. Also, you have your own money so you don’t need your husband’s permission to pay their tuition.

I guess I’m wondering why you need your husband’s permission to spend your own money?

1. You are a terrible parent. "Skin in the game" is a myth. I am surrounded by kids who take college seriously (even the party types), and none of them pay a cent for their undergrad. My friend who was low-income when her kids went to college still paid as much as she could. Her kids started in community college and graduated from UMD. One of them went on to Johns Hopkins.

2. You are also stupid financially. Forcing them to go into debt and then paying off part of it means you are paying interest on something that could have come with zero interest.

It's both dumb and cruel. Seriously. What were you thinking?

I would take out as much subsidized interest free loans if those were available?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a selfish, cheap, clueless hypocrite.

And he might be a liar too, if he’s hiding finances or has committed financial infidelity.

OP, what’s your HHI? How old are the kids? None of this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have this debate with my DH because he knows that college costs exponentially more than when we went to college. He's not into artificially creating scenarios to build character in our kids, the world will do that plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:03 again. I'm not even sure it's legally possible for an undergrad to get enough loans to cover the entirety of their costs.

They would have to get private loans in addition to federal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get “skin in the game” because I don’t see how $10k or $100k is more important than your own life being in it. I can see $100k making you choose a different path, like a different college, but not caring vs not caring.

Yes, I think this was invented by selfish idiots to try to justify their lack of planning and their lack of care for their children.

KIDS ALREADY HAVE SKIN IN THE GAME. It's their life, they're living it! They sleep in the dorm, eat the dining hall food, go to class, do the work, earn the grades, get the summer job.

If people want to talk about "skin in the game", they should use that term to refer to the parental role. The only way a parent can have "skin in the game" is by paying. They're not the ones attending class. They are investing in their children's education, and trying to reduce the risk that their adults kids fail to get jobs, and need unending support later. This is what a college diploma is trying to protect from.

Ultimately, you are paying for the chance at a middle class life, so that your adult children can support their future children and pay it forward down the generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband thinks our kids should pay for their own college tuition. His view is that it’s their education, and paying for it themselves will teach responsibility—that they’re adults and don’t need mom and dad footing the bill, and that it creates spoiled entitled brats.
That’s how I was raised too. My parents made me and my four younger siblings pay our own way. I chose a pretty expensive school, and we all managed, but it definitely wasn’t easy.

The difference is that my husband had his college fully paid for, as did his two siblings.
When we got married, I still had about $60,000 left in student loans from my private undergrad, and graduate degrees and thankfully my in-laws were kind enough to pay off the rest of my loans, which I was incredibly grateful for.

On one hand, I do think there’s value in having some skin in the game. On the other hand, I know firsthand how heavy that burden can feel, and I’m not sure I want that for our kids since we’re in the position to help.

I also think about my career and how my own student debt impacted me. During college and grad school, I worked multiple jobs to help pay off my loans and was really careful about my spending. I put almost every paycheck toward my debt and was responsible about not overspending. I’m proud of how I managed it, but I also know how hard it was, and how long it took me to feel financially stable.

My husband, on the other hand, is a corporate, and has never had to pay loans. He believes our kids can learn responsibility the same way I did—by working hard and managing their own finances. He thinks that by earning and managing their own money, our kids will learn responsibility too. But when I point out that his parents paid for his college and that he’s still a responsible person,he still says we shouldn’t do the same for our kids. He believes they should handle it themselves.

For those who’ve been through this debate with your husband—did you have your kids pay their own way, contribute partially, or cover it for them? Do you feel like it actually made a difference in terms of responsibility, or just added stress and debt?

Tell your kids you won't pay, then when they enroll in a (hopefully affordable) university, you can start paying. Or better yet, put the money in a trust for them as the market beats student loan rates.

There are plenty of opportunities for merit scholarships, like University of Alabama which gives a full ride for four years and free tuition for a fifth for national merit finalists.

Don't lead on the OP. Full rides are exceedingly rare. Even half full rides are exceedingly rare.

I got one in 2004. My dad promptly (as in, before I even moved into the dorm) cashed out my 529 and bought himself an Italian sports car.
My ILs were even worse. They paid for SILs college but not my husbands because in FILs words, “Your daughter is your princess.”

Oh, wow. You got one 22 years ago. So very helpful...not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids take out $5000 a year in loan so that they could have “skin in the game”.

So they graduate graduated with $20,000 in student loans. I ended up paying off about 7000 of that because they had higher interest rates and then my kids are paying the ones that are 3%.

You have a husband problem. Also, you have your own money so you don’t need your husband’s permission to pay their tuition.

I guess I’m wondering why you need your husband’s permission to spend your own money?

1. You are a terrible parent. "Skin in the game" is a myth. I am surrounded by kids who take college seriously (even the party types), and none of them pay a cent for their undergrad. My friend who was low-income when her kids went to college still paid as much as she could. Her kids started in community college and graduated from UMD. One of them went on to Johns Hopkins.

2. You are also stupid financially. Forcing them to go into debt and then paying off part of it means you are paying interest on something that could have come with zero interest.

It's both dumb and cruel. Seriously. What were you thinking?

I would take out as much subsidized interest free loans if those were available?

Quoting from one of the first posters, since you missed it:

"Borrowing limits for financially-eligible undergrads with lower interest rates start at 5K for the first year, and end at 7K for the 3rd and subsequent years. If the student is not financially eligible because his parents are rich but just refuse to pay... the interests on the loans will be higher, but the amount they can borrow will be higher too. Some of those loans may need to be cosigned by the parents."

So this doesn't help a family who is rich enough to pay but refuses, because subsidized, nearly interest-free loans are only available for financially-eligible kids!

Also, the subsidized loans are nowhere near enough to pay for even half of in-state costs. UMD is over 30K a year, and UVA is more than that.


My God. The lack of knowledge and financial planning surrounding college costs is STAGGERING.

This is one of the biggest expenses for families, after their home. How can people not prepare for this???

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an absolute hypocrite. Is this for real?

Plus college is more expensive now.

Helping your kids have less educational debt is going to set them up for better lifetime financial health. Instead of loan payments (and interest, which is just throwing money away), they can invest and contribute to retirement and grow their money.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really understand this mindset if you have the money to help, but my parents are East Asian immigrants so they paid 100k cash for my four years of college. When you head to college you are 18 years old! Why would you be expected to shoulder that kind of cost?

After college graduation, I got a job and saved hard to go to grad school part time while working full time. That is what taught me about hard work and responsibility. Well, actually, I learned those things from my parents, who worked and saved to pay full tuition to put their kids through college.

I don’t agree with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband watch YouTuber Bradley on a Budget.

[Anonymous]

It’s very common for the husband to be selfish with money and not want to provide for the kids. He wants to retire, have lavish vacations after the kids leave, buy a stupid car, whatever. It’s the wife’s job to slap some sense into him, figuratively speaker. You don’t screw over your kids. The same thing happens when the husband becomes a widower. Immediately finds a girlfriend to spend money on instead of his kids, often remarries and prioritizes the wife over kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very common for the husband to be selfish with money and not want to provide for the kids. He wants to retire, have lavish vacations after the kids leave, buy a stupid car, whatever. It’s the wife’s job to slap some sense into him, figuratively speaker. You don’t screw over your kids. The same thing happens when the husband becomes a widower. Immediately finds a girlfriend to spend money on instead of his kids, often remarries and prioritizes the wife over kids.

+1

Dad's money is for dad and mom's money is for household, food, kid stuff, school, daycare...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It screws kids to have a parent do this because the whole system assumes parental support.

Especially if the kid grown up financially solid and having parents pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your financial situation matters here. If your HHI is 200k or less, your child will receive financial aid and can probably manage the rest on loans.

If you have a higher HHI, your kid will be on the hook for the entire cost and that is not fair to the kid. That means you have the money or didn’t save properly, which it sounds like you didn’t save specifically for college.

As others have pointed out, this is not the 80s or 90s. Private college will be 400k after all the extras. I guess your kid can go in state. Most people may go in state to be debt free. It would be crummy to make them go in state and also make the kid still take on debt.

The HHI amount that qualifies a student for aid closer to 100k … and depends on many factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP: this isn't 1980 or 1990. This isn't even 2010.

Your kid cannot pay their own tuition. Full stop. If you and your husband won't help, your kid isn't going to college. Community college, maybe. But that's it.

This. College cost has risen disproportionately to minimum wage. It is no longer reasonable to expect them to be able to work and pay for college. Even securing loans is difficult- you will have to not claim them as dependents. No tax breaks for you. It’s one thing if you don’t have the money to pay for school. It’s another if you are with holding helping them due wanting to teach a moral lesson. They can work in college to cover their car insurance, gas, spending money, trips with friends. But to expect them to be able to afford all of tuition plus living expenses is not realistic