Supporting colleague who discovered husband’s affair with a 19 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did she find out?

He actually found her on TikTok and started messaging her there. My colleague eventually saw the messages when she picked up his phone one day — she didn’t even know he used TikTok. He’d rarely be home because of his job and spent a lot of time meeting up with her on weekends, including at her dorm.

Yeah, divorce is the only sane option here. Lock up trust funds for the kids before the sugar babies get everything.

Her dorm?! Imagine an old man hanging at the dorms. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A colleague recently confided that she discovered her husband has been having an affair for three months with a 19-year-old. She and her husband are both 48, have been married 24 years, and have two young adult kids, a son in college and an older daughter.

She didn’t suspect anything — everything seemed fine — so she’s completely blindsided and struggling to manage work, family, and daily responsibilities while processing this betrayal.

I want to be there for her in a thoughtful, respectful way — to offer support, listen if she needs to talk, and be a steady presence.

For those who have been through something similar, what other ways could I support her during this time?

She should hookup with a younger man. ONS…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

This is absurd adive.

Ignore this MAGA stupid.

Enough of the MAGA card.

[Anonymous]

She obviously has daddy issues. I hope he has been snipped. I know someone who hooked up with a much younger woman. He already had 4 kids. 2 in college and 2 out of college. Now he has a 5th. While his buddies are playing golf and traveling he is with the baby 50% of the time. And his adult children are NOT happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

There are ways to make a cheater suffer without divorcing them. But yes, this is grounds for divorce.

No one needs grounds for divorce. Anyone can get a divorce. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I would ask for lifetime alimony. Hopefully you were married 20+ years in Virginia. That is the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave him alone. He didn’t break any law. If you are not ok with a 48yo having sex with a 19yo, enact a laa against it.
He is free to enjoy some young women.

He's married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep your heads everybody. I do hate to see these older men taken advantage of, though.

Imagine the power that these young women have to be able to coerce and exploit these wealthy men. Gives me pause.

Oh nooooo won’t someone think of the poor older men????
F them and F you

Kind of a prudish Victorian premise that a young woman's sexuality must be so preciously guarded that no 40 year old man may touch it.

She's 19! Let her decide! Her body her choice, no shame.

No one’s shaming her, pedo. We’re shaming the dude.

Back under your rock.

[Anonymous]

Go with her to STD testing. I had to do this for a friend once.

[Anonymous]

Just continue being there for her like you are now……she will likely need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to angrily vent to in the upcoming days.

You seem like an outstanding friend - - a true gem. 💎

[Anonymous]

I'd offer to reach out to the parents of the 19 year old to make sure they know their child has taken up with a married father who is more than twice her age. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Is her husband employed at the university where this 19 year old is a FRESHMAN? If so, help her ruin his career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

Well, the French are also much more OK with child sexual abuse, so I'm not sure their way of looking at love is one to emulate. For me, aside from the cheating is the issue that it is with a 19 year old. That really speaks to a guy who enjoys a power differential in a relationship, objectifies women and who is barely keeping his sexual interest on the legal side (and might not have always been able to do the latter or continue to be able to do it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is her husband employed at the university where this 19 year old is a FRESHMAN? If so, help her ruin his career

No, he does not work there. She says she’s in love with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is her husband employed at the university where this 19 year old is a FRESHMAN? If so, help her ruin his career

No, he does not work there. She says she’s in love with him.

Honestly, a guy that would affirmatively reach out to a stranger on TikTok and believe that she loves him has sort of lost his marbles. I would be very worried that she is not actually 19.

That kind of impulsivity and lack of boundaries is a real danger to anyone who stays married to him.

If you want to support her, it's probably best not to tell her what to do, but to encourage her to think through all options, while at the same time making it clear that this is in no way her fault (as cheating is always the "fault" of the cheater - no one forces them to cheat). It would have helped me to have my friends more clearly label the abusive nature of my now ex's cheating -- the cheating isn't about a relationship issue in the marriage but it is about abuse of power, manipulation, etc. I think it also would have helped me to have someone encourage me to go to therapy and see an attorney. I did the latter but not the former.

FWIW, I didn't leave right away because I had very little kids. If my kids had been older, I would have left immediately.