Husband wants kids to pay for college tuition
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Anonymous
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My husband thinks our kids should pay for their own college tuition. His view is that it’s their education, and paying for it themselves will teach responsibility—that they’re adults and don’t need mom and dad footing the bill, and that it creates spoiled entitled brats.
That’s how I was raised too. My parents made me and my four younger siblings pay our own way. I chose a pretty expensive school, and we all managed, but it definitely wasn’t easy. The difference is that my husband had his college fully paid for, as did his two siblings. When we got married, I still had about $60,000 left in student loans from my private undergrad, and graduate degrees and thankfully my in-laws were kind enough to pay off the rest of my loans, which I was incredibly grateful for. On one hand, I do think there’s value in having some skin in the game. On the other hand, I know firsthand how heavy that burden can feel, and I’m not sure I want that for our kids since we’re in the position to help. I also think about my career and how my own student debt impacted me. During college and grad school, I worked multiple jobs to help pay off my loans and was really careful about my spending. I put almost every paycheck toward my debt and was responsible about not overspending. I’m proud of how I managed it, but I also know how hard it was, and how long it took me to feel financially stable. My husband, on the other hand, is a corporate, and has never had to pay loans. He believes our kids can learn responsibility the same way I did—by working hard and managing their own finances. He thinks that by earning and managing their own money, our kids will learn responsibility too. But when I point out that his parents paid for his college and that he’s still a responsible person,he still says we shouldn’t do the same for our kids. He believes they should handle it themselves. For those who’ve been through this debate with your husband—did you have your kids pay their own way, contribute partially, or cover it for them? Do you feel like it actually made a difference in terms of responsibility, or just added stress and debt? |
Anonymous
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It’s hypocritical of your dh to deny kids what he himself was offered by his own parents.
He probably doesn’t fully grasp how really tough it is, the toll it takes and how much it changes the college experience. It’s one thing to let the kids cover part of cost, it’s very different being able to cover and denying it for purpose of “building responsibility”. |
Anonymous
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Honestly sounds a little rich on your husbands part.
College costs have risen like crazy. Do you want your kid to start their career $100-300K in debt? If not pray for instate. It all depends on whether you want them to live at home, delay grad school, home ownership, starting a family. Those are the trade offs. |
Anonymous
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Here's the thing, OP: this isn't 1980 or 1990. This isn't even 2010.
Your kid cannot pay their own tuition. Full stop. If you and your husband won't help, your kid isn't going to college. Community college, maybe. But that's it. |
Anonymous
| Silly. Have them work summers for spending money. |
Anonymous
| I’d calculate the number of hours/week you needed to work to pay off your loans. Then calculate the number of hours/week your kids would need to work to pay off today’s loans. Maybe you can compromise and they pay for their first semester. If they get at least a C on everything, you then pay off the semester. Don’t require straight As. That will create a temptation to cheat. As a part of the deal, you pay for a tutor in one subject. Remind DH that a marriage is about compromise. He just doesn’t get to lord it over your child without your permission. |
Anonymous
I didn’t explicitly state it, but today’s kids need to work many more hours to pay off college loans. |
Anonymous
Oh, please. |
Anonymous
| It screws kids to have a parent do this because the whole system assumes parental support. |
Anonymous
| Giving them a debt free education is an a great jumpstart. It means they can take an internship, a job with prospects but with less $. Means they can compete a little with the rich kids who don't care if their junior year internship pays a ton etc etc. |
Anonymous
This. My parents were like this. So selfish. They both had their educations paid for but then had middle class jobs and had us live in an upper middle class area and sent us to private schools with money from grandparents. then, decided at 18 we needed "skin in the game" and had to pay for our own college. We all three did it, but it was not easy. My mom is the only one left, but I tell her don't spend all of your money because I will not support you. |
Anonymous
| I set up a 529 plan for each kid at birth and directed payroll to contribute a set amount from each paycheck directly to the 529 plans. Continued funding until the balance reached the full cost of our alma mater. This was a hill I was willing to die on. DH doesn't have access to their 529 plans, and he's not the successor trustee if I die first. And I still resent him for his position. |
Anonymous
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It's a financially unsound decision.
Borrowing limits for financially-eligible undergrads with lower interest rates start at 5K for the first year, and end at 7K for the 3rd and subsequent years. If the student is not financially eligible because his parents are rich but just refuse to pay... the interests on the loans will be higher, but the amount they can borrow will be higher too. Some of those loans may need to be cosigned by the parents. Sticker price for my oldest's private university is 92K a year now, total cost of attendance. Many privates have reached that price now. He gets merit aid that brings it down to 65K, and we can afford it, but it's still an insane amount of money. In-state universities: UMD costs 30K+ and UVA 40K+ a year, total cost of attendance. Montgomery community college is maybe 10K max for a full load of courses, after which they still need 2 years of state college. If your household qualifies for financial aid, the price will be reduced, but they still won't be able to pay it themselves with a job, unless they're in community college. You must put your husband in front of the numbers. He's batshit crazy and doing his children a huge disservice if he wants them burdened with huge debt for decades of their lives. What was the point of having kids if he's going to abandon them at this critical moment? Parenting doesn't end when the kid becomes a legal adult. I utterly reject his premise, and yours, that making then pay the full or a partial amount teaches them responsibility. If your kids are not responsible now with what you give them today, forcing them to pay for college will not fix that. It will just ensure they get trapped in the lower middle class. I don't know if that was a failure of parenting or they were born like this... but your husband's solution is not going to help. If he goes through with this, I really hope your kids never come near him or lift a finger for him ever again. He can die alone. |
Anonymous
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21:03 again. I'm not even sure it's legally possible for an undergrad to get enough loans to cover the entirety of their costs.
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Anonymous
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We told our children they had one free ride to college and if their grades were barely passing out or if they flunked out the free ride was over. The free ride was also over if they did drugs and we discouraged joining a fraternity because of drinking.
All three graduated with no problems . |