Weird moment with DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP thinks of the house as her son’s house, and therefore by extension it’s just a family home and there’s no problem with going in early.

DIL thinks of the house as her and her nuclear family’s house, and thinks of her husband’s parents as guests/outsiders. (I’m with DIL on this.)

Maybe OP and FIL left their house so early to avoid Friday afternoon traffic. In that circumstance, they should have texted a heads up that they would be two hours early, or better yet should have stopped somewhere for a cup of coffee or a walk or something.

DIL played it exactly as I would have played it. She came home, hoping for a little breather and relaxation before the weekend festivities began. Instead, she found her in-laws sitting in the driveway like vultures, waiting to pounce and suck up some of her energy, even if that was not their intention. She drove away to find a little bit of freedom, which is what I would have done too.

OP, you definitely should not bring this up with your daughter-in-law unless you want to run the risk of hearing about how your early arrival was really annoying and unwelcome, and that conversation cannot in any way lead anywhere good. Pretend you did not see her, and she is going to pretend you did not see her. Move on and don’t be two hours early next time.

In laws like this are the worst. They completely lack self-awareness and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Wow you are all projecting your own MIL issues onto this.

OP this is one of those things you just shrug at and don’t worry too much about. I agree with the advice to text or call a heads up next time, but it is not like you committed a major faux paus.

If my MIL came early and I was rushing or running late, I would probably let them in and tell them to call their son because I had to get right back in the car. But, maybe she was taking a work call or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you ruined her afternoon. She had a busy day of work and volunteering, AND hosting. She probably left work early to finish up a chore or two and get something to eat in peace before the busy show weekend started. And then you’re there and she can’t even relax in her own home for one measly hour.

You’re beyond rude.

This x1000

I NEVER get the house to myself. I would have been supremely annoyed if houseguests showed up two hours early if I was counting on a couple hours of peace and quiet alone in my house.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you text? What if you entered and she was walking around naked?

Common courtesy would be to at least one hour before say, "hey we are making great time and may arrive 1.5 hours early. Is that ok or should we grab a coffee and stick to 4pm".

You had. code in case you got there a few min before your son.

You were in the wrong to not text and give them a heads up. I would have been still cleaning, maybe not showered and irritated had guests shown up 1.5 hours early with no notice.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. You messed up and should apologize to her (directly to her, not through your son). I’d be furious if my in laws showed up to my house early unannounced like that and my husband would hear about it for a looooong time. You should have found somewhere else to go for a couple of hours instead of intruding on her space. Yes, it may be your son’s home as well but that doesn’t mean you get access to it outside of agreed upon times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. You messed up and should apologize to her (directly to her, not through your son). I’d be furious if my in laws showed up to my house early unannounced like that and my husband would hear about it for a looooong time. You should have found somewhere else to go for a couple of hours instead of intruding on her space. Yes, it may be your son’s home as well but that doesn’t mean you get access to it outside of agreed upon times.

+1 and at the very least, you should have called to let them know you were arriving early to ask if you may enter their home hours earlier than expected.

I would have done exactly what she did—roll up, see that no, I wasn’t going to be able to finish preparing for guests, they are now 100% my husband’s problem, then left so I could get a coffee and have some peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

Arriving two hours early is not reasonable for a drive that takes 3 hours. If the drive was 10 hours, 2 hours early is within a reasonable margin of error.

Your DIL works and volunteers and was preparing for guests. She can still love you and you can be a close family AND be guests in their home. Guests are stressful, especially for mid-life adults with highly scheduled lives.

While it's fine for you to plan TONS of room and arrive in town hours early, you should have spent 90-120 minutes having lunch or coffee or something: not arriving early. It's not really fair to her to not be able to vacuum or cook or just relax. 30 minutes early in this scenario? Fair game. But 2 hours is out of the realm of fair. She arrived home, saw your car, quickly weighed whether or not it was worth it to start "entertaining" early or bail, and she bailed. It's not weird, it's entirely her right. And she can still like you!

[Anonymous]

I come from a family that is usually early for stuff. This doesn’t bother me a bit. I don’t care if my house is messy for family. I don’t care if I have to say “don’t have time to chat right now but feel free to hang out.” My husband finds this insanely rude for people to be early. But he also cares a lot more about what the house looks like and is aiming to get stuff done until the last second. He also is a chatter and can’t find a way to exit a conversation to save his life so he can’t just finish what he is doing. That said, he is kind to my early family (although if my family was going to be more than 30 minutes early, I would be pretty surprised if they didn’t text). He also knows to get his stuff done or hop in the shower 30 minutes before the alleged arrival time. So basically, he has adjusted.

My husband’s family is late for everything and don’t bother to let you know. For them “we will stop by to see the grandkids in the morning” could mean 4pm and they don’t call or even acknowledge when they arrive that they are late. I find this insanely rude. I have learned to adjust by just going about my day — even running errands, etc as long as I can be back within 30 minutes of their arrival. I ask my husband to call them when they should be 30 minutes or so from our house to get some sort of status. So, I have adjusted.

But OP just needs to move on and not worry about this. But also, text when you leave your house with an ETA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you ruined her afternoon. She had a busy day of work and volunteering, AND hosting. She probably left work early to finish up a chore or two and get something to eat in peace before the busy show weekend started. And then you’re there and she can’t even relax in her own home for one measly hour.

You’re beyond rude.

1000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's possible that it wasn't even her you saw in the cul-de-sac. And even if it was her, it's ok that she didn't want to greet you early. Maybe she was stressed and mentally prepared to entertain you later in the evening but not that afternoon. I know I personally hate when people show up early even if it's my own mother.

+1
I find it kind of controlling when a person shows up earlier than we had discussed. It is as if our prior discussion about an arrival time was useless and it didn't matter what the host may have preferred.

[Anonymous]

You messed up - 2 hours early is completely unreasonable - but it was rude of DIL to pull in and drive off, if that indeed is what happened. She should have hopped out, invited you in, and said "sorry, you are very early and I have things to do, so make yourselves at home" and then gone off to do those things.

I can top your story though. My own father once arrived 3 hours early with his new girlfriend whom we had not yet met, and which was a bit fraught because it was shortly after my mother died. They weren't staying with us - they were coming with 10 other family members for a religious occasion for which I was cooking a fancy sit-down dinner. So instead of coming at dinner time or maybe right before if they really needed to be early, they came 3 hours early while we were still cleaning the house and doing the major advance baking/cooking and dressed in our rattiest clothes. Oh, and he called to ask if it was ok - while sitting in our driveway. (I almost said no until I looked out the window.)

I was pretty pissed about that but whatever. We let them in, met the girlfriend who was very nice, talked for 20 mins, and then sent them on their way to come back at dinner time. That was particularly egregious but on occasion both my parents used to do stuff like that so it wasn't completely out of character.

[Anonymous]

I’m hung up on how one unexpectedly arrives 2 hours early on a 3 hour drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is OP really the DIL?

I wondered the same thing, since it's so clearly in favor of the DIL (and/or clueless)

+1
Plus OP hasn't been back to protest more. I think it's DIL and she's gleefully showing this to her DH as a rare DCUM consensus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. You messed up and should apologize to her (directly to her, not through your son). I’d be furious if my in laws showed up to my house early unannounced like that and my husband would hear about it for a looooong time. You should have found somewhere else to go for a couple of hours instead of intruding on her space. Yes, it may be your son’s home as well but that doesn’t mean you get access to it outside of agreed upon times.

+1 and at the very least, you should have called to let them know you were arriving early to ask if you may enter their home hours earlier than expected.

I would have done exactly what she did—roll up, see that no, I wasn’t going to be able to finish preparing for guests, they are now 100% my husband’s problem, then left so I could get a coffee and have some peace and quiet.

+1 except I disagree about the texting and asking if they can come early. Because then they feel like they have to say yes or it's another whole thing. If you're 2 hours early, find something to do so before your agreed-upon arrival time. Don't text and don't sit in their driveway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is OP really the DIL?

I wondered the same thing, since it's so clearly in favor of the DIL (and/or clueless)

+1
Plus OP hasn't been back to protest more. I think it's DIL and she's gleefully showing this to her DH as a rare DCUM consensus.

It’s not real. It’s that simple.