Supporting colleague who discovered husband’s affair with a 19 year old

[Anonymous]

A colleague recently confided that she discovered her husband has been having an affair for three months with a 19-year-old. She and her husband are both 48, have been married 24 years, and have two young adult kids, a son in college and an older daughter.

She didn’t suspect anything — everything seemed fine — so she’s completely blindsided and struggling to manage work, family, and daily responsibilities while processing this betrayal.

I want to be there for her in a thoughtful, respectful way — to offer support, listen if she needs to talk, and be a steady presence.

For those who have been through something similar, what other ways could I support her during this time?

[Anonymous]

Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Offer to host a bonfire for any items she might want to burn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

You just cited two cultures that I know well and no, it's not OK there either. In Japan it might not lead to divorce, since many wives do not earn their own money, but you can bet there would be social repercussions for the husband, because Japanese culture is very shame-centered. He would be a social pariah in many circles. In France, women divorce over infidelity just like here in the US.

How ignorant you are.

[Anonymous]

Take her shopping for a new wardrobe so she can feel good about herself. Maybe to Brandy Melville?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

[Anonymous]

19 yr olds want money. Check your bank accounts. The kid is probably clapig her cheeks for the whole faculty

[Anonymous]

Oh btw is the 19 yr old a guy or girl?

[Anonymous]

I would remind your friend to make her husband suffer in the ninth circle of hell, but not the 19 year old. It's practically statutory rape. If this was in a professional setting, she might even have grounds to sue for coercion. If this is an au pair, the power imbalance is straight up employer-employee and it's gross on the part of the employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

I am French, and the family you married into is in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

I feel sorry for you.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

What kind of family were you raised in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would remind your friend to make her husband suffer in the ninth circle of hell, but not the 19 year old. It's practically statutory rape. If this was in a professional setting, she might even have grounds to sue for coercion. If this is an au pair, the power imbalance is straight up employer-employee and it's gross on the part of the employer.

Ridiculous. Remember what we've learned. If she's 17 years and 364 days old, he's a "p*dophile". Two days later it's two consenting adults. There is no nuance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help her realize this does not have to destroy her life. We've been culturally condition in the U.S. to think of this as some kind of ultimate betrayal.

But in many cultures--France, Japan, etc., this kind of things is not uncommon or even so taboo. Help her to not overreact. Keep it in perspective.

Are you the cheating husband?

No. I just understand the fact that some kind of crazy overreaction only dissipates wealth and stability for the children. I married into a French family, and they think American divorce culture is basically like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or, more like cutting off your kid's nose to spite your cheating husband. Who has the energy or the reservoir of spite like that?

Um, many of us. her kids are already grown. You think she needs to stay with scum sleeping with a girl barely out of her teens?