Husband wants kids to pay for college tuition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband thinks our kids should pay for their own college tuition. His view is that it’s their education, and paying for it themselves will teach responsibility—that they’re adults and don’t need mom and dad footing the bill, and that it creates spoiled entitled brats.
That’s how I was raised too. My parents made me and my four younger siblings pay our own way. I chose a pretty expensive school, and we all managed, but it definitely wasn’t easy.

The difference is that my husband had his college fully paid for, as did his two siblings.
When we got married, I still had about $60,000 left in student loans from my private undergrad, and graduate degrees and thankfully my in-laws were kind enough to pay off the rest of my loans, which I was incredibly grateful for.

On one hand, I do think there’s value in having some skin in the game. On the other hand, I know firsthand how heavy that burden can feel, and I’m not sure I want that for our kids since we’re in the position to help.

I also think about my career and how my own student debt impacted me. During college and grad school, I worked multiple jobs to help pay off my loans and was really careful about my spending. I put almost every paycheck toward my debt and was responsible about not overspending. I’m proud of how I managed it, but I also know how hard it was, and how long it took me to feel financially stable.

My husband, on the other hand, is a corporate, and has never had to pay loans. He believes our kids can learn responsibility the same way I did—by working hard and managing their own finances. He thinks that by earning and managing their own money, our kids will learn responsibility too. But when I point out that his parents paid for his college and that he’s still a responsible person,he still says we shouldn’t do the same for our kids. He believes they should handle it themselves.

For those who’ve been through this debate with your husband—did you have your kids pay their own way, contribute partially, or cover it for them? Do you feel like it actually made a difference in terms of responsibility, or just added stress and debt?

Tell your kids you won't pay, then when they enroll in a (hopefully affordable) university, you can start paying. Or better yet, put the money in a trust for them as the market beats student loan rates.

There are plenty of opportunities for merit scholarships, like University of Alabama which gives a full ride for four years and free tuition for a fifth for national merit finalists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband thinks our kids should pay for their own college tuition. His view is that it’s their education, and paying for it themselves will teach responsibility—that they’re adults and don’t need mom and dad footing the bill, and that it creates spoiled entitled brats.
That’s how I was raised too. My parents made me and my four younger siblings pay our own way. I chose a pretty expensive school, and we all managed, but it definitely wasn’t easy.

The difference is that my husband had his college fully paid for, as did his two siblings.
When we got married, I still had about $60,000 left in student loans from my private undergrad, and graduate degrees and thankfully my in-laws were kind enough to pay off the rest of my loans, which I was incredibly grateful for.

On one hand, I do think there’s value in having some skin in the game. On the other hand, I know firsthand how heavy that burden can feel, and I’m not sure I want that for our kids since we’re in the position to help.

I also think about my career and how my own student debt impacted me. During college and grad school, I worked multiple jobs to help pay off my loans and was really careful about my spending. I put almost every paycheck toward my debt and was responsible about not overspending. I’m proud of how I managed it, but I also know how hard it was, and how long it took me to feel financially stable.

My husband, on the other hand, is a corporate, and has never had to pay loans. He believes our kids can learn responsibility the same way I did—by working hard and managing their own finances. He thinks that by earning and managing their own money, our kids will learn responsibility too. But when I point out that his parents paid for his college and that he’s still a responsible person,he still says we shouldn’t do the same for our kids. He believes they should handle it themselves.

For those who’ve been through this debate with your husband—did you have your kids pay their own way, contribute partially, or cover it for them? Do you feel like it actually made a difference in terms of responsibility, or just added stress and debt?

Tell your kids you won't pay, then when they enroll in a (hopefully affordable) university, you can start paying. Or better yet, put the money in a trust for them as the market beats student loan rates.

There are plenty of opportunities for merit scholarships, like University of Alabama which gives a full ride for four years and free tuition for a fifth for national merit finalists.

Don't lead on the OP. Full rides are exceedingly rare. Even half full rides are exceedingly rare.

[Anonymous]

Your husband who benefitted from parental support when college was much more affordable is unwilling to do the same for his kids. Under the guise of teaching strength. How long does he think it will take his kids to figure out that your husband's position is rooted in weakness and selfishness rather than parental strength in looking out for their kids' best interest? Your husband seems like a man who wants his cake and to eat it too Kids aren't dumb, and they know when they are being screwed.

[Anonymous]

I think something is going on with your DH. Why would a man deny his own children what his parents gave him, and ultimately paid off the loans for his wife? Either he has financial problems you are unaware of, or he is "hoarding" money and ready to cut off his kids, for an eventual escape.

This is not a good man. And I'm a poster who gets so tired of all the man bashing here.

[Anonymous]

I paid for my own college and grad school and didn’t think anything about it. I paid off my loans by living in a sketchy group house situation while throwing all my money at it. I didn’t blame my parents at all.

But now is not then and I make more money than my parents did. We will pay for our kids’ undergrad within a budget. Anything leftover will go to grad school.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is completely out of touch with reality, which is probably a direct result of his parents paying for everything.

I also can’t believe you let his parents pay off your loans. That’s a level of indebtedness I’d never be comfortable with towards in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Odds are, they simply won’t be able to go. Even UVA in-state is 40k a year (or more). They’re not going to be able take out more than $7,500 a year in loans without a co-signer. And a part time job at 15 hours a week during the year and 40 hours a week during the summer will net them like $12,000-$15,000 total per year. If you let them live at home for free and they commute to the local public university, they can probably make it work depending on the commute. Otherwise there won’t realistically be other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband thinks our kids should pay for their own college tuition. His view is that it’s their education, and paying for it themselves will teach responsibility—that they’re adults and don’t need mom and dad footing the bill, and that it creates spoiled entitled brats.
That’s how I was raised too. My parents made me and my four younger siblings pay our own way. I chose a pretty expensive school, and we all managed, but it definitely wasn’t easy.

The difference is that my husband had his college fully paid for, as did his two siblings.
When we got married, I still had about $60,000 left in student loans from my private undergrad, and graduate degrees and thankfully my in-laws were kind enough to pay off the rest of my loans, which I was incredibly grateful for.

On one hand, I do think there’s value in having some skin in the game. On the other hand, I know firsthand how heavy that burden can feel, and I’m not sure I want that for our kids since we’re in the position to help.

I also think about my career and how my own student debt impacted me. During college and grad school, I worked multiple jobs to help pay off my loans and was really careful about my spending. I put almost every paycheck toward my debt and was responsible about not overspending. I’m proud of how I managed it, but I also know how hard it was, and how long it took me to feel financially stable.

My husband, on the other hand, is a corporate, and has never had to pay loans. He believes our kids can learn responsibility the same way I did—by working hard and managing their own finances. He thinks that by earning and managing their own money, our kids will learn responsibility too. But when I point out that his parents paid for his college and that he’s still a responsible person,he still says we shouldn’t do the same for our kids. He believes they should handle it themselves.

For those who’ve been through this debate with your husband—did you have your kids pay their own way, contribute partially, or cover it for them? Do you feel like it actually made a difference in terms of responsibility, or just added stress and debt?

Tell your kids you won't pay, then when they enroll in a (hopefully affordable) university, you can start paying. Or better yet, put the money in a trust for them as the market beats student loan rates.

There are plenty of opportunities for merit scholarships, like University of Alabama which gives a full ride for four years and free tuition for a fifth for national merit finalists.

Don't lead on the OP. Full rides are exceedingly rare. Even half full rides are exceedingly rare.

I got one in 2004. My dad promptly (as in, before I even moved into the dorm) cashed out my 529 and bought himself an Italian sports car.
My ILs were even worse. They paid for SILs college but not my husbands because in FILs words, “Your daughter is your princess.”

[Anonymous]

Is your husband planning to leave when the kids turn 18, wash his hands off them and start a new family? His position doesn’t make any sense otherwise.

[Anonymous]

He is in lala land.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the money is there and he isn’t trying to convince you not to pay because finances are shady?

Assuming you can afford to pay the whole thing, he’s just morally opposed to it…he’s dumb.

Give your kids parameters (We can afford $xx per year, we will pay for undergrad not grad, we will cover semesters where you get at least a 3.0, whatever) and go with it. You want them to have skin in the game, make them pay for any classes they don’t pass.

[Anonymous]

He just flat out didn't plan. Didn't save. And now has come-up with some BS reason.

Op, did I miss the part where you know there's money there for college?

[Anonymous]

Unless the kids have done something awful, this is so unrealistic that it is cruel. I don’t think I could respect or stay married to someone who was cruel to his own children. They can certainly work to contribute. But the whole thing?

He can keep his money. Or 50% of it anyhow. I’d take the other 50% and the kids and start fresh.

Seriously. This man is an awful, hypocritical human.

[Anonymous]

Your financial situation matters here. If your HHI is 200k or less, your child will receive financial aid and can probably manage the rest on loans.

If you have a higher HHI, your kid will be on the hook for the entire cost and that is not fair to the kid. That means you have the money or didn’t save properly, which it sounds like you didn’t save specifically for college.

As others have pointed out, this is not the 80s or 90s. Private college will be 400k after all the extras. I guess your kid can go in state. Most people may go in state to be debt free. It would be crummy to make them go in state and also make the kid still take on debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think something is going on with your DH. Why would a man deny his own children what his parents gave him, and ultimately paid off the loans for his wife? Either he has financial problems you are unaware of, or he is "hoarding" money and ready to cut off his kids, for an eventual escape.

This is not a good man. And I'm a poster who gets so tired of all the man bashing here.

There is really nothing worse as a parent than deliberately wanting your kids to struggle. If its about feeling responsibility you have them take out loans and then you pay them off after each successful semester.

How old are your kids and how did this never come up?