Husband wants kids to pay for college tuition

[Anonymous]

My parents did this and the especially hard part was that my parents' finances counted against my financial aid awards. I received some scholarship money but nowhere near a full ride, and I had to pay for the remainder with loans and working not only a work-study job but two other jobs. It was exhausting and I started my career not only with debt but somewhat burnt out from going to school full time while working three different jobs.

I had friends who also had loans and work study with me, but the qualified for Pell Grants and other need-based aid that spared them having to borrow as much or work as much as I did. They also weren't getting parental contributions, but it was only because their parents could not afford to contribute.

My parents could have at least contributed as much as what I would have received in low-income grants so that I could have gone to school with less debt and just one job. I still would have "learned responsibility" but what they did actually put me in a worse position than even low-income students, at least financially (also my parents were jerks and were not supportive in other ways so they weren't a resource in a non-financial sense either).

Sorry college works this way but it does and has since before you had kids, so your DH can't complain. Pony up or deal with the fact that your kids will resent you forever for making this so much harder than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t what it used to be. All you need to do is take a look at the Moscow Idaho 4 case to see that. I’m not paying for my kids to get blackout drunk every day of the week and pass out on the floor of some unsecured party house. That’s what college kids do without their unsuspecting parents knowing. Argue if you want to. My view isn’t changing.

What’s your definition of “what it used to be”.

Animal House was released in the 1970s based on the stories of the writers’ times at Dartmouth.

Are you like talking about pre-1960?

The average college student took their studies more seriously back then. There was more moderation, more of a work rather than “play” mindset. It’s now almost exclusively about partying and the “experience”. A lot of parents are naive to this fact (or simply don’t want to acknowledge it). Not me. I’m not of the mindset that my kids are going to be any better at avoiding that. I know better.

A good friend of mine’s 19 YO daughter had to drop out because she got pregnant. That was a waste of money for them.

I strongly agree. The irresponsibility is off the charts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH says similar and I don't care. I just keep funding their 529s yearly. They also have a trust from my family that pays 15k a year currently (could rise in the future since my kids are elementary aged).

DH's argument is that he thinks too many kids get bullsh!t degrees or make C's in college. As an English major who makes more money than him, I call BS on that argument. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I had many friends who had quirky dual majors that got them a lot of money once they graduated. Best friend was a dual chemistry and fashion design. She works on textile dyes and loves her job.

I actually believe all parents should pay for college. At least pay for state college; I can understand parents not affording private colleges. Part of my argument is that it's parents' fault that the kids don't get more scholarships. If the parents were broke or the kids were homeless, they'd get $$$.

I have informed my kids I will pay for a degree if in a field with good paying jobs, such as law, medicine, or technology. The hobby degrees such as Music, Art, History, or Sociology, I refuse to pay unless the plan is to be a teacher or there is an overwhelming desire to be in this field even if the pay is not that good. None of my children show exceptional talent in art or music so those are off the table: they can scribble drawings or doodle tunes as a hobby that could become more but unlikely. Grandma Moses comes to mind.

I am not saying some degrees have no value, only that some degrees do not result in a job that pays well. Ideally, you will get a degree in a field you love and pays well. The reality us, people choose money over love of a job because with enough money you can buy happiness whereas not so much if poor.

Law and medicine happen in grad school.
Plenty of non-lucrative majors precede law school.
So are you saying you wont pay for college but will for grad school? Because one cannot major in law or medicine at the college level.
But I do think there are community College programs for medical billing admins and paralegal associates degrees from what I see on subway ads. Is that what you are willing to pay for at the undergrad level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the money is there and he isn’t trying to convince you not to pay because finances are shady?

Assuming you can afford to pay the whole thing, he’s just morally opposed to it…he’s dumb.

Give your kids parameters (We can afford $xx per year, we will pay for undergrad not grad, we will cover semesters where you get at least a 3.0, whatever) and go with it. You want them to have skin in the game, make them pay for any classes they don’t pass.

+1 Have a conversation with your kids about what you can afford. With our kids, we told them early that we could send them to public schools (we’re in Virginia) or provide an equivalent level of support if they decided to go private. Equivalent = COA at W&M because it’s the most expensive public in VA.

We make enough, saved enough, and can cash flow this much for each kid without impacting our own retirement.

OP, is there any money saved for kids’ college costs? If so, do you know where it is and exactly how much? Even if there’s no money saved, are you really saying your kids are going to be expected to cover 100% of the cost of attending college?

Also, this idea of deliberately setting up a situation where your kids struggle sounds like a good way to ensure that you are permanently estranged from your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t what it used to be. All you need to do is take a look at the Moscow Idaho 4 case to see that. I’m not paying for my kids to get blackout drunk every day of the week and pass out on the floor of some unsecured party house. That’s what college kids do without their unsuspecting parents knowing. Argue if you want to. My view isn’t changing.

What’s your definition of “what it used to be”.

Animal House was released in the 1970s based on the stories of the writers’ times at Dartmouth.

Are you like talking about pre-1960?

The average college student took their studies more seriously back then. There was more moderation, more of a work rather than “play” mindset. It’s now almost exclusively about partying and the “experience”. A lot of parents are naive to this fact (or simply don’t want to acknowledge it). Not me. I’m not of the mindset that my kids are going to be any better at avoiding that. I know better.

A good friend of mine’s 19 YO daughter had to drop out because she got pregnant. That was a waste of money for them.

Again…what years are you talking about?

I went to college in the late 1980s and there was tons of partying and kids dropping out.

I see little difference nowadays.

[Anonymous]

The moral obligation here is that if you and your DH can afford it, you should be willing to pay up to the full price of an in-state public. Some privates offer merit that could reduce costs significantly, others will require loans.

Personally DH and I have told our 2 kids we’ll pay for the best school they are admitted to that they want to attend, public or private, but we are a family that highly values education, and clearly you and your DH are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moral obligation here is that if you and your DH can afford it, you should be willing to pay up to the full price of an in-state public. Some privates offer merit that could reduce costs significantly, others will require loans.

Personally DH and I have told our 2 kids we’ll pay for the best school they are admitted to that they want to attend, public or private, but we are a family that highly values education, and clearly you and your DH are not.

Being realistic matters. I paid for Duke (BA) and Georgetown (JD) entirely on my own. I left home at 18 with no family and no family support. Just the way it was.

Here's the catch. I went to Duke on athletic scholarship. Yes, I had the academic qualifications, and yes, I was a good athlete who worked harder than my talent, but I was at a performance level better than the top 1/10th of one percent in the country. I thought the notion of an athletic scholarships absurd, but heck what was I to do? I made it work rather than it work me. I traipsed home and got a job trading futures at the CME and did it for three years, living on nothing and saving every penny (livestock and meat futures). Paid cash for law school and never any student loans.

Two daughters. National Merit Finalists. Much better students than I ever was. Really, I was going to tell them to go it alone? Do what I did? I don't think so. I came from nothing with a goal to create a different generational trajectory, working hard to avoid a sports career that many of my athletic peers chose. Of course I invested and saved for my kids and paid for them. You don't make for generational change (my parents were dysfunctional and not educated) without a sense of higher purpose. Pay for a beach house, or Princeton?. I don't judge those who opt for the beach house but having been in poverty and in the bottom ten percent it just changed the way I looked at life. They don't have an ounce of debt - as planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it has to be all or nothing. I personally had to pay for college myself, but my family was low income so I qualified for a lot of financial aid. My parents’ contribution was making sure I only applied to schools that would meet 100% of demonstrated need.

I worked throughout the school year and paid for the majority of my expected family contribution. I graduated with 15k in debt that mostly came from studying abroad (when I couldn’t work and pay my expected family contribution and when I took out loans beyond living basic expenses so I could travel and take advantage of the opportunity).

I learned a lot about managing money while in school in a supported environment where the stakes were relatively low. I made mistakes, but I was able to learn from them without risking my housing or going hungry. Friends who had everything paid for struggled more with money management after college and more than one of my college friends reached out to me for advice.

I think if you don’t want to pay for college, as the parent you should give your child clear guardrails so they don’t take on more debt than is reasonable. Help them to proactively seek out scholarships, strategically apply to schools that offer merit based aid to students with their profile, pick schools that are less expensive - including schools abroad, encourage community college first, let them live at home while going to college locally. These are all things that you have to talk about early because if you don’t, your child has likely been holding onto the idea of a traditional college experience in their head, and it may be harder to steer them away from that idea. Or they may have missed the boat entirely on some of these options.

Conversely, you can also save/pay for the majority of college and expect them to contribute a smaller portion of their costs. I generally believe all kids should work for their fun spending in college, though that’s largely informed by the number of kids I met at my Ivy league school who spent huge amounts of their parents money on drugs, alcohol, clothes and purses.

If you say nothing, let them apply to any and every school they want and let them take out loans for the full cost, that’s when I think you’ve failed your kids.

Ok but op isn’t low income so her kids are going to be taking on a lot more debt. And it won’t be “low stakes” for them the way it was for you.